Friday, September 12, 2014

Broken News For Friday, September 12th, 2014

Hi there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, a blog that does not require you to be naked when you read it, no matter what you may have heard.

I'm Dave-El and today is Friday which means we all get eaten it's time for bROkEN nEWs, ALL NEW, PARTIALLY FUNNY! 

Today's bROkEN nEWs is brought to you by....

Barbie's Monsoon Dream Boat

Help Barbie and her friends ride out the worst of monsoon season in style with Barbie's Monsoon Dream Boat*! 

*Accessories including antibiotics against infectious diseases are sold separately.

bROkEN nEWs is up and at them in 5...





#BrokenNews "Obama Rallies World Powers To Crush ISIS" Granted, Obama's cheerleader outfit and pom poms were a bit much as he leads the leaders of the world in a cheer.

"C-R-U-S-H! C-R-U-S-H! 
Crush ISIS! Crush ISIS! 
Goooooooooo team!!!"

This ISIS group is bat-shit crazy and scary but what we must realize is that underneath the black masks and the threats are a bunch men with small minds and smaller dicks. C'mon, do they not realize that the name "Isis" denotes a female superhero in a skirt? Yes, a skirt! 

I liked Isis. She came on Saturday morning TV right after Captain Marvel SHAZAM! She had mystic powers and could fly by evoking this magical phrase:

"O zephyr winds that blow on high,
Lift me now that I may fly!" 


And away she would go! 

So I say we take back Isis as a force for good and bring this ISIS group down to its knees with this magical phrase:

"O zealot men who want us to die,
Kick 'em in the balls and make them cry!" 

#BrokenNews "No FOX News, The Feds Don't Think ISIS Is Plotting A Border Attack" Don't feel bad, FOX News. Here are other things ISIS might be up to:

  1. Auditioning for American Idol The Voice
  2. Taking pottery classes
  3. Binge watching Orange is the New Black
  4. Yoga
  5. Getting their oil changed.
  6. Oh, and tires rotated too.
  7. Attacking a box of burritos from Taco Bell.
  8. Then making a "run for the border" if you know what I mean.
  9. Getting Mani/Pedis.
  10. Getting their hands on an iPhone 6

#BrokenNews "Man Dressed As Pokemon Jumps White House Fence" Why was he dressed like Pokemon? Because he couldn't find a Ninja Turtle costume in his size. 

#BrokenNews "West Warily Eyes Russia As Ukraine Truce Takes Effect" And if Russia breaks the truce, well, oh boy, we'll have to do something about that. Like a sternly worded letter. Oh yeah! Let Russia just try something, we've got some particular stern words ready to use, you betcha. 

#BrokenNews "Ray Rice Breaks Silence" I don't think anyone's buying that it was Beyonce's sister in the video.

#BrokenNews "NFL Commissioner Denies Previously Seeing Rice Video" For good measure he also denies ever eating rice pilaf.  

#BrokenNews "Democrat: Latinos Are Frustrated With Obama, But 'Pissed' At GOP" In other words, Latinos are just like everybody else.  

#BrokenNews "The Palin Family Allegedly Got Into A Messy Brawl In Alaska" If that was true, Sarah Palin would've streamed it online for 99 cents a hit.

Andrew Cuomo challenges his hand
to a no holds barred grudge match face off!

#BrokenNews "Cheney Tells GOP It's Time To Fire Up The Ol' Iraq War Machine" It's literally a machine, fueled by the blood of virgins.  

#BrokenNews "Obama Tells Congress He's Going It Alone On ISIS" Then the President disappeared in a puff of smoke. Moments later, the silhouette of a Bat-plane was seen against the harvest moon, winging it's way to Iraq. 

The Ferguson MO chief of police is concerned
that "the thrill is gone" and is looking
for a new black guy to shoot.
"Or even a Mexican, I'm not picky." 

#BrokenNews "Scientists Identify Possible Cause Of Huge Ice Shelf Collapse" We told you kids over and over again to stop running around the house all crazy! Now look what you did: You caused an ice shelf to collapse! I hope you're happy!

A bit of embarrassment for Apple CEO Tim Cook
when the newly introduced Apple Watches
were a bit bigger than he was expecting.

Well, shades of Dick Tracy! All that stuff you didn't even knew existed 5 years ago but now can't live without in your phone can now be in your watch. Which is kind of neat in a retro science fictiony kind of way. You know, the technology of the future as shown in the past is now here in the present. 

