Mystery Planet! A SciFi Tale Told in Tweets

Hi!

Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You. Good to have you drop by this Saturday, the 4th day of----uh oh.

(Sigh. OK, let me get this over with.)

May the 4th be with you.
              Happy Star Wars Day!

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Last Saturday, #ThingsThatIrritateMe was trending on Twitter. Most Tweets were about stuff that irritates most people: long lines, traffic jams, snoring, retail packaging..that sort of thing. A few were weird in the "bananas irritate me" kind of way.

I went in a different direction.

Collected in one place for the first time, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You is proud to present a sci-fi tale told in Tweets. A tale I like to call....

MYSTERY PLANET!

(Oh, there's a brand new bonus feature after the story.)

OK, let's try this again. Ahem.


MYSTERY PLANET!
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#ThingsThatIrritateMe Having to survey an uncharted planet of a Saturday. Saturday, dammit!

 

#ThingsThatIrritateMe That damn Space Council can't wait a couple of days to survey this rock! I bet they still get their Saturdays off!

 

#ThingsThatIrritateMe Oh hell! The atmosphere's nitrogen content is on the high side! Damn, that's going to trigger my Venusian Ass Rash!

 

#ThingsThatIrritateMe Venusian Ass Rash! What the hell was I doing screwing a Venusian hooker when she was missing her 8th tentacle?

 

(At this point, one of my followers was actually paying attention and decided to pop into my narrative.)

 

Brian W. Jackson‏@brianwjackson27 Apr

@DayWayLo long range scanners have detected an object heading your way at incredible speed.

 

@brianwjackson #ThingsThatIrritateMe Better not be trouble! Survey ships have piss-ass weapons! Cheap bastards at the Space Council!

 

(Our story resumes but I bring in Brian's "plot point" later.)

 

#ThingsThatIrritateMe Best get this bucket down &...Oh, hell! Ship shaking badly! Librium Nacels out of sync again? Stupid space mechanics!

 

#ThingsThatIrritateMe is th-this wh-wh-what it f-feels like in cui-cuisinart? Why can't I have a nice ship like..well, like that one...

 

#ThingsThatIrritateMe Could be that object Jackson Relay 7 signaled about! Of course they're ahead of me now.They're not flying a piece of sh

 

#ThingsThatIrritateMe Let me get down, get some surveys and...reverse thrusters not fully functional...well, isn't THAT just perfect!

 

#ThingsThatIrritateMe Crashing..deploy safety field..(KER-RASH!) Ouch!No! Ouch! Safety! Ouch! Field! Ouch! (KRUNK!) Please let me be dead.

 

#ThingsThatIrritateMe Freakin' wonderful. Ship's totalled, stuck on an alien planet! This Saturday SUCKS! It can't get any worse! (BZZZT!)

 

#ThingsThatIrritateMe Oh, hell no! Aliens from that other ship shooting at me? Hey, guys, I don't even want to be here so back off, OK?

 

#ThingsThatIrritateMe Translator doesn't work. Really? I will keel over dead from THAT surprise. I give up! Hey, alien dudes, kill me now!

 

#ThingsThatIrritateMe Of course, they have a better ship AND a better translator. NOT going to kill me? Well, normally that's good news.

 

#ThingsThatIrritateMe Anal probing. Yes, I see. Should've seen that coming. Well, see if I ever come in to work on a Saturday again!

 

----The End---- 

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Blog Bonus Features:

Behind the Scenes of the Secrets of the Making of

Mystery Planet!

 

 Hello, I'm Dave-El, here to take you on a journey through the creation of this remarkable work of ingenious imagination. I've managed (with a great deal of difficulty, I might add) to secure direct and exclusive access to this project's creative and talented creator, myself.

 

Dave-El: I was just bored, man. I had a lot of things to do that I really didn't want to do, you know what I mean? So I went on Twitter and really didn't see anything going on. Then I saw that #ThingsThatIrritateMe was trending. And I thought, I bet I could do something with that.

 

So Dave-El readied himself for this new challenge this inventive genius had set for himself.

 

Dave-El: So after I checked out a couple of my favorite porn sites, I came back to Twitter and I said, "Hey! That hashtag thing's still going on? Yeah, let me do something with that."

 

This is when Dave-El dug deep inside himself for inspiration, drawing on his powerful and unique hopes and fears and passions.

 

Dave-El: Yeah, so I hate working on Saturdays, right? Oh, space stuff! I really dig space stuff.

 

So Dave-El began a journey with no idea how it would end as he Tweeted the plight of an ordinary everyman trapped on a mission he didn't want with technology that betrays him at every turn. A commentary of how modern man is trapped in a society he doesn't understand and can't control.

 

Dave-El: Funny stuff, man! I mean, none of his shit worked! None of it! Oh, man, the scene with the ship crashing? "Please let me be dead." Like I said, funny stuff.

 

The unfolding of Dave-El's ground-breaking masterpiece did not go unnoticed.

 

Brian: Yeah, I thought it was kinda funny. Space guy hates coming in on Saturday. I decided to pop in with a little bit of my own. But I didn't know he would keep going with it. And going. And going. Dude, get a life or something.

 

Rebkah: He's sort of weird, isn't he? We started following each other during the last election but now that's over. I really don't get all the comic book and Doctor Who stuff....what was the question again?

 

Karen: I think Dave-El is so...so inspiring, so gifted, such a bright and clever little boy who...what? He's how OLD? Oh, that man needs help.

 

Gail: Remind Dave-El the restraining order is still in effect.

 

And so Dave-El bravely and impressively posted Tweet after Tweet until he had finished, a tale of a man who struggles against the machinations of a society that threaten to crush him, destroy his spirit.

 

Dave-El: Anal probing. Heh. That's funny.

 

I want to thank Dave-El for speaking with me, Dave-El, for this special feature that is now quite likely longer than the story itself.

 

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OK, one last thing:

Today is Christmas for Nerds. Today is...

 

 

Do you know what this means?

 

FREE COMIC BOOKS! (Duh.)

 

I'll be heading to Acme Comics, the best LCS in the world, later today. It's always a party!
OK, one more one last thing:
 

 

I'm also going to see Iron Man 3 today. Hearing it's awesome! Can't wait!

 

 

 

All right, really, this is the LAST one last thing:

And finally it's NEW Doctor Who Day! 

 

 

What a great day this is going to be!

...

...

...

I wonder where it will go horribly, horribly wrong?

 

Later!

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Dave-El (but not the other Dave-El, just one) can be found on Twitter at https://twitter.com/DayWayLo