Thursday, April 16, 2015

Burn Notice

It began innocently enough with this exchange from Twitter. 

  • A tweet from Huffington Post says President Obama is going to visit South Dakota.
  • I make a joke about it.
  • Someone has a response to that. 
And here we go! 

First of all, WOW! I got burned on Twitter! This is so great! So great! Thanks to Alex Suther @Alex_Suther for taking the time to deliver that zinger! Your attention to this matter is very much appreciated! 

I'm not being sarcastic. Really, this is so cool! I mean, someone actually reads this shit? Really? 

So validation... YAY! 

Yes, it's negative validation, but come on! Someone noticed me on Twitter! This is really awesome!  

But Alex (May I call you Alex? I mean, I feel really close to you right now), I do need to take a very small exception to your burn. I don't have only 25 followers. 

I have 26 followers! Oh hell yeah! Uh huh! Uh huh! Who da man? 

Now for some reason I don't truly understand, Arianna Grande is one of my followers. So yeah, once she realizes her mistake, I'm sure that'll go down.  

Now something you probably did not know but I actually have more followers than that on my other Twitter account. 

You've probably figured out I'm not really that clever. I mean, come on: Obama's going to South Dakota because he lost a bet? That joke is on the level of a 3rd grader. Or Sean Hannity. (I know, I know: Sean Hannity has WAY more followers than I do. Hey, I'm not going to fall for the same burn twice, Alex.) 

So I forgot my Twitter password. You know that thing you click on that says "Forgot your password"? Well, I did that but I've never heard back from Twitter. And I've tried several times! Don't you find that irritating, Alex? I think we understand each other, you and I, no? 

In order to stay on Twitter and offer my witty ripostes to Huffington Post tweets, I had to establish a new Twitter account. I follow myself on the older account where I am quite disheartened to see that no one misses me over there. ("Gee, why doesn't Dave-El post here anymore?" I'm sorry, Alex, that sounds a bit whiny, doesn't it? Let's just move on, forget I said anything.)  

While I appreciate you taking the time to deliver a Twitter burn to my admittedly so-so joke at the expense of South Dakota (which, in addition to Mount Rushmore, has other stuff, probably) but I do have to wonder if targeting the quantity of my followers is a particularly viable angle. I mean, I'm fine with it! Hell, I'm clearly starved for attention here! But I wonder if a retort directed to the topic of the joke would have been more effective. 

Let's try this for example. Huffington Post says President Obama is going to South Dakota and I reply, "President Obama is going to South Dakota for the same reason anyone goes to South Dakota: he lost a bet." And then you go: 

"Oh, the same reason a woman first had sex with you." 

Ouch! Now is that a bit harsh? Well, maybe but it plays to the "lost bet" angle of my original tweet and bounces it back at me. Pretty clever, I think. Of course you have no way of knowing that is exactly the reason a woman first had sex with me but I've made peace with that so don't worry about my feelings on the matter. 

I do recognize that we're just getting to know each other, Alex, so maybe you wouldn't feel comfortable going with a sex joke this early in our relationship. I'm cool with that. So let's try another one.



OK, I got nothing. Well, what did you expect? I think we've both established I'm not that clever.  

Before I wrap this up, Alex, thank you again for taking the time for responding to my tweet. It means a lot to me, really it does. So keep up the good work, Alex, and kudos to the great state of South Dakota and all who live therein doing great South Dakota-type things. 

Because we all know the true dicks live in North Dakota, am I right? Am I right? 

Everyone, be good to one another. And Alex, you take care of yourself now, you hear? 

I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You 

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