Wednesday, August 19, 2015

This (Non) Sporting Life: The Artless Dodger



Hi there! Dave-El here and welcome to another post here at I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the #1 blog read by dung beetles.

Today is an installment of a recurring feature I call "This (Non) Sporting Life". It is a post about sports written by a guy who doesn't know about sports. Today, my subject is the NFL scandal referred to as "Deflategate" and the man at the center of that controversy, New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady.

Way, way back in the mists of time when wooly mammoths ruled the cold hard lands of a frozen Earth (or about 7 months ago, give or take), the Patriots were accused to deflating their balls.  

I'll give everyone a moment to giggle over that.

Now, the deal is that footballs have to be properly inflated within specified guidelines set forth by the NFL or else there'll be trouble. What kind of trouble? Big trouble.

So stuff was done and things were checked and the NFL determined that Tom Brady done did wrong by them there balls and suspended him for 4 games in the upcoming season. Tom Brady objected and the matter is now in court.


There are court rooms where cameras are not allowed so we rely on the artistic acuity of the courtroom artist to give us a window into what is going down inside those impaneled chambers. So let's take a look at such a drawing to give us an insight into Tom Brady's mood and demeanor during the proceedings.





Sweet merciful Jesus on a pogo stick! What the hell happened to Tom Brady?!? It looks like more than just his balls are deflated. 

I'll give you yet another moment to giggle over that.

OK, maybe it might be prudent to take a look at a photograph of Tom Brady in order to make an fair assessment of this artistic effort.


























No, that's not Tom Brady. That's Carol Brady from the classic sitcom The Brady Bunch as portrayed so wonderfully by the de-lovely and delightful Florence Henderson although I'm not sure about her numbers when it comes to completed touchdown passes. 

No, here is Tom Brady.




























You know, I'm not exactly sure what the fuss is about. Let's put the drawing and the photo right next to each other.




I know! Twins, right? 

OK, OK, the drawing is a bit off. In her defense, the courtroom artist admitted she has a bit of trouble drawing good looking people.

Make note to self: if I'm ever on trial, make sure this woman is not the courtroom artist since she can't draw good looking people.




I did not say you could giggle over that.

Since the internet is filled with smartasses, the drawing of Tom Brady of the Walking Dead has been put to a variety of uses. 























I think it's important to remember a crucial function of art which is to not just us what we see on the outside but the truth of the person inside.  And I think the courtroom artist may have been more successful that we're giving her credit for. 

Below is a panel from a horror comic that was posted online by one of my Twitter followers. 




























I thought this might make a fitting cover for my autobiography. But the thoughts expressed in this piece of comic book art...









































...does go so well with the drawing of Tom Brady's head.

So here's to you, courtroom drawing person. Any photograph can show us the outer beauty of a person. But on an artist can show us the inner truth.

And that inner truth is that Tom Brady must feast once more on the blood of the innocent in order to look like his normal self.


Be good to one another.

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