Friday, October 17, 2014

Broken News for Friday, October 17th, 2014

Hello and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, America's secret weapon in the war against Ebola, the Islamic State and Katherine Heigl

I'm Dave-El and I just want to say that you can't prove anything and besides the charges were dropped. 

Since this is Friday, it must mean it's time for...

Thank you, Anderson Cooper!

Yes, bROkEN nEWs which is brought to you today by...

Charlie's Twin Function Fans

...small electric fans that can make two people feel two different temperatures at the same time. 

These fans may be small but they are uniquely designed to keep, say for example, a Democratic gubernatorial candidate in Florida cool during debates. And if another person such as, oh let's just throw a random example out there, the current Republican governor of Florida is feeling a bit chilly, these special fans can make him all hot under the collar, providing comforting warmth from bone chilling cold. 

Charlie's Twin Function Fans can be found at Target, Walgreens and underneath podiums.*

*And in case you're wondering what THAT is all about, check THIS out.  

bROkEN nEWs  gets popped into the oven in 5...





#BrokenNews  "SCOTT: It Wasn't About The Fan!" To settle this, Rick Scott and Charlie Crist will debate this song!

Charlie: "You know it's all about the fan, 'bout the fan!"
Rick: "No it isn't!"
Charlie: "It's all about the fan, 'bout the fan!"
Rick: "No it isn't!"
Charlie: "It's all about the fan, 'bout the fan!"
Rick: "No it isn't!"
Charlie: "It's all about the fan, 'bout the fan!"
Rick: "No it isn't!"
Charlie: "I think it's very clear what the issue was,
               you didn't wanna hear my little fan buzz!"
Rick: "You know there wasn't anything, no not a single rule
            that you could have a fan to keep yourself cool"
Charlie: "Yes there was too, you know that, Rick. 
              You picked a lousy time to act like a total dick!"
Rick: "You're not so great, you know, you cannot stand the heat,
            Which causes your to ass to sweat and give you stinky feet!"
Charlie: "You know it's all about the fan, 'bout the fan!"
Rick: "No it isn't!"
Charlie: "It's all about the fan, 'bout the fan!"
Rick: "No it isn't!"
Charlie: "It's all about the fan, 'bout the fan!"
Rick: "No it isn't!"
Charlie: "It's all about the fan, 'bout the fan!"
Rick: "No it isn't!"

#BrokenNews  "Top Health Official: We'd Likely Have A Vaccine If Not For Budget Cuts" GOP wonders how they can link this to Benghazi.

#BrokenNews  "Obama Orders Immediate Federal Action On Ebola"  Heads up, ebola! The prez is gonna lay down some drone strikes on your ass!

#BrokenNews  "Kenyans Dominate Chicago Marathon" The key to winning the Chicago Marathon is to outrun gun fire.

Senate candidate Alison Grimes is
about ready to deck somebody good!

#BrokenNews  "NAACP Delegates Furious Over Christie's Appearance At Event" The New Jersey governor cut in front of the buffet line.

#BrokenNews  "The Planet Just Had Its Warmest September Ever" Ever?! What about that September back in  10,000 BC? Damn that was a scorcher!

#BrokenNews  "Supermarket Chains Caught Illegally Mislabeling Meat" Although how anyone can tell if a rump roast is conservative or liberal, I have no idea.

Vice President Joe Biden is really pissed off
that his finger is stuck to the edge of the photo

And now, ladies and gentlemen, bROkEN nEWs is proud to present...

the music of Darth Vader.

"Memories, pressed between the pages
of my mind..."

#BrokenNews  "Official: Oklahoma Not Ready For Upcoming Executions" The invitations need to go out, decorations need to be put up and...shit! Who's doing the catering?

#BrokenNews  "State Rep: Dem Congresswoman Will Lose Because She's 'Ugly As Sin'" See, she's doing it all wrong. The prerequisite for politicians is to be "guilty as sin".

#BrokenNews  "NYT: U.S. Found Chemical Weapons In Iraq, But Not The 'Right' Ones" Saddam's fart bombs: man, those things use to make him laugh and laugh!

And laugh. 

Quick thinking saves baseball player
who caught on fire

#BrokenNews  "Scott Walker Doesn't Think The Minimum Wage 'Serves A Purpose'" No one Scott knows earns minimum wage. It's just a crutch for poor people.

#BrokenNews  "Missouri Official Apparently Calls For Military Coup Against Obama" It's really a shame its come to this. Damn! If only the United States had some kind of voting process to democratically elect our political leaders.

#BrokenNews  "Nurse Accused Of Killing 38 Patients She Found Annoying" She killed the annoying patients? I'm surprised she stopped at 38.

Quick! Blame this on Obamacare!

Cardinal tries to hide the pain after
the propeller broke off his beanie

#BrokenNews  "Prosecutor: Oscar Pistorius Offered 'Blood Money' After Killing" It was literally money that got blood on it.

#BrokenNews  "Macy's To Kick Off Black Friday Earlier Than Ever" It starts today!

#BrokenNews  "Nickelback Singer Responds To Haters" Also, Nickelback singer quits band to take on full time gig of responding to haters.

A lot of people don't like Nickelback, you see.

"Somewhere over the rainbow,
blue birds fly..."

Yes, I know that would've a great opportunity for Darth Vader to sing something by Nickelback but that's just not Vader's bag, man.*

*Also, Nickelback sucks.

#BrokenNews  "U.S. Launches Heaviest Assault On ISIS Yet" We're bombing them with fat guys!

#BrokenNews  "Bono Apologizes For The New U2 Album" I got it FREE on iTunes and still want my money back!

#BrokenNews  "How Suzanne Somers Keeps Her Sex Life Steamy At 67" I'm thinking maybe a humidifier?

Also helpful: don't remind me she's 67.

Former President George W Bush
senses a disturbance in the force.

#BrokenNews  "Artie Lange Says William Shatner Is 'A Bit Of A Douche'" Thus bringing Artie Lange into the fold with a special group of people known as "everyone else".  

#BrokenNews  "How To Roast Pumpkin Seeds" First find out if pumpkin seeds have any weird quirks or embarrassing habits that you can use to make fun of. 

OK, let's close on a particularly strong, very funny bit.

The Rick Scott Fan Club

OK, maybe not.


Now it's time to stick a fork in bROkEN nEWs  because it is done. Wait! Let's hear ONE MORE TIME from Singing Darth Vader!

"All I need is the air that I breathe 
and to love you...."

Thank you for dropping by.  bROkEN nEWs  is a production of Dave-El Inc and I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Entertainment and should not be duplicated without permission and really, why would you? 

Now before we go...

NO! No, you can't go yet! 

Tomorrow kicks off a two for the price of none double post of Doctor Who Weekend. We take a look at that most rare of creatures, the male companion; and we review this week's new episode of Doctor Who entitled Flatline

OK, OK, angry cat! Geez!  .

Everybody be good to one another, OK?

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