Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Elevated Discussion - Part One


Hi there! Dave-El here and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, your blog in an elevator, living it up when you're going down. 

In my day job where I do ...whatever it is I do, I work in a 20 story office building; specifically, I'm on the 14th floor. As you might expect, I wind up spending some time on the elevators. And over time, I have developed a number of pet peeves in the area of elevator etiquette. So today I present one of a three part series of blog posts on elevator activity that annoys me. 

First, I want to take a moment to say goodbye to most of the people reading this right now. No hard feelings, I would probably make the same decision if I were you. We're cool and I hope to see you back here on Friday. 

To anyone still reading,you clearly have nothing at all better to do with your time. To which I say: Welcome, kindred spirit.

Pet Peeve #1: No One Else Can Push The Buttons

A person enters the elevator. He pushes a button for a floor and stands right in front of the button panel. OK, so maybe he's the only person on the elevator. Who cares?

But then a second person gets on the elevator. This person wants to go to a different floor. One panel of buttons is being obstructed. However the elevator is like the ones from where I work with buttons on both sides of the door. So she has an option to press a button on the other panel. But then she too stands right in front of the button panel. We have two people each guarding a set of elevator buttons with their bodies.

Enter our third elevator rider. See the diagram below: 




The green shape represents our hapless third elevator passenger who is faced with a problem assuming he wants to yet a different floor from the other two people. And he does. 

Note this not a crowded elevator situation where maybe a couple of people have no choice to stand up tight against the elevator buttons. No, we're talking having sufficient room to stand elsewhere yet the choice is made to stand right there up close and personal to the buttons.  

Mr. Green has three options. 

1) Ask one of the button guards to press the button for him. Now most people are cool. "Sure, no problem, bro" and the appropriate button gets pushed. Thank you for your kindness, fellow elevator inhabitant. But sometimes people look put off by this. "Press your own damn button" certain expressions convey even as they stand uncomfortably close to the button panel. So let's look at this option. 

2) Mr. Green pushes the button his own damn self. This will involve some serious invasion of personal space. You may have no choice but to make actual physical contact with one of the other persons. And if you're a dude, you need to go to an upper floor and there are two women blocking each of the panels, steel yourself for a visit to HR because you are going to touch boobie. Yep, the floor you need to go to lines up perfectly with a woman's breasts which are almost pushed up against the panel. It's a trap, bro, and there is nowhere you need to go worth getting in that kind of trouble. Which brings us to your third option, Mr. Green. 

3) Just go wherever the damn elevator is going. Eventually one of these button hogs will get off and you can press whatever button you want. For the benefit of the other person still blocking the other panel, say something like, "Oh, I forgot to push my button" or "this isn't going to the 17th? Silly me".  

But here's the thing: unless the elevator is jam packed, there is no reason for anyone to be pushed up against the elevator buttons. Back off! 

Please? 

Tomorrow: Elevator Etiquette, lesson #2.

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