But now that Apple can put iPhone tech into a watch, what else could Apple upgrade to be your telecommunications weblinked device of the future? I can't really guess but I will say that sooner or later, Apply will roll out an iDildo.  

#BrokenNews "Dallas Cowboys Owner Sued For Sexual Harassment" He made unwanted, ill considered advances that ultimately got him nowhere. You know, just like Tony Romo.  

"Tinder Exec Resigns Following Sexual Harassment Allegations
All right now, enough with the sexual harassment, guys! C'mon, how hard is it to treat women with respect?

"Lt. Governor Resigns Following Domestic Violence Allegations
OK, apparently it's rather difficult.

One of the recurring features on bROkEN nEWs is posting photos of Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) and making fun of whatever facial expression he's making. Typically a Ted Cruz photo shows the Senator with an expression of dumb fuck stupidity or whiny petulance. Well, check this out...


I was going to go with "stupid" but his expression looks like he's been told the cafeteria is out of his favorite pudding and he might cry about it. So I'm going to go with "stupidly petulant". 

"Seriously, we're out of pudding?"

Hey, we're not done with Sen. Putz yet. 

#BrokenNews "Ted Cruz Gets Booed Off Stage" His staff told him to not to open with his Nicki Minaj impression.

#BrokenNews "Huge Change Could Be Coming To Tibet" They're getting a Chipolte's. 

#BrokenNews "Church Music Director Fired For Being Gay" Meanwhile, a music director on Broadway is fired for not being gay enough!*

*OK, no, not really, but I wanted to give both sides of the issue equal time.

7 Surefire Ways To Improve Your Sex Life
  1. Involve another person.
  2. No, not a farm animal; a person.
  3. Of course a willing person.
  4. What? Yes, an alive person!
  5. What is wrong with you?
  6. You're totally fucked up! 
  7. I'm not talking to you anymore!
#BrokenNews "Father Of 34 Children Explains Why He Didn't Get A Vasectomy" Because he protests those kids aren't his, adding, "I've looked at my semen and I don't see no sperm in there." 

Color coordinated underwear is an effective
means of birth control. (Tea Party Sex Manual, 2014)

#BrokenNews "Pajama-Clad 9-Year-Old Steals City Bus" Dammit, he was late for work!

#BrokenNews "The Key To The Next Wonder Drug May Be Living In Your Vagina" There's a little itsy bitsy teeny tiny pharmacist in there.

#BrokenNews "Romney: I Would Have Done A Better Job Than Obama" He would've just written a check to cover the federal budget and for any big crisis stuff, Romney would called in Batman.  (Why Obama never thought to call Batman, who knows?) 

Ronald McDonald looking for souls to buy.

That seems really weird and very wrong. Well, I'm sure nothing will come of it.

Ke$ha accidentally sells her soul
to Ronald McDonald

Yeah, should've seen that coming.  

#BrokenNews "Bizarre Creatures Have Scientists Scratching Their Heads" I believe they are called "Survivor" contestants.  

#BrokenNews "The Top Travel Destination For Closeted Gay Men" The Republican National Convention

Rick Perry thinks he is:

  1. A movie producer
  2. A mob boss
  3. A private eye 
  4. Going to be late for his trial if he can't find his damn car!

#BrokenNews "Mars Rover Reaches A Milestone" Well, way to go, Rover, ol' buddy! So what's the occasion?

I'm still sensing some bitterness.

#BrokenNews "Beyonce Does Yoga In A Bikini" And all other news needs to stop right now because you can't top this! 


And that's that for this week's bROkEN nEWs. I hope you were entertained and maybe even enlightened. 

But if there was any part of today's bROkEN nEWs that offended you any way, please bring those concerns to our complaint department. Hey, who's on the complaint desk today?

Oh shit.

"Sit the down and shut up
or I'll shoot you in the face!
And don't think I won't!"

Ah, maybe just send us a note instead.  


Doctor Who Weekend rolls around again with another double punch post. 

Saturday: Three episodes into Series 8, we're getting into the Doctor's new groove but Clara has changed as well. I take a look at Clara's new role in the TARDIS in The Oswald Factor.

Sunday: It's Doctor Who Is NEW with a review of the latest new episode, Listen.

Until next time, remember to be good to one another. 


"Broken News is OVER! Wheeeeeeee!"

Is Dave-El Stressed?

A day after Dave-El's birthday, another year older and closer to death, am I feeling stressed? YES! Yes, I am a bit stressed!!!