Monday, May 13, 2013

The Lost DRAGNET Episode

And now, a scene from a previously lost episode of Dragnet starring Jack Webb as Joe Friday, Harry Morgan as Bill Gannon and special guest star Francis Bavier. ______________________________________________
The story you're about to hear is true. Only the names have been changed. For example, "Los Angeles police detective Bill Gannon" is really "Las Vegas exotic dancer Barbara L'Enchante".
Joe Friday (narrating): It was Thursday afternoon at the Los Angeles Police Headquarters. It had been a slow day. I was catching up on some paperwork while my partner, Bill Gannon, was on the phone, something by chiffon with sequins. It was about this time that the call came in. Bill and I were to head to a nearby neighborhood to check into a bizarre case of robbery and vandalism. 
Friday: "C'mon, Bill. We have a case to investigate."
Bill Gannon: "Can it wait just a minute, Joe? I've almost done placing this order for a cocktail dress and fishnet tights."
Friday: "Bill, while we are still on the clock, our only duty is the citizens whose taxes pay our salary."
Gannon: "Well, Joe, when you're right, you're right."
Friday: "It's not about whether I'm right. It's about the right of Los Angeles' hard working citizens to the best police work we can offer."
Gannon: "All right, all right! I'm coming!"
Friday (narrating): "Momentarily, Gannon and I arrived at the house on a tree lined street. There we met a woman who had witnessed the theft and the vandalism."

Gannon: "So you saw the theft of your neighbor's prized pink flamingo collection?"
 Witness: "Oh, yes. What a horrible thing to do! Those were very beautiful flamingos."
Friday: "I'm sure they were quite fetching. And this person also defaced your neighbor's tool shed."
Witness: "Yes, I did! And it was a most distressful thing to witness."
Friday: “Ma’am, could you describe the suspect?”
Witness: “He was tall.”

Friday: “Tall?”

Witness: “Yes, tall.”

Friday: “How tall?”

Witness: “Very tall.”

Gannon: “Could you be a little more precise, ma’am?”

Witness: “Oh, I’d say 7 feet.”

Friday: “Seven feet?”

Witness: “Yes, that sounds about right.”

Gannon: “Seven feet tall?”

Witness: “Well, he may be shorter without the horns.”

Friday: “Horns?”

Witness: “Yes, horns. On his head.”

Gannon: “On his head, Joe.”

Friday: “I heard that, Bill. Ma’am?”

Witness: “Yes?”

Friday: “Anything else you can tell us about the suspect?”

Witness: “Other than the horns?”

Friday: “Other than the horns.”

Witness: “Well, not really.”

Gannon: “Uh huh.”

Witness: “Well, now that I think about it..."

Friday: “Yes, ma'am?”
Witness: “Well, he had the red skin.”

Friday: “Red skin.”

Witness: “And...and hooved feet.”

Friday: “Hooved feet.”

Witness: “Oh, yes, and a forked tail.”

Friday: “A tail.”

Gannon: “A forked tail, Joe.”

Friday: “Got that, Bill.”

Witness: “And glowing eyes.”

Friday: “Uh huh.”

Witness: “And he smelled funny, too.”

Gannon: “How did he smell?”

Witness: “Like sulfur? Yes, brimstone.”

Gannon: “Brimstone.”

Witness: “Yes, brimstone.”

Friday: “Ma’am?”

Witness: “Yes?”

Friday: “You just described Satan.”

Witness: “Satan?”

Friday: “Yes, ma’am.”

Witness: “Why, I suppose so. Never thought about it until now.”
Gannon: "Well, that might explain the 'Satan Rules' graffiti on the took shed."
Witness: "Oh dear! I didn't realize..."

Gannon: “Joe?”

Friday: “Yeah, Bill?”

Gannon: “Think we should let the uniforms handle this?”

Friday:1-Adam-12 patrols this neighborhood.”

Gannon: “Thank you, ma’am.”

Witness: “Anything I can do to help.”

Friday: “Yes, ma’am.”

Witness: “I do hope you catch him. And soon.”

Gannon: “Because he’s Satan?”

Witness: “Well, yes, and one other thing.”

Friday: “One other thing?”

Witness: “Yes, he wasn’t wearing any pants.”
Later, Satan was arrested and charged with littering, public indecency, theft, vandalism and shoplifting. He was tried in Los Angeles Criminal Court and sentenced to 150 hours community service.
Las Vegas exotic dancer Barbara L'Enchante performs nightly at the Sands with two shows on Saturday.
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