Friday, October 24, 2014

Broken News for Friday, October 24th, 2014

I'm Dave-El and hey, everybody! Find me somebody toooooooooo... love.

Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that puts the "Ola" back into "Ebola"! 

"Oh yeah! That's right! EBOLA, baby!!"" 

Today is Friday and a world weary and desperate for hope and humor in an uncertain time turns to...

Well, I don't know where the world is turning to but you've wound up here instead for another edition of bROkEN nEWs! 

Yes, bROkEN nEWs, the internet's most misunderstood source of news satire is back once again ALL NEW, PARTIALLY FUNNY!*

*Gee, I hope we can get all the way up to partially.

But first....

...we have a special celebrity guest here on bROkEN nEWs today. Please give a warm welcome to Renee Zellweger!

Hi, Dave-El! I'm glad to be here today to...

 Excuse me! Yeah. Uh, who are you?

I'm Renee Zellweger!  

No, you're not.

Yes, I am! You know, I was in Jerry Maguire
with Tom Cruise! Oh, and I made those
two Bridget Jones movies and....

Look, I've seen BOTH Bridget Jones movies WAY more than a straight man should 
and I know you're not Renee Zellweger.

How can you say that? Are you so blinded
by superficialities that you can't see the
true me, the real Renee Zellweger?

OK, that's it! I'm calling security!

Sorry about that, folks! I have NO idea who that was and how she got in here. 

OK, let's put this behind us and get on with this week's bROkEN nEWs in 5...





#BrokenNews  "Leading Voter ID 'Intellectual' Zeroes In On Another Way To Restrict Voting

And the answer is... Barbed wire! 
Around the each voting place? 
No, around each ballot!

#BrokenNews  "ISIS Fighters Pick Up Weapons Airdropped By U.S.-Led Coalition" And did we get so much as a thank you card? Oh hell no! 

Well, fuck you, ISIS! See if we do that again!*

*We probably will.

#BrokenNews  "FBI: 3 Denver Girls Stopped In Germany Possibly Aimed To Join ISIS" They thought ISIS was a touring music festival like Lollapalooza or Lilith Fair or some junk like that.

#BrokenNews  "Michele Bachmann May Be An ISIS Target" So ISIS is lowering it's standards then?

"You dance so divinely, Mr. President." 

#BrokenNews  "Rikers Island Inmate Claims He Was Beaten And Sodomized By Guard" But it's right there on the travel brochure: Riker's Island: Come For the Beatings; Stay For the Sodomy!

#BrokenNews  "Christie 'Tired Of Hearing About' Minimum Wage" He's also tired of waiting for that Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, missy!

#BrokenNews  "Assad Seizes On U.S. Fight With ISIS In Syria To Attack His Own Foes" Assad figures while we're focused on ISIS, he can do whatever he wants. Yeah, they had a good laugh at the White House about that one, too. 

#BrokenNews  "Toys R Us Pulls 'Breaking Bad' Dolls Following Angry Mom's Petition" Dwayne in the Toys R Us stockroom can hook you up with some actual meth, real cheap and easy.

And by the way, here are some other toy selections you might find at Toys R Us.
  1. CSI Li'l Forensics Lab from Playskool
  2. Mad Men Inaction Figures with extra pensiveness. Scotch and cigarettes sold separately
  3. Sons Of Anarchy Big Wheels
  4. NCIS Jethro Gibbs Snark 'N' Say
  5. Walking Dead Hug 'n' Squeeze Plush Dolls 
  6. Dancing With the Stars Edition of Twister
  7. Grey's Anatomy Let's Play Doctor Dress Up Set complete with stethoscope and condoms

"AiYEEE! Sandoval's doing jazz hands! 

Oh dear God,NO, not the jazz hands!"

#BrokenNews  Hong Kong Leader Says Democracy Gives Poor Too Much Power” Over in the USA, the Koch brothers exclaim, “Yes! Exactly! That's IT! Someone finally understands us!"

#BrokenNews  Fox News Hosts Tell Young Women Not To Vote” Because voting is like, oh my God, just so icky and gross!
Gov. Rick Scott (R-FL) has gone to his
happy place where he thinks
of new ways to kill Superman.

