Friday, October 31, 2014

Broken News (On a Break!) For Friday, October 31st, 2014

Happy Halloween, everybody! 

My name is Dave-El and this is I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog with a chewy nougat center.  

As you see from the banner above, this is Friday I'm posting bROkEN nEWs oN A bReAk as I expect to be engaged with some Halloween related activities, none of which involves digging any shallow graves for hastily killed hitchhikers. 


Let's get the classic headlines going in 5...





June 6th, 2014

#BrokenNews "Assad Wins Syria's Presidential 'Election'" You gotta admit, his "Vote for me or I'll kill you" platform was very effective. 

#BrokenNews "Pope Francis Shakes Up The Vatican Again" The Pope's cranking up his AC/DC record collection way too loud again.

#BrokenNews "NSA Stonewalls When Pressed To Come Clean On 'Backdoor Searches'" I was hoping 'backdoor searches' doesn't mean what I think it means but I just got a note from the NSA recommending a good proctologist.

June 13th, 2014

#BrokenNews "Gay Marriage Battle Heats Up In Texas" To be fair, everything heats up in Texas. Texas is hot! Texas is TOO DAMN HOT! And ARMED! Gay people are fighting to live in freedom and equality in a state filled with hot, sweaty people with guns! 

So... good luck with that. 

#BrokenNews "Ted Cruz's Wish Is Finally Granted: He Is No Longer Canadian" Which in turn also grants the wish of most Canadians. 

#BrokenNews "Pope Kicks Off Mideast Peace Summit Of Prayer" Officially known as..."The Budweiser Monster Summit of Prayer!"  

June 20th, 2014

#BrokenNews "GOP Leadership Race Heats Up" Also known as the "Rat Race To the Bottom!"

#BrokenNews "Fish Just May Be A Lot Smarter Than We Thought" Have you ever seen a fish holding public office? Exactly!  

#BrokenNews "What Joe Biden Gave Up To Run With Obama" Besides his pro-wrestling career. 

July 11th, 2014

#BrokenNews "GOP Convention Location AnnouncedOK, Cleveland agreed to do this but it's oral sex only, no kissing and just leave the money on the bedside table, OK? 

#BrokenNews "NYT: Have Republicans Shut Themselves Out Of White House?"
"I thought you had the keys!"
"No, you said YOU had them!" 
"No, I did not!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"

#BrokenNews "Postal Worker Caught On Video Hurling Packages Into Ravine" Wow! A postal worker actually had packages?!?!

July 18th, 2014

#BrokenNews "U.S. Steps In To Avert Political Crisis In Afghanistan" If that works out, maybe the U.S. will try to avert political crisis in the U.S.

#BrokenNews "Cheney Pushes Same War Junk As '02" But people will just wander off for a beer or go to the restroom if he pulls out new material. His fans just want to hear the classics. 

#BrokenNews Taco Bell Tests Plowing More Meat Into Meals” As long as there are no pesky questions about where the meat comes from.  

July 25th, 2014

#BrokenNews "GOP, Dems Fall Farther Apart On Immigration" The sticking point is whether to shoot some of the immigrants or all of the immigrants.

#BrokenNews "GOP's Obamacare Replacement Apparently Still In The Works" The GOP would have finished it by now except Paul Ryan keeps forgetting to bring in his Sears Craftsman socket wrench set.  

#BrokenNews "George Takei Tells Bill Maher Why He Can't Stand William Shatner" Forcing Bill Maher to clear his schedule for the rest of the week.

August 1st, 2014

#BrokenNews "House GOP Border Plan Opposed By... Republicans" Someone in the GOP realized, "Oh shit, we're about to actually DO something?! Whew! That was a close one!" 

#BrokenNews Alabama Officials Say New EPA Regulations Violate God's Will” Apparently God's will is for Alabama to be run by morons.

#BrokenNews GOP's Latest Plan To Take Down Obama Backfires” Don’t worry! Congressman Wiley E Coyote is ordering a new plan from ACME!

August 8th, 2014

#BrokenNews "Fed Issues Stark Warning To Big Banks" The Fed said there would be SERIOUS consequences if the big banks do anything evil. OK, overtly evil. OK, obviously, overtly evil. You know what? Forget we said anything. 

#BrokenNews "Critical Problem With The GOP Lawsuit Against Obama Emerges" Apparently it's not illegal for the President to be black after all. 

#BrokenNews "L.A. Pornographers Are Flooding The Internet With Underground Porn" "Underground porn?" No wonder the lighting's so bad!

August 15th, 2014

#BrokenNews  "New Iraqi PM Pledges To 'Rebuild And Re-Train' Iraq Army" They'll be a brand new lean, mean running away machine. 

#BrokenNews  "Hard-Fought Victory For Virgin America Flight Attendants" Meanwhile, completely getting screwed? Flight attendants for Total Whore Airlines. 

#BrokenNews  "Whole Foods' Plan To Sell Rabbit Meat Incites Fury" Customer Elmer Fudd is said to "pawticuwawy fuwious" citing he is "pewfectly capable of hunting my own wabbit meat. Heh. Heh. Heh. Heh."  

August 22nd, 2014

#BrokenNews "White House Doesn't Rule Out Obama Trip To Ferguson" Although Obama was really hoping to take the kids to Six Flags this summer. 

#BrokenNews "Mitt Romney Says Obama Is Doing A 'Good Deal Worse Than Even I Expected'" Then he added, "It's a good thing I'll be replacing him when all the votes are tallied up." On the wall behind Romney is a calendar for November 2012 with the first Tuesday of the month circled in red and labeled "Victory Day!" Romney chuckles and says, "Yep, the final votes are coming in any minute now and we can put this whole 'Obama is President' misunderstanding behind us."  

#BrokenNews "The Unexpected Meals You Can Make With Cauliflower" And the completely EXPECTED reaction of no one eating it. 


And that's a wrap for this week's revisit of classic headlines from the bROkEN nEWs'
Summer of Love Barely Tolerating the Existence of Other Humans.  

Tomorrow kicks off with 1 of a 2 day Doctor Who Weekend post. 

Next Friday, bROkEN nEWs will be feature a special spotlight on someone who has come to mean a lot to the bROkEN nEWs  staff. It's a post-election celebration of...

"This is a GOOD thing, right?"

In two weeks, bROkEN nEWs  will be back ALL NEW, PARTIALLY FUNNY.  

Until then, be good to one another.

Well, It's Monday Again.

Well, it's Monday again.  It keeps happening.  This weekend, I think I finally moved beyond my sinus infection and/or tick bite. My ...