Hi there! I'm Dave-El and this is I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that reminds you to support having the internet spayed and neutered.
Er, I think that's supposed to be "support Net Neutrality".
Yeah, whatever.
Anyway, today is Friday, when a weary world seeking the solace of internet based news satire turns its attention towards....
bROkEN nEWS
...and then the weary world realizes something very important:
But at least its free.
Today, bROkEN nEWS is brought to you by....
AMAZON PRIME
....IN SPACE!
Amazon Prime, with drones now delivering shit to comets! Oh hell yeah!
Fuck you, Wal-Mart! We're AMAZON PRIME
...IN SPACE!
bROkEN nEWS is up in 5...
4...
3...
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#BrokenNews “Obama, Vladimir Putin Speak Briefly On Beijing Summit Sidelines” Putin’s looking for the over/under on NCAA basketball games while Obama’s looking for some quality vodka to get through the next 2 years.
#BrokenNews “Romney Advisers Trying To Talk Him Into Running In 2016” And so began the most elaborate, most expensive episode of Punk’d ever!
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| Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) is really, really proud of the dump he took this morning. |
"Sharper Image Got Heidi Klum To Strip Down For Their New Campaign"
And here's a picture from that new campaign:
But if this is making you wonder, "What else is bothering Heidi Klum?", then this is your lucky day.
We'll hear more from Heidi as we progress through today's post.
#BrokenNews “Obama To FCC: Set 'Strongest Possible Rules' To Protect Net Neutrality” Translation: “Do something, just keep me out of it.”
#BrokenNews “FCC To Obama: We Must Take Our Time To Get It Right” Translation: “We can’t just fuck this up overnight, you know.”
#BrokenNews “Ted Cruz Calls Net Neutrality 'Obamacare For The Internet'” Translation: “I don’t know what ‘Net Neutrality’ is.”
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| Democratic Party continues to haunt the world of the living. |
#BrokenNews "Obama Vows To Use Executive Action On Immigration" Meanwhile, Joe Biden vows to use tough actin' Tinactin on his foot fungus.
#BrokenNews "Mitch McConnell Is 'Very Disturbed' By President Obama" I mean, have you ever noticed that Obama is...not white? Weird, man; very disturbing.
#BrokenNews "Free Trade Deal Would Mean Big Win For Corporate Power" And corporate power has so little going for it, it really could use the morale boost of a big win.
#BrokenNews "After Huge Election Win, Big Money Will Have Its Way In Congress" Big Money will spank Congress on the ass and taunt it: "You're a dirty little whore, ain't ya, Congress?" And Congress will LIKE IT!
#BrokenNews "Texas Set To Execute Inmate With Schizophrenia" Texas is hoping to execute him twice.
#BrokenNews "ISIS Expands To Libyan City" Putting local mom 'n' pop terrorist groups out of business.
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| Pope Francis: "Hey, what happened to my cowboy hat?" |
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| George W. Bush: "Lookin' good in this here cowboy Pope hat!" |
#BrokenNews "A Reminder The GOP Is Still Having Trouble Recruiting Latinos" The GOP's "We're not going to shoot you, we just want to talk a minute about why we're going to shoot you" campaign hasn't been very effective.
#BrokenNews "Supreme Court Gives Go Ahead To Gay Marriages In Kansas" Which also clears the way for new locations of Pottery Barn in Kansas.
#BrokenNews "Chris Christie Has A Pig Problem" You know what? Just make up your own joke here.
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| Jay Leno tells Jimmy Fallon, "Eh, nice place you got here. Be a shame if something, I don't know, 'happened' to it." |
#BrokenNews "RadioShack Reverses Plan To Stay Open All Day On Thanksgiving" There are plenty of other days besides Thanksgiving for Radio Shack to remain irrelevant.
#BrokenNews "Google Creates A Smart Way To Make Sure You Don't Forget Plans" What about a smart way to make sure I don't forget my pants, huh, Google? What about that?
#BrokenNews "The Cast Of 'Fresh Prince' Reunited Like A True Family" They're not speaking to each other?
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| "I'm not trying to stir up anything but fuck this, I'm sick of shrimp!" |
#BrokenNews "Andy Dick Arrested" Eh, that sounds about right. I just assumed that Andy Dick's normal status quo was "arrested" or "in rehab" after being "arrested".
#BrokenNews "Newt Gingrich and Jay Z Came Together on Sentencing Reform. Maybe There's a Lesson for Congress?" Or may be a new hip hop project from Jay Z and his new pal, G-Newt!
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And that's brings to a close this week's edition of bROkEN nEWS. Before we go, let's have one more installment of "What Makes Heidi Klum....?"
OK, that's not to big a stretch. Who doesn't crave a Klondike Bar, right?
Let me remind you that your opinions and concerns matter to me. So feel free to bring any complaints to the attention of the bROkEN nEWS Complaint Dept. Our friendly and reliable staff is always ready and willing to..
...never mind.
So you're wondering if you can go away now...
Be good to one another, y'all!
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Coming up next time on the blog: Doctor Who Weekend! (YAY!)
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