"She had style, she had flair, she was there! So Affleck screwed the nanny!"
They're both country singers so they'll each get an album or two out of it.
Sean Penn and Charlize Theron
Charlize couldn't get past the fact that every time they had sex, she would think, "Sean used to put this inside of Madonna? Ewww!"
Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green
Megan kept asking Brian to wear a name tag.
Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn
It's a shame because I thought they had a really solid connection. She's a downhill skier and his golf game's been going downhill. Hey, welcome to Greensboro, Tiger, buddy! (Maybe I'll get a This (Non) Sporting Life blog post out of Tiger's visit to my local environs.)
Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger
I don't think he'll be back.
Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield
They had to break up when the Amazing Spiderman sequel was scrapped.
Jean-Claude Van Damme and Gladys Portugues Van Varenberg
I'm out of breath just typing all of that. The divorce settlement calls for Gladys to get the Chevy van and Jean-Claude gets to keep his collector's edition Blu-ray disc of Van Wilder.
Michael Sam and Vito Cammisano
Why should straight couples have all the fun?
Rosie O’Donnell and Michelle Rounds
This is the 2nd woman to divorce Rosie. Maybe the two ex-wives and Donald Trump can form a "I Hate Rosie" club?
Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith
No, not yet! Just be patient.
You know the joke, "Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100? Because every time she got to 69, she got a frog in her throat." Well, Kermit will tell you, it's just a joke, only a joke. And if it wasn't a joke, they wouldn't be breaking up, know what I'm saying'?
Here's another take on the Kermit/Miss Piggy break up.
So some of these relationship perhaps got off on a wrong foot. For those couples who were married, the problems could've started as early as their wedding day. Which is why it's very important to not have bad wedding vows. That can get the whole thing started in a totally wrong direction.
OK, fine, you caught me! I'm serving up re-heated Tweets.
09) Until death do us part.
Which does include (if I'm not mistaken) murder.
08) I will love you 'til the end of time.
And now I'm praying for the end of time.
(Meat Loaf Edition)
07) Love is good
Love is kind
I've got to be
Out of my freakin' mind!
06) I do!
I think I do.
No, pretty sure I do.
Yep, I do.
Maybe. (Damn it!)
05) Our love is like a banana.
No, wait! It's not like a banana.
Forget I mentioned the banana.
Can I start over?
04) For as long as this groovy thing will last, baby!
03) Eh, why not?
02) Offer void in Alaska and Hawaii
And finally, #1 on my list of Bad Wedding Vows:
I will love you forever. Forever as defined in Article 3, Paragraph 7, Subsection B of our pre-nup.
That last one went over big on Twitter with lots of favorites and retweets. Thank you, Twittertonians!
Oh, here's one more thing relating to wedding vows.
And that's about all the damage I can do around here today. Tomorrow is a Doctor Who post and Episode Two of my new fan-fiction drama, Prisoners of the Daleks.
Until next time, be good to one another, even your exes.