Friday, May 24, 2013

Broken News#1 (May 24, 2013)

Well, where the HELL have I been?
 
I mean, I make PROMISES that I will be here EVERY DAY and then I just DON'T SHOW UP?? Really, man, that is so fucked up! How could I (choke!) DO THIS TO ME? It's...it's like I don't know who I am anymore! I...I can't be here with me right now. I think I and I need some time apart. I just need ... some time, OK?
 
...
 
Did I just break up with myself?
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Dave-El here! Hello and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that asks the question, "Seriously, where have I been?"
 
Well, believe it or not...right here!
 
Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday were rough! Extra long days at work meant my brain was not only fried but deep fried and covered in cheese.
 
Still, I tried to create, really I did. After last week's post of Long Live the Legion, I was inspired to do a post on a certain issue of Superboy & the Legion of Super Heroes and the impact of that issue on my development as a comic book reader. And it was going to be awesome and geeky and (approximately) funny with not just graphics but manipulated pictures for comedic effect.
 
I hate Blogger.
 
Now Blogger is the forum that has given a home to this most excellent of blogs, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, and it's free! But the saying is you get what you pay for. Maybe it's just me and my appalling lack of computer skills but posting pictures to a blog on Blogger is a headache.
 
Oh, I'm OK when it's just one photo (like the one I was adding to my Doctor Who reviews) but if I wanted to add more than one, then chaos erupts. Some pictures will  allow for size changes and others do not. Some pictures would just wander off like this was Hogwarts Castle; a picture placed below the 3rd paragraph in the draft would be in the middle of the 2nd paragraph in the preview.
 
It also didn't help that in addition to working on my magnum opus (Magnum Opus: a private detective penguin in Hawaii) about the Legion, I noticed that my 100th blog post was coming up and I started to do something about that.
 
The upshot I was here in this blog creating things...but nothing to show for it. So I feel bad that I have not kept my promise to provide content on a daily basis. So bad that I feel I must apologize to my readers individually. So please, let me do this.
 
Karen: I'm sorry.
Dave-El: I'm sorry.
 
Thank you for indulging me while I took care of that. I feel a bit better and ready to move on.
 
And yes, I count MYSELF among my readers. DON'T JUDGE ME!
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So it's Friday night which means its (drum roll please!) BBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLPPPP!
 
WACKY NEWS HEADLINE FUN TIME!
 
Normally this feature has been called #HuffPostHop but I decided a change was in order. Why?
 
1) I wanted to remove the self-imposed rule that I would only use the Huffington Post. I mean, they write the best headlines (which is why they are such fodder for comedy) but I can pick other mockable headlines from CNN or NBC. Why not Fox News? Because my task here is to make headlines funny. Fox takes care of that already.
 
2) I'm tired of posting "#HuffPostHop is where we HOP around the Huffington Post for headlines to make fun off." If I have to explain it every damn week, well, something needs to go.


 
3) I called my humorous headline feature #HuffPostHop to draw the attention of Arianna Huffington. She would sue me for misuse of her Huffington Post brand which would, of course, draw attention to my blog. But she would take me aside and admit that my daring use of her trademark was arousing and then in her smoky indecipherable indeterminate European accent, she would growl, "Take me! Take me now!" (I think.) Then madly grasping at each other in a wild frenzy of burning passion, we fall to what I am sure would be her silk covered bed.
 
And then I would have something to write about on my blog besides comic books, Doctor Who and bad jokes at the expense of news headlines. But sometimes...ah, sometimes, you just have to let your dream go, fly off into the blue sky where maybe it will alight with someone else who can perhaps make it come true.
 
Let's do headlines.
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So. The new title for this comedic spin on the headlines thingy is now..Broken News. Others offer breaking news; we break it some more.
 
Broken News #1 begins in 5...4...3...2....
 
Government Admits Killing 4 Americans” They were trying to kill 10; well, that’s government incompetence for you.
 
Weiner Talks Comeback Bid” Weiner’s flaccid hopes rise to stand erect against stiff…I think I just lost the will to live
 
Boehner: Scandals Expose Obama Administration's 'Arrogance Of Power'” You know Boehner's  just dying to use the word “uppity”.
 
GOP Rep Blames Reagan For Helping Obama Get Elected” Reagan helped get a young Barack Obama a part in Hellcats of the Navy II: Electric Boogaloo.
 
Farm State Senator Defends 'Monsanto Protection Act'” Monsanto is just too big & must be sto-
*(BONK!)* ALL HAIL MONSANTO!

File:Monsanto logo.svg
 
Major Stock Collapse Is A Serious Warning For U.S.” Could be 2008 all over again unless we--*(BONK!)*
ALL HAIL MONSANTO!

File:Monsanto logo.svg
 
U.S. Drone Guidelines Could Reduce 'Signature Strikes'” Drone use needs to  *(BONK!)*
ALL HAIL MONSAN-Dammit, stop bonking me!
 
"Part of plane’s wing falls from sky, lands on home” I’m no aviation expert but I don’t think they’re supposed to do that.
 
Why You Should Have Sex With A Friend” All right I guess but I can’t help thinking poker nights with the guys could get to be pretty awkward!
 
10 Things You May Not Know About Vaginas” 10 things? Only 10? Oh, I’m sure the list is a lot longer than that.
 
Amanda Bynes freed; says bong was 'a vase'” That the flowers in the vase could be rolled & smoked was just a coincidence.


 
Critics gang up to hate 'Hangover Part III'” Well, there goes its Oscar chances!
 
This has been ! Others break the news, we break it some more! Brought to you by ! What do you need? You need !
 
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OK, that's enough for this blog post. This has I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You #99. Coming next time: The big ol' 100th post!

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Meanwhile, on Twitter, Dave-El has made 5,263 Tweets but only 1% of those Tweets have been acknowledge (mostly with comments like "Please stop that!" and "Who the fuck are you?") See what all the fuss is about. Dave-El on Twitter can be found at https://twitter.com/DayWayLo.



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