Saturday, June 6, 2015

I'm NOT Running For President

Here's what we know so far about who is not running for President of the USA in 2016.

  • Barack Obama because he can't.
  • Mitt Romney because he shouldn't. 

Other than those two, everyone else is still fair game to seek the office of President when voters go to the polls in November 2016, a long and tiresome 18 months away.  

On the right, a horde of Republicans are falling over each other getting in their announcements or their announcements of when they will make their announcements. So far, the following people have either formally announced they are running for the GOP nomination or have set dates for when an announcement should be expected. 

  1. Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush ("It's my turn!") 
  2. Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker ("Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya...punk?")  
  3. Sen. Marco Rubio ("El Presidente Muy Loco!") 
  4. Sen. Rand Paul ("Everybody, look it me!")  
  5. Sen. Ted Cruz ("I want my mommy!")  
  6. Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee ("I have the jawbone of an ass and I'm not afraid to use it!")  
  7. Former Sen. Rick Santorum ("Stop giggling whenever I say my name!")  
  8. Sen. Lindsey Graham ("I am trans-human!") 
  9. Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry ("I don't know the meaning of the word 'indictment'.")  
  10. Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal ("I'm the smart one!")  
  11. New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie ("I was told there would be doughnuts!")  
  12. Ohio Gov. John Kasich ("Hey, guys! Over here! Guys? Hey! Over here! Guys? Hey guys! Over here!") 
  13. Donald Trump ("Don't forget to watch my hit show, The Apprentice, on NBC!")  
  14. Carly Fiorina ("Yes, I'm a woman. No, I'm not here to bring you sandwiches!")  
  15. Ben Carson ("I say 30 crazy batshit things every morning before breakfast!")  
  16. Former Virginia Gov. Jim Gilmore ("Seriously, I was Governor of Virginia! Go look it up! Honest!")  
  17. Former New York Gov. George Pataki ("PATAKI!" *Does jazz hands*)  
  18. Former Maryland Gov. Bob Ehrlich ("I have my own folding lawn chair!")  
I really don't know much about Jim Gilmore and Bob Ehrlich and I suspect that may be true in Virginia and Maryland as well.

Over the river and through the woods are the Democrats where there are some spoilers for Hillary Clinton's march to her, nomination in 2016. 

1.  Sen. Bernie Sanders
2.  I really don't know who this is Lincoln Chafee 
3.  Former Maryland Gov.Martin O'Malley 

What they lack in numbers, some of these Dems make up for it with ready to wear unelectability. Bernie is a self-professed socialist so you know that ain't gonna play in Dixie or much of anywhere except maybe in his home state of Vermont. Meanwhile, Lincoln's big theme for his Presidential ambitions is to finally get America on the Metric system. 

Hey, Lincoln, heads up! Back in the 1970's, Americans rose up in a wave of apathy and disinterest (so they didn't rise very far) to put an end to this Metric nonsense. So do not make the sacrifices of our polyester wearing martyrs be in vain.  

As for Martin O'Malley, I think a parody of the The Who's "Baba O'Reilly" (what you know as "Teenage Wasteland") would be most appropriate. 



What? You want ME to write that? Sorry, he's just not interesting enough for me to give a f**k about. I expect he'll be out of the race before I can the first verse figured out.

OK, I'll give it a try.

"Out here in Maryland, I'm gonna get in, 
I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna run for President!"


Besides, I'm sure Jimmy Fallon and his people are already on that. 

So that wraps up this post about the US Presidential race. So to recap, everybody's running for President except for Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. 

Oh, and me. Because being President would be a step down for me. 

Thank you for reading. I'm Dave-El, Emperor of the Earth

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