When I Found Myself In the Onion

One of my favorite destinations on the web is The Onion, the news satire site that tackles real world events like the recent pro-democracy protests in Hong Kong.

U.S. Assures Hong Kong That Their Protest Just One Of Many Issues White House Staying Silent On

Or the recent concerns over application of the death penalty in the United States.

Johnson & Johnson Hoping Brand Won’t Be Tarnished If They Dip Into Lethal Injection Game

Or maybe events involving celebrities, sports or drug use. Or this trifecta.

Michael Phelps Banned From Having Any Contact With Water For 6 Months


One my favorite things that The Onion does is to apply the earnest style of newspaper reporting to the most ordinary things, the most humdrum parts of the human condition. 

Man Having A Great Time Will Soon Have To Apologize To Everyone

But today I saw this headline posted on The Onion and I had to wonder, did an actual news story get inserted into all the satirical headlines? Because this...

Local Oaf Not Sure What Part Of Counter You Order At

...this is my life. 

The article attached to this headline continues to abuse the subject of this article as he struggles to cope with important considerations like, "I wonder if those people over there are in line or if they’re just waiting for their food. Hmm.” Don't mock him for this because this happens to me all the time! I've asked the same questions! I'll go into some eatery with no clear idea where the line begins or even where the line is. There should be clearly marked points of line entry and a line on the floor where people should stand in line.  C'mon, we're not scientists out here! 

Oh, and this story takes place in North Carolina.  Where I live.

Oh, shit! The guy kind of even looks like me!

C'mon, is someone watching me? 

OK, heads up to the writers of the The Onion, I'm putting you on notice! Don't think I don't know me when I see me in an article. Another such "article" that attempts to find the funny in life's true challenges at my expense will be met with the utmost disdain. 

You may think that's not much of a threat but whoa! I can churn up some A+ disdain, oh yeah. I'm known for my high quality disdain. 

They call me...The Disdainanator. 




OK, nobody calls me that, but....

But...

Oh, shut up! 

I'm so glad my suffering amuses you.

Dave-El