#BrokenNews  U.S. Expands Massive Vehicle Recall Over Air Bags That Could Spray Shrapnel At Drivers” Isn't a massive recall a bit too much? Yes, the air bags COULD spray shrapnel at drivers but where’s the data to suggest they WILL spray shrapnel?
I suspect a liberal anti-shrapnel agenda and we should fight this recall because all the science is not in on how the human body reacts to shrapnel.
#BrokenNews  Bill O'Reilly Puts Karl Rove In His Place”  And Karl Rove's place is in...the Big Rock Candy Mountains.

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains,
Where Karl Rove likes to sleep
Where America is run by the Bushes
And the Clintons never make a peep.
The welfare rolls are empty
Cause we sent the poor to Mars
We found WMDs
And we knocked down the trees
And Obama we impeach 
While the white men preach
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains
#BrokenNews  McDonald's Sales Plunge 30 Percent” Maybe putting McHaggis on the menu was NOT a good idea. 
#BrokenNews  Pennsylvania Supreme Court Justice Suspended Over Porn Scandal” Apparently he was downloading less than the quota of porn mandated for public officials.
#BrokenNews  Alabama's Republican House Speaker Arrested” So what was he arrested for? 

To find out, let's play...


Brought to you by...

Limbaugh's Home Remedy Sphincter Tightener! 

After 6 years of having Barack Obama in office as the "President", it may not as easy to get your ass as uptight as it was the day they swore in that Kenyan native. But now you can relive those early glory days of hatred and bigotry with...

Limbaugh's Home Remedy Sphincter Tightener! 

Remember, it's for rectal use only; please, no swallowing. 

Now on with the game.  A Republican politician in Alabama has been arrested. Can you guess the charge?

Here are your choices: 

·         Fraud and/or Ethics charges 
·         Public drunkenness 
·         Possession of Illegal drugs  
·         Soliciting for sex 
o   Bonus points if a male prostitute was involved. 
Players, it's time to make your guesses.

While the players consider which charge to choose, let me remind you that all players will win a free home edition of Arrest That Republican! It's HOURS of fun for your whole family.

OK, players, have you made your selection?

Great! So let's see what the charge was for! 

"Alabama House Speaker Mike Hubbard (R) was arrested on Monday and charged with 23 felony ethics charges."
So if you picked "Fraud and/or Ethics charges", congratulations! You win this week's big prize, a lifetime supply of ...

Limbaugh's Home Remedy Sphincter Tightener! 

If Hillary Clinton gets elected in 2016, boy, you're gonna need it!

Thanks for joining us today for....


Boy, that went on a long time, didn't it? Let's bring this bird in for a landing. 

#BrokenNews  "American held by N. Korea gets tearful reunion in Ohio" From North Korea to Ohio? This poor bastard can't catch a break, can he? 

#BrokenNews  "Mindy Kaling Defends Controversial Anal Sex Episode" She didn't realize they were filming that. 


And that is that for this week's bROkEN nEWs which as been brought to you by...!

Some dating sites try to match you up with a your true love, your soul mate, you know, shit like that. But not at! You're stupid drunk and you just need to get laid. is here to help! sets you up with whoever we can find on a moments notice to do whatever sex thing you want to do for a couple of drinks but make it quick because she's got to get to her 3rd shift job down at the meat processing plant in an hour.

So if you need a quick fuck and have absolutely no standards whatsoever for body type, personality, hygiene or sexually transmitted diseases, we are the site for you...!

Remember our motto: C'mon, let's get this over with. 


I hope everyone has enjoyed today's bROkEN nEWs. Your happiness and satisfaction are important to me so if you have any concerns or complaints, please bring these to the attention of the bROkEN nEWs Complaint Desk.  And who's on the desk today?

What the hell? King Tut? King Tut's on the complaint desk?!

Don't be in "the Nile" but trust me, "tomb" it may concern, if you have any problem, he'll be "pharaoh" with you. 

Really? I went there? Where do I go to lodge a complaint against myself? 


"Hi! Renee Zellweger here to remind you that 
bROkEN nEWs is a production of Dave-El Inc
and I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You

OUT! You are NOT Renee Zellweger! OUT! 


Another pair of posts are on the way as Doctor Who Weekend materializes once again.

Saturday features Part 2 of our look at male companions. And Sunday presents a review of the latest new episode, In the Forest of the Night


And that is finally that! Thanks for dropping by and remember to be good to one another.

Carl Kasell

I was saddened to hear of the death of Carl Kasell, a distinctive voice on NPR’s "Morning Edition" and "Wait, Wait ... Don...