Thursday, August 6, 2015

Master Debaters

Hi there! Welcome to my blog, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You. I'm Dave-El and when I scratch my nails down someone else's back, I hope you feel it. 

Over on Fox News tonight, the first Republican debate for the 2016 Presidential campaign gets underway.  Or I should say "debates". What with 18 people running for the GOP nomination (19 if we count Donald Trump's hair piece) and only so much room on stage, the prime time debate will feature the top 10 candidates who score the highest in a collection of national polls. And those 10 are: 
  1. Jeb "Tonguetripper" Bush
  2. Scott "Soulcrusher" Walker
  3. Mike "Brimstone" Huckabee
  4. Ben "The Black Guy" Carson
  5. Ted "The Whitest Latino" Cruz
  6. Marco "Polo" Rubio
  7. Rand "Not Ron" Paul
  8. Chris "Krispy Kreme" Christie
  9. John "Too Dull To Have a Nickname" Kasich
  10. Donald "Donald Trump" Trump
The rest get the kiddie table debate at 5:00 in the afternoon. Actually, it will just be 7 of the remaining 8 as recently announced candidate Jim Gilmore forgot to turn in a signed permission slip. 

So what kind of questions might these media, excuse me, candidates be expected to face?  

Over on Twitter where I can be found right here, this hashtag began trending:  

Well, here's my opportunity to be a viable part of the American political process. So here are 13 (yes, 13!) suggestions for questions I hope we get to hear at the GOP debate later tonight.  

Drum roll please! 


  1. What would you do for a Klondike bar?
  2. Would anyone like a nice Hawaiian Punch?
  3. Have you ever been mellow?
  4. Gov. Christie, would you please put your shirt back on?
  5. Who wants to give this transvaginal ultrasound thingy a try?
  6. Will someone go shoo Rick Perry away from the stage please?
  7. Batman vs. Superman: who've you got?
  8. Does anybody else hear that weird humming sound coming from Donald Trump's hair?
  9. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?
  10. How many bees would a Huckabee huck if a Huckabee hucked bees? (And speaking of Huckabee...) 
  11. Which one of you is wearing women's panties? (Everybody looks at Mike Huckabee.) 
  12. Does anybody have change for a twenty?
  13. You guys, you're just fucking with us, right?

Later after this spectacle of inanity is over, we get the final episode of The Daily Show hosted by Jon Stewart. The political thing is potentially going to be very funny and the comedy show is potentially going to be very sad. I don't know what to think anymore. 

I'll have more on that in tomorrow's blog post. 

Until then, be good to one another. And do not put your fingers near Donald Trump's hair; it bites! 

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