Why I Can't Sleep At Night

And now, I’m So Glad My Suffering Amuses You presents…

Top Ten Reasons Why I Can’t Sleep At Night

 #10: The monsters under the bed are installing a Jacuzzi.

#9:    If a gun under my pillow makes me feel safe so I can sleep, you'd think a rocket launcher would be even better but no!

#8:    It's hard to sleep knowing there could be breaking news about Jenna "Dharma" Elfman at any moment.

#7:   Isn't my grandfather clock supposed to have ringing chimes on the hour instead of an air horn?

#6:   Questions keep me awake: Who am I? What is the meaning of life? Would I like a nice Hawaiian punch?

#5:   My wife is snoring just like a grizzly bear. Well, that's what I get for marrying a grizzly bear.

#4:   I think my bedroom ceiling fan might be keeping me awake because it has a howler monkey hanging from it.

#3:   My ambient sound machine produces the sound of a gentle rain, a light breeze and the Chicken Dance.

#2:    My recent purchase of bed sheets made from recycled industrial sandpaper may have been a mistake.

And the #1 reason why I can’t sleep at night:  My before bedtime snack is jalapeños and Mt. Dew.

Thank you!

More to come...tomorrow!