Monday, August 17, 2015

Top 10 Lists

Hi there! Dave-El here and this is I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, your internet source of...whatever.

Ooh boy. 

So here's the thing: for 2015, I've posted some damn thing or another to this blog every day. Once in a while, even twice. I am determined that every single day, I will have a new post for my loyal Googlebots and the occasional human (or human-like entity.)   

But it's Sunday evening and I'm staring a blank screen with no idea whatsoever of what I'm going to post for Monday. I suppose I could wait until Monday itself and see if something develops but I am committed (COMMITTED, DAMN IT!) to there being a post everyday and I don't want to come up short due to work or illness because you loyal Googlebots and the occasional human (or human-like entity) deserve better than that. So much better.  

So it appears I'll have to resort to something I am loathe to resort to: re-runs. Yes, I must pillage past posts to make posts in the present. Yes, it's a cop out but I have no choice! This blog must go on! (No, it mustn't. Shut up, hypothetical aside!) 

Going back to the very first day of this blog, from March 3, 2013, here's a Top 10 list. 

Top 10 Ways To Make Me Mad

  1. Asking me to pay after I say "Free Drinks for EVERYBODY!" (Look, pal, I said EVERYBODY; clearly that means I'm included.)  
  2. Being the victim of sexual & age discrimination. America's supposed to be a free country. Why can't I join the Girl Scouts? 
  3. Bothering me when I'm trying to read at the library. (OK, "library", "comic book shop"...whatever.)
  4. Denying me the right to have sex in the privacy of my own corner of the elevator.
  5. Making lots of noise when I'm trying to the Home Depot. (Seriously, not so loud with those forklifts, huh?)
  6. Someone accusing me of being drunk & I have to defend myself before I'm sober.
  7. When my butler doesn't do shit! He ain't done nothing since-uh oh…Tell me I don't have a butler (Damn it!)
  8. When someone cheats in an argument by using "facts" & "the truth". Hey, bud, I know what I know so screw you & your "facts!
  9.  When the voices in my head won't leave me alone for FIVE DAMN MINUTES! Yes, I'll kill them all after I finish my McMuffin!
  10. I actually rarely get mad about stuff. I tend to be calm &-DAMN IT, NOT NOW, I'M ON TWITTER!-reasonable. 

OK, that wasn't so bad. And hey, look! The very next day on March 4, 2013, I posted yet another Top 10 list,  

Top 10 Last Words
  1. "You FOOLS! NOTHING can STOP me NOW!"  
  2. “We’re going to live FOREVER!” 
  3. "Hey y'all, watch THIS!"    
  4. "Ticking? I don't hear any-"
  5. "Yep, just ONE more week until retirement." 
  6. “For the last fuckin’ time, yeah, I turned off the power to the-"
  7. "Who greased the goddamn viiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.....?"  (Tarzan edition)    
  8. "Woo hoo! I've never felt so alive!!!"   
  9. "Whoops!"    
  10. “Uh oh!”

You know what? If I'm not going to actually produce something new but instead just re-post previous blog entries, I should at least make it a challenge. I hereby declare this post...


Actually, I don't foresee this being much of a challenge. I mean, in the first two days of this blog back in 2013, I did two posts with Top 10 lists. I must've posted tons of these! 

So scrolling down...March 5th, March 6th, March 7th...

OK, no Top 10 lists but I'm sure something will turn up....

So that's March, let's check April. April 1st, April 2nd, April 3rd... 

All right, April was a wash out. Oh, look here! One from May 5, 2013

Top Ten Reasons Why I Can’t Sleep At Night
  1. The monsters under the bed are installing a Jacuzzi.
  2. If a gun under my pillow makes me feel safe so I can sleep, you'd think a rocket launcher would be even better but no!
  3. It's hard to sleep knowing there could be breaking news aboutJenna "Dharma" Elfman at any moment.
  4. Isn't my grandfather clock supposed to have ringing chimes on the hour instead of an air horn?
  5. Questions keep me awake: Who am I? What is the meaning of life? Would I like a nice Hawaiian punch?
  6. My wife is snoring just like a grizzly bear. Well, that's what I get for marrying a grizzly bear.
  7. I think my bedroom ceiling fan might be keeping me awake because it has a howler monkey hanging from it.
  8. My ambient sound machine produces the sound of a gentle rain, a light breeze and the Chicken Dance.
  9. My recent purchase of bed sheets made from recycled industrial sandpaper may have been a mistake.
  10. My before bedtime snack of jalapeños and Mt. Dew.


OK, I must remain committed to this bit, a Top 10 of Top 10 lists. I must! Scrolling through the rest of May. 

Now June. 

God, what is all this drivel I was writing!  

On to (yawn!) July.  

And we're up to August. Damn, this is boring! 

Hey, Peter Capaldi's the new Doctor on Doctor Who? Wow! That takes me back! 

Hell, finally! From August 19, 2013

Top Ten Things Guys Don't Say

  1. "Do these pants make me look fat?"
  2. "Yelling at the TV isn't going to make the refs change their minds about that call." 
  3. "Yes, I am ready to go shoe shopping." 
  4. "Honey, is it OK if I attend your book club meeting tonight?"  
  5. "My needs are, in fact, unimportant." 
  6. "I don't think duct tape will be of any help here at all."  
  7. "I wonder what's on the Lifetime Movie Network right now?" 
  8. "I don't know how to do that." 
  9. "Look at that young woman in the short skirt. Doesn't she get cold wearing that? She should put on some pants." 
  10. "Honey, you know what our bed needs? A new bed ruffle." 

Whew! Well, that's...what? Only FOUR Top 10 lists? FOUR?! 

Son of a bitch! 

Fine, fine! 

Scrolling through September. 

October, still looking for Top 10 list posts. 

"The Internet Is For Corn"? What the hell...?   


Hey, you know what? Enough is enough! I do most sincerely apologize to my loyal Googlebots and the occasional human (or human-like entity) but I can't keep doing this! I know I've written more blogs around a Top 10 theme but I'm not finding them right now and besides, this is forcing me to re-read my own blog! It's bad enough that my loyal Googlebots and the occasional human (or human-like entity) have to read this thing! Why do I have to?! 

So that's all I have for today. Maybe I'll be back tomorrow. Maybe. I could use a vacation from the blog. It might be good for me to take a little time off. Yeah, that would be nice. 

Oh, look! Here's my bed. Hello, bed. Bed is my friend. I'm going to sleepy time now.  

Remember to be good to one another. 

And I'm so suffering...amuses...


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