Friday, October 3, 2014

Broken News For Friday, October 3rd, 2014

Hi there and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that is 100%* Ebola free!

*+/- 2 point margin of error

I'm Dave-El and when it's Friday, you now what that means? 

It's time to be tortured entertained by a new edition of....

This week, bROkEN nEWs is brought to you by... 


Chickens! Tender and delicious!
Eat some today! 

Because the chickens are getting organized 
and they have a plan for revenge against all humans!
But until the blood of the revolution is spilled..

Enjoy some tasty chicken TODAY! 
(Really, tomorrow may be too late.)  
bROkEN nEWs swings for the fences in 5...





#BrokenNews Cost Of Bombing ISIS Closing In On A Billion Dollars” If those ISIS bastards would just stand still, it wouldn't cost so much!
#BrokenNews Leader Of Al Qaeda's Syria Affiliate Warns Of Revenge For U.S.-Led Airstrikes” Why can't Al Qaeda warn us of, I don't know, fresh baked cookies? Always with the revenge!

#BrokenNews Few Americans Feel Personally Affected By Conflict With ISIS”  We’re OK as long as everything’s all NBIMBY: No Beheadings In My Back Yard

President Obama is miffed over another
Secret Service security lapse.
Somehow Joe Biden got in.


#BrokenNews "Obama Rode Elevator With Armed Ex-Convict In Latest Secret Service Slip-Up" The guy was wearing a t-shirt that read, "Kiss Me! I'm an Armed Ex-Convict!". 

#BrokenNews "Secret Service Director Resigns Amid White House Intruder Scandal" She was a bit confused: "Wait! The Secret Service is supposed to stop EVERYBODY? That's a lot of pressure!" 

#BrokenNews "Pierson Wanted To Run Secret Service 'Like Disney World'" Which I guess explains the goofy behavior of the Secret Service.

#BrokenNews "GOPers Seize On Ebola Fears To Hit Obama" Didja know ebola is caused by Benghazi? It's true!

#BrokenNews Obama Predicts Democrats Will Hold The Senate In November” Which pretty much promises the GOP will take control of the Senate.

And speaking of the Senate races, Alison Grimes, running for US Senator in Kentucky, picks up a very important endorsement.

bROkEN nEWs does not endorse or condone this alleged joke because
it is disrespectful of both Ms. Grimes as well as to the former President...
...oh, who the hell am I kidding?
20 years later and Bill Clinton as unrepentant horn dog is still pretty funny.

#BrokenNews "Ferguson Cops Are Still Locking Up Protesters, Even In Broad Daylight" Well, it IS kind of their thing now and the tourists seem to love it.

#BrokenNews How Ferguson Is Stifling Journalism With Insanely High Fees” Journalists retaliate by making the newspaper word jumble even harder.

#BrokenNews Physicist Offers Proof Black Holes Don't Exist” I have dozens of single socks. Don’t tell me black holes don’t exist!

#BrokenNews Prisons Are Adopting The Walmart Business Model” So if you’re looking to break out, expect a very long line.

Cosplayers invade Syria.


#BrokenNews Humans Causing Deadly Heat Waves” Four words: Mad. Scientist. Heat. Ray. 
#BrokenNews U.S. Signs Deal To Keep Troops In Afghanistan” It comes with free HBO and an unlimited data plan. Sweet! 

#BrokenNews "Gun Control Groups Prepare For Battle With NRA"Just a friendly reminder, gun control groups: the NRA is armed. 


#BrokenNews "Mitt Romney Fans Speculation Over Another White House Run" A new run will be in 3-D with better special effects and someone else playing Romney.
#BrokenNews Walmart: Tracy Morgan Should've Worn Seatbelt When Our Truck Hit Him” You go, Wal-Mart! It was like he was just sitting there, asking for a truck to hit him! 

Following that logic, JFK should've been wearing a helmet.

#BrokenNews  "Woman Spends A Month In Jail After Cops Mistake SpaghettiOs For Meth" Well they certainly weren't going to mistake it for food.  

#BrokenNews Germany To Consider Ban On Late-Night Work Emails” Really? A ban on late night work e-mails? Damn, how bad can this situation be? 

Let me review this late night e-mail from Germany. Sorry, my German's a bit rusty.  

Hallo, ihr bastarde ficken.  
I believe he's saying "Hello, bastards." Er, excuse me, "fucking bastards". 

Es ist nach Mitternacht, und ich habe ein paar Dinge, die ich sagen möchte
It's after midnight and he has some things he wants to share with the group. 

Ja, ich habe getrunken, aber das ist nicht deine verdammte Geschäft. 
It looks like he's admitting he has been drinking but that's not important. 

Ich möchte nur, dass Sie alle wissen, dass Sie diese Scheiße Beschäftigung nehmen und ihn zu schieben Sie Ihr verdammten Ärsche. 
Apparently he's tired of working there. Really tired of it.

Carol, wenn Ihre Fotze wurde Kribbeln, ist, dass Herpes du Schlampe
He may have given someone named Carol herpes.

Und Bob der selben Sie
Also Bob. 

Sie alle können in die Hölle zu gehen und mir egal
He says everyone can go to hell.

Fick dich!
And he signs off with "Fuck you". 

Yeah, that's not pretty, is it?

"'Til death do us what now?!" 

#BrokenNews "You've Been Organizing Your Fridge All Wrong" All right then, where exactly in the fridge is the best place to store human heads?

#BrokenNews We're All Secretly Psychopaths” Secretly? 

#BrokenNews Amanda Bynes Arrested For DUI” OMG! SHE’S STILL OUT THERE? I thought she had been taken to some d-list celebrity nature preserve where she could roam free in the wild. 

"If You Want Great Sex, Think Like a Lesbian" OK, I've put on some K D Lang. Now what?

"Are School Uniforms Ever A Good Idea?" I suppose it depends on the-

Yes. Yes, they are.*

*OK, the joke was to find a photo of a hot female person in a sexy school girl outfit and then come out in favor of school uniforms. Well, this was the best pic I can find of a sexy school girl ensemble that didn't involve odd body contortions showing off graphicly exposed hoo-hahs. Or of Britney Spears from the "Whoops! I Did It Again" heyday of her "career". Either way, I didn't want to violate my "no skanks" rule here at bROkEN nEWs

So this outfit is almost user friendly as an actual school uniform except for the skirt being a bit too short. And the knee socks. Look, if a school uniform was supposed to come with thigh high boots...OK, that's just weird. Anyway, knee socks, yeah, they're just socks, "keeping your feet warm". Right. 

And maybe I'm just getting to old for this sort of thing but my first thought looking at this model is, "God, she really needs to eat something."


Well that brings another edition of bROkEN nEWs staggering across home plate. 

I hope you've enjoyed today's bROkEN nEWs. However, if there was any part of today's post that you found troubling or offensive, I implore you to make this known to the bROkEN nEWs complaint department. 

Who's monitoring the complaint desk today? 

Yes, a river otter. 


Because river otters are cool, that's why.


Tomorrow and Sunday is another double helping of Doctor Who Weekend.

  • Saturday: We're half way through Series 8. How are things shaping up so far?
  • Sunday: A review of the new Doctor Who episode, Kill the Moon
Until then, be good to one another. 


The chickens WILL have their revenge.

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