Broken News For Friday, November 21st, 2014

Hi there! Dave-El here and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You and I refuse to acknowledge your accusations with a coherent response. 

A week or so ago, a whatchamacallit that was sent into space landed on top of a space comet thingy. In a surprising discovery, it appears that something from within the comet is making noises.  

Scientists have studied these noises extensively and determined something in the comet is speaking to us and have successfully translated this strange and alien language. 

So here comes the first translated words from the alien life inside the comet:

OK, I did NOT see that coming. 

Well, so much for intelligent life in outer space. 

bROkEN nEWs is taking off like a rocket in 5...

4...

3...

2...

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"Putin Receives Not-So-Warm Welcome At G20 Summit" Really, the ice cubes down Putin's pants did seem a bit much.

"GOP Preps For Immigration Showdown" There was a misunderstanding on what 'immigration showdown" meant as several hundred armed Republicans gathered at the Mexican border.

"Rand Paul On Obama's Immigration Action: 'Take Him To Court'" So Obama's down at the squash court wondering where the hell Rand Paul is.  

Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) uses his Jedi mind
powers on a hapless underling. 

"Republicans In Net Neutrality Bind" How can they link this to Obamacare and/or Benghazi?

"Al Franken Explains Net Neutrality To Ted Cruz" Using primarily one syllable words and crayon drawings.

Uh oh! It looks like someone left Sen. Ted Cruz's
head in the dryer a bit too long.  

The koala is worried this photo could be used against
him in the next election.

"Will Obama Do The Right Thing On Torture?" It depends on what kind of torture techniques Obama knows. Michelle says he can snore pretty loudly sometimes. Does that count as torture? Also Obama simply exists which is of course torture to the GOP so...

Now bROkEN nEWs presents...

The "WELL, DUH!!" Report! 

"Major Banks Manipulated Prices At Consumers' Expense" 

Well,,,,DUUUUUUUHHHH!!!!!!!

And this has been The "WELL, DUH!!" Report! 

"Russia Launching Its Own Version Of 'Wikipedia'" It'll have the same level of accuracy as regular Wikipedia but with more pictures of shirtless Vladimir Putin.

"Atom Smasher Scientists Announce Major Discovery" Atoms don't like being smashed. 

"Dog Hitches On To Ambulance Taking His Owner To Hospital" Boy, that dog is going to be so pissed off when he gets the ambulance bill.  

"Reese Witherspoon Rails Against Renee Zellweger's Latest Critics" Wait! Wait a minute! They're NOT the same person? 

The good news is, she doesn't have to 
actually watch 50 Shades of Grey.

Or see this. 

Kim Kardashian hopes this will convince President Obama
to name her as Ambassador to the United Nations
or maybe get on the Supreme Court, you know,
some classy shit like that.

Is that a hedgehog on her head?

"Naked Kim Generated Web Traffic Out The Wazoo" Oddly enough, the one body part I can't see clearly is Kim's wazoo.

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And on that note, let's bring this week's bROkEN nEWs back to Earth. 

bROkEN nEWs has been brought to you by...

WhoreInABar.com 

If you're thinking of drugging a woman and having sex with her against her will, you need to think again. 

First of all, that's rape and rape is wrong. 

Secondly, it might destroy decades of respect, affection and goodwill people have towards you. 

And thirdly, there is an alternative. 

WhoreInABar.com  puts you in touch with a variety of women who are prepared to have sex with you right now and under any condition and usually for the low, low cost of a bottle of Jack Daniels and a package of Marlboro Lights. So as long as you're not picky about things like hygiene and sexually transmitted diseases, you don't have to break the law or standards of common decency to get laid real quick. WhoreInABar.com is here to help. 

WhoreInABar.com. Remember their motto: You wanna fuck, sure, whatever. 

And if you want to complain about about that or anything else posted here at bROkEN nEWs, here's our complaint department. 

So you're wondering if you can go away now? 

Just a second. Here's what's coming up on the blog this weekend. 

Saturday: Archie Andrews. Obamacare. Ted Cruz. Yeah, it's kind of weird.
Sunday: Doctor Who Weekend presents Episode One of...The Son of the Master. 

Until then, be good to one another. 

And....