Broken News for Friday, October 10th, 2014

Hi there and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the internet's leading provider of polyunsaturated fat.

I'm Dave-El and since today is Friday, that must mean it's time for another edition of...

bROkEN nEWs!

Oh yeah? Well I don't tell YOU to stop that thing you're doing. And it's pretty disgusting so...

Anyway, bROkEN nEWs is brought to you today by...

THE AMAZON STORE! 

That's right, online giant Amazon is opening a retail store in New York City. And an Amazon Store may be coming soon to your area! But why?

Because quite frankly they're tired of sending you shit!

So get off your lazy asses and get it yourself at...

THE AMAZON STORE! 

bROkEN nEWs is open for business in 5...

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#BrokenNews  "Judge Clears Way For Gay Marriage In Kansas" Now all we got to do is find some gay people willing to live in Kansas.

#BrokenNews  "U.S. Supreme Court Blocks Wisconsin Voter ID Law" Requiring voter IDs to be carved into hunks of aged cheddar cheese was deemed "unconstitutional". 

#BrokenNews  “Turkish President Warns: ISIS About To Take Key Town” Oh hell! Orlando FL is in danger?!

#BrokenNews  “NYPD Officer Hits Teen In The Face With A Gun” On the other hand, this cop does not actually SHOOT the teen so…good going, officer!

#BrokenNews  "Police Mistake Teen For Burglar In His Own Home" It was an easy mistake to make. First of all, the kid was black. Second, he...er...uh, we'll get back to you. 

Karl Rove demonstrates his near-legendary yodelling skills.

#BrokenNews  "GOP Rep. Says Climate Is Changing Because It's 'Raining' Outside" Which gets her in a lot of hot water with the GOP's position that the climate is not changing. 

Speaking of the GOP, whazzup with Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)? 

#BrokenNews  "McConnell, Grimes Attack Each Other On Coal" Instead of the far more interesting "attack each other WITH coal". Now THAT would be a Senate race worth following!

#BrokenNews  "McConnell Gets 'Needlessly Angry' During Surprise Radio Appearance" But dammit, he was promised he could give away 2 tickets to the Monster Truck Show! He was really looking forward to that. 

And you know bROkEN nEWs can't rap about Mitch with an edition of.....

AWKWARD MOMENTS 

with 

MITCH MCCONNELL  

MITCH MCCONNELL 

MITCH MCCONNELL 

MITCH MCCONNELL 

MITCH MCCONNELL 

And this has been 

AWKWARD MOMENTS 

with 

MITCH MCCONNELL  

MITCH MCCONNELL 

MITCH MCCONNELL 

MITCH MCCONNELL 

MITCH MCCONNELL 

#BrokenNews  “Anti-Obamacare Rep. Urges Obama To Use Obamacare To Fight Ebola” Or maybe Obama could use kung-fu to fight Ebola.

#BrokenNews  "Americans Are Stocking Up On Ebola Survival Gear" OK, let me check the list.

1. Guns
2. Beer

OK, we're done.

 
#BrokenNews  "Texas Voter ID Law Crushed By Federal Court, Calls It A 'Poll Tax'" Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX) is confused as he ponders just how many Polish people live in Texas anyway.  

#BrokenNews  “White House Defends Joe Biden Following Latest Gaffes” And that defense is, “Hey, it’s Joe Biden. Watcha gonna do, huh?”

Well, the White House shouldn't worry too much because....

#BrokenNews  "Proof Americans Have No Clue Who Joe Biden Is" Quite frankly, Joe himself isn't 100% sure. ("I think I have some kind of job with the government?") 

President Obama offers the nation a high five but 
the situation turns awkward as the nation 
furtively moves away, avoiding eye contact.

#BrokenNews  “Cops Raid Man's House After They Mistake Okra For Marijuana” Can you believe okra is still legal in this country? When are we going to do something about this scourge on American society? 

You know, kids get on the okra and the next thing you know they're moving on to stronger vegetables like the asparagus and the cauliflower before bottoming out after a $500 a day zucchini habit!

Listen up, kids: just say no to okra!

#BrokenNews  "Court Cracks Down On 'Racial Gerrymandering'" Or as it's more formally known, Geraldmandering. 

