Friday, February 12, 2016

Politicking For the Prez

Hi there and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the internet's digital tissue for Chris Christie's virtual tears. I'm Dave-El, the Carly Fiorina of male bloggers.  

Recently I've kind of been focusing my attention on Presidential candidate and walking spermatozoa Sen. Ted Cruz in a series of blog posts called Ted Cruz Is a Lying Fuck Bastard.

For more on that, click here. And here. And here. And here.  

But you might be asking yourself, "Dave-El, exactly how are you the Carly Fiorina of male bloggers?" First of all, that's none of your business and you should just stay out of my shoe closet. 

Also, I was expecting a different question like, "Dave-El, I don't think you and Carly Fiorina have the same shoe size." 

OK, you're just fucking with me now for some reason. Cut that out! 

The point I'm trying to guide this post towards is that other people are running for President. Do I have any thoughts about anyone else other than lying fuck bastard Ted Cruz? 

Well, after a bit of a stumble out of the gate in Iowa, noted Oompa Loompa businessman and hairpiece aficionado 
Donald Trump won the GOP primary in New Hampshire and by quite a lot too. New Hampshire, where "Live Free or Die" is less of a state motto and more of a drunken dare in a bar, gave a giant middle finger to the rest of the United States by giving Trump a decisive victory. Of course, they didn't really have a lot of other choices, did they? 

Someone noticed John Kasich's name on the ballot and tried to think really, really, really hard, "Who the hell is that guy?" Coming to the conclusion that a lack of info may stem from the guy not doing anything particularly stupid, Kasich came in 2nd in the GOP primary in New Hampshire.  

Lying fuck bastard Ted Cruz, the first semi-sentient human-like creature made from mayonnaise, came in 3rd. Unlike Iowa where Teddy came in 1st, there are not enough rubes in New Hampshire to convince that running for President is the same thing as running for Jesus. 

Oh my stars and garters! In 4th place was JEB!...or Jeb?  
Former Florida governor Jeb Bush tried to counter his lack of a personality with money, outspending everybody else in the GOP field. All told, he spent about $1,702,438.52 per vote. 

After winning the Iowa caucus by coming in third, Marco Rubio plunged into New Hampshire all fired up to be the anointed one of the GOP, to be the not-Trump and the sure as hell not-Cruz. However, Marco blew a circuit at the New Hampshire debate, revealing himself to be a robot. Marco denied this, saying he was a most definitely a human being person and not a robot not a robot not a robot not a robot not a robot not a *CLANG!* So Marco came in 5th. 

The fellow Republican candidate that exposed Rubio as a robot, New Jersey Governor and doughnut connoisseur Chris Christie, gained no advantage in New Hampshire and dropped out of the race Wednesday before being exposed as an automaton filled with a thick, black, viscous liquid.  

Carly Fiorina also took herself out of the race where she will go back to her old job as an animatronic at Disney's Haunted Mansion. I suspect Dr. Ben Carson will also end his campaign as soon as someone wakes him up and reminds him he's in a campaign.  

Over on the Democratic side, Sen. Bernie Sanders, you know that crazy uncle you're warned to stay clear of at reunions and funerals, won in New Hampshire over Hillary Clinton. And by won, I mean, he beat the crap out of her by a margin of 22 percentage points. 

Hillary has spent the intervening days breaking apart furniture with her bare hands. Furnishing Clinton campaign offices with stuff from Ikea seems in retrospect not a really good idea. Still, don't write off Hillary yet. We've got primaries in the Southern states coming up and Bernie Sanders is both a self declared socialist AND a Jew. So Hillary figures she has more of a shot down in the south despite being a woman. In other words, Hillary Clinton is hanging her strategy on ignorant yahoos. 

Not unlike Donald Trump.  

Where does the 2016 Presidential election process stand at this time? Well, prior to Iowa and New Hampshire, Donald Trump was a threat, Ted Cruz was a danger and no establishment candidate had consolidated power enough to be an alternative to Trump or Cruz. Also, prior to Iowa and New Hampshire, Hillary Clinton struggled to present herself and her message in the face of a Bernie Sanders campaign that has energized the Democratic base. 

Since Iowa and New Hampshire...

We're all in the same pickle. 

Well, that sucks! 

Everyone, be good to one another. I'll be back with another post on some damn thing or another tomorrow. 

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