Blue Monday

After a week of posting about comic book stuff, I need to post a bit about the real world. 

I'm losing my mom. 

Some background: my dad was injured in a fall about 20 years ago that left him bedridden for the rest of his life. That came about 8 years ago when pneumonia took him. All during that time, my mom took care of him. She did many remarkable things that she would've thought were beyond her.

But then my dad died. His suffering was at an end and my mom was no longer under burden of his care.  

And then things started to go down hill. 

She had a heart attack. 12 years under the constant stress of taking care of her husband, my dad, and it's after that stress was gone that she has a heart attack. 

Of course, from the outside, we look at her efforts as a source of stress. From the inside, she saw her work to care for my dad as a source of purpose. And that purpose was gone. 

Then she became crankier, more impatient, prone to memory lapses. She was diagnosed with early onset dementia. With medication, things stabilized for a bit. But over the last six months or so, she has begun to go into decline. 

I talked to her Tuesday. And then I called her again Wednesday. She did not remember me calling the day before. At all. 

So things will have to change and not for the better. She was living on her own for a long time in her own home. Now that's no longer an option. 

And I don't really know what to do. 

Most of what gets done for my mom has been handled by 2 of my nieces. Well, on the family tree they're nieces. In my heart, they are sisters. And what they've done for my mom over the years before and after my dad died has been beyond amazing. But even they, good and kind souls as they are, have reached their limits of what can be done for my mom. 

I should probably mention that in addition to my worry over my mom's condition, we can also add an overwhelming sense of guilt over me not being there. The why and the wherefore that has put me 3 hours away from my parents' home are stories, confessions really, for another day. But the point is, I do feel guilt every day. 

But I too have my burdens I wrestle with. While my mom descends further into Alzheimer's cruel depths, I am dealing not at all too well with my own depression. Responsibilities to my home here with my wife and daughter that I have not lived up to as well as I should. Responsibilities to my childhood home and to my mother and father that I have not lived up to at all. 

I'm aware of this pressure around my heart. Sometimes I gasp when I realize that I have unconsciously been holding my breath. The constant echoes of voices in my head, some from memory, some from my tormented imagination, are a constant presence. 

About this time of the year in 2012, I had a similar crisis of the....for lack of a better word...soul. I did not comport myself well at all and it cost me the friendship of someone I cared about dearly. Now I'm feeling that dark pull on me once more and there's much more at stake. Which, of course, doesn't help matters much with my state of mind, does it? 

If you're thinking, "Gee, you need to get some help", I have. But even with help, it's still hard to rise up from the darkness that's working overtime to pull me back in. And it seems like its pulling extra hard these days. 

Sorry to be a downer today. But sometimes I just need to get these thoughts from inside my head and put them out there. 

Whoever you might be reading this, pray for my mother, that she gets the care she fervently needs. Pray for wife and daughter that maybe they can get the husband and father they deserve. And pray for me, yes, me, that I can lift myself out of this dark pit and be a better person. 

Thank you and everyone, be good to one another.