#BrokenNews  "North Korea Acknowledges Existence Of Labor Camps For First Time" Everybody's focused on the "labor" part of that when the main thing is they're "camps" and everyone loves to go to camp, right?

It appears Rick Scott has just about given up
trying to not look like he's evil.

#BrokenNews  "CNN Chief Pushes Ahead With Massive Changes To Nab Viewers" 

Well, here are three ideas to be considered by CNN.

1. Say stupid shit. (Works for Fox News) 
2. Lots of upskirt shots of the female anchors. (Also works for Fox News)  
3. Pair up Anderson Cooper with Kathy Griffin ALL the time. (Works for train wrecks.) 

#BrokenNews  "White House Delays Labor Protections For Invisible Workforce" First we got to find them. They are invisible, you know. "Marco!" "Polo!"  

#BrokenNews  "Putin's Birthday Present Depicts Him As Hercules" His present was going to depict him as Zeus but even Putin doesn't have an ego that big. Also Putin didn't know Zeus was an option so Putin will have someone killed. 

Yes, I am working off the assumption that Putin gave himself this present. I mean, I don't see someone going into a Spencer's Gifts thinking, "Hey, Vlad's birthday is coming up! I wonder if I should get him a blacklight poster or a jar of fake brains?" 

Besides, I bet he already has a jar of brains and they're not fake. Damn, Putin is SO hard to buy for. 

"Chill out, dude! It's not what you think!"
"If it is what you think, that says more about 
you than it does about us!"  

#BrokenNews  "“Walmart: No More Health Insurance For Part-Timers” Also part-timers will get 25% less gruel with their rations.

#BrokenNews  "Walmart Cuts Health Insurance For 30,000 Workers" And now a look at a Wal-Mart exec's to do list.

1. Buy cheap stuff from China.

2. Make sure there is only 1 cashier for every 572 customers in the store

3. Fuck the employees

And his work here is done for another day. 

#BrokenNews  "Drunk Stripper Attacks Boyfriend With Ax" And I bet she didn't have a permit for that ax.

#BrokenNews  "Nick Cannon: Don't Joke About Amanda Bynes' Mental Health" You know, that's a very good point there and I think I should refrain from further jokes about Amanda's mental health, Mr....er...

I'm sorry, who are you again? 

#BrokenNews  "Fox News Hosts Make Ridiculous Claim About Youth Voters" 

And now, bROkEN nEWs takes you...

BEHIND THE HEADLINES! BEHIND THE HEADLINES!

Here's an interesting factoid about all the other news services that are not Fox News. They all have this headline prepared in advance: 

Fox News Hosts Make Ridiculous Claim About <insert topic here>.  

It's a real time saver and gets the word out quickly and efficiently. it's easy and it's fun. Watch this.  

Fox News Hosts Make Ridiculous Claim About Carrot Sticks
Fox News Hosts Make Ridiculous Claim About Panty Shields
Fox News Hosts Make Ridiculous Claim About Golf Carts
Fox News Hosts Make Ridiculous Claim About Parakeets
Fox News Hosts Make Ridiculous Claim About the Number Four

And NOW you know! 

This has been BEHIND THE HEADLINES! BEHIND THE HEADLINES!

And as our time together comes to an end, let's draw bROkEN nEWs to a close with a headline of some dignity and respect.

Or we could end on a headline about vaginas. 

#BrokenNews  "We Asked Men What Really Baffled Them About Lady Parts, And This Is What They Said" Where is the USB port?  

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And that's all for this week's bROkEN nEWs. And I'm really excited about something this week. bROkEN nEWs is being tested with a specially chosen focus group to provide feedback on this feature. This is so cool!  

And now I get to hear from one of the participants of the focus group who just finished reading today's blog post! Sweet! 

Zzzzzzzzzzz! Snort! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Well, that sucks. 

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Doctor Who Weekend materializes on Saturday and Sunday. First, of all the reasons a companion might leave the Doctor, have any left because they were pissed off at him? There have been at least two. We will discuss that on Saturday. 

Then after Saturday night's new episode, The Mummy on the Orient Express, I will post a review of said episode on Sunday.

Until then, be good to one another.

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Zzzzz! (mumble)
I don't get the Mitch McConnell stuff. (mumble)
Zzzzzzzzz!