As I've mentioned before, delivering high quality entertainment and intelligent, thoughtful insight is the mission of this blog. And as the evidence of this blog clearly shows, "high quality entertainment and intelligent, thoughtful insight" are just TWO of the things this blog is missing* and so the mission
*The other thing missing: actual readers. Who the hell AM I talking to?
Still, producing this blog doesn't come cheap. I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You requires financial backing through a strong and viable commercial sponsor.
Instead we've been doing business with American Glory.
As you have seen in And Now A Word From Our Sponsor#1-#5, American Glory is an insurance company that will insure any crazy ass thing or insure against any kind of funky shit for as little as $5.00 a month. Now they may have been weird and a little crazy but at least their checks didn't bounce.
But then: scandal. The last spot was for American Glory's "Meddling Kids Malpractice" policy and it featured these two characters:
**"Zoinks, man! We're not, like, gay or something!" "Rot there's ranythring wrong with thrat!"
Oddly enough, American Glory does offer a "Cartoon Character Lawsuit Protection" policy but it appears American Glory failed to send in the required $5.00 to itself and well....
Until this is all sorted out, American Glory has suspended further advertising. And while I wish them well in resolving this mess, that don't pay the bulldog as it were. So I have secured a new sponsor.
I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You presents the first text commercial from Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium.
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Hey there, partners!
Are you in the market for a van?
Does it need to be plain?
Does it need to be white?
Does it need to be unmarked?
Well, I'm Dwayne DeFontaine & I'm telling you to come on down to the Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium!!!
We've got hundreds and hundreds of vans in stock, the ultimate utility vehicle for almost any business need!
Are you a semi-literate, weed smoking high school drop out who knocked up his girlfriend when she was 16 and you've been barely getting by on a variety of mimimum wage jobs and now decided to become your own boss by being a house painter?
Man, you've messed up your life bad and this house painting thing ain't going nowhere. But until you figure that out, you're gonna need a van!
Bad credit? WE DON'T CARE! We're gonna put you in the plain white unmarked van of your choice!
Are you a foreign national spying against the good people of the US of A to undermine the freedom and power of democracy and a free market economy?
Well, I hope Uncle Sam catches your ass, charges you with treason and throws you in front of a firing squad. But until the Feds catch up with your anti-American tail, you're gonna need a van!
And if you're on our side, well, God Bless America and you've earned a special "Domestic Spying" 10% discount off the list price!
No credit? WE DON'T CARE! At Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium, you will never walk away; you will DRIVE away in a new or recently foreclosed-on van!
Are you transporting illegal aliens across the border from Mexico in violation of the laws of these United States of America, bringing unlawful immigrants who are taking landscaping and chicken processing jobs from true Americans?
You are a traitor to American ideals and you profit on the ignorance and desperation of Mexicans looking to get the hell out of Mexico! Immigration will catch you and throw you into a deep, dark prison hole! But until then, you're gonna need a van!
Are you an illegal Mexican immigrant? No se escapará el largo brazo de la ley por mucho tiempo. Pero hasta ese día, vas a necesitar una furgoneta!
Are you a serial killer who haunts the back roads looking for innocent victims to play out your sick, perverted fantasies in an orgy of rape, torture and murder? If so, buddy, you're going to HELL where a thousand torments await your blackened soul to be punished for all eternity for your twisted, evil deeds! But until then, you're gonna need a van!
You wanna make a trade with an old van that's seen better days and is caked with mud, excrement and possibly human blood? WE DON'T CARE! At Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium, we will make any deal with anybody to move these plain white unmarked vans off our lot because we have more coming in! So we're ready to make a deal, any deal, to get you the plain white unmarked van of your dreams!
So this is Dwayne DeFontaine inviting you to come on down to Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium, off the service road 3 miles east of the Business I-97/Old Mill Road interchange, right across from the Hardee's.
At Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium, we'll treat you right! What happens afterwards is your damn filthy business!
Remember: That's Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium! We're opened until 9 PM Monday thru Saturday! We're not open Sunday! What the hell is wrong with you? Get your ass in church! But the rest of the week, whatever God forsaken, America corrupting, life destroying thing you need to do, you're gonna need a van! Come see us at Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium!
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What.
The.
Hell?
Oooo-kay. This is weird but...
A-hem!
Thanks to our new sponsor, Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium! Mention this blog and on the purchase of your new van, they'll give you for free your choice of, uh, shag carpetting or tool bench (Really?) installed in your new plain white unmarked van.
Well, thanks for joining us today. Please (PLEASE!) come back tomorrow as we present something...else.
I need a shower.
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Remember, Dave-El can still be followed on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/DayWayLo My posts on Twitter are sponsored by the Summer's Eve Family of Products. Today, the spotlight falls on Summer's Eve Family Taco Dinner Kit. Give mom a break and show her you're thinking of her by making tacos for dinner. And nothing makes tacos better than Summer's Eve.
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