Dave-El bidding your warm welcome to my humble blog, a blog I call I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You.
I am grateful for this forum. It gives me a chance to express my deepest, most personal thoughts, like this one:
"I like pie."
See? There's something you now know about me. It's a small step towards making a connection with someone out there in the big, wide world. But of course, if this connection is going to grow and develop further, I need to expose some more of my inner self to you. And I didn't start this blog to be shy so let me lay some more of my thoughts on you:
"I like milk with my pie."
WHOA!! Rein it in, big guy. Controversial statements like that could cause a whole bunch of trouble I don't need or want. Milk with pie?!?! That's crazy talk!
You know what else is crazy? The deals you can make down at Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium.*
*That little squeaking sound was the last tattered remnant of my soul, withering and dying.
Yep, delivering the high minded and sophisticated discourse this blog
So please take a moment to peruse the latest text ad from our sponsor, Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium.*
*God knows why but here's a link to a Previous commercial from Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium
Hi there, folks! This here's Dwayne DeFontaine at the Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium! And I'm telling you, there's no better time to buy a van. Does your van need to be plain? White? Unmarked? Then we're going to make you a deal here at Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium!!!
Are you a hard-drinking, woman chasing bad ass who believes in keeping it real while you spend your days as a drywall installation contractor even though you can't spell "contractor". Or "installation". Or "drywall."
Buddy, your life's in the toilet and you're too drunk and/or stupid to realize that and you also don't know that the drywall you're carrying around contains weaponized asbestos from the 1970's that's slowly turning your lungs into cardboard. But until you finally wake up and realize how much you have wasted your life, you're gonna need a van!
At Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium, we're committed to giving you the best deal we can on the non-descript van of your choice.
Are you a devious, shifty eyed punk looking to engage in illegal activities such as breaking and entering and theft? Do you need a mobile base of operations from which you carry out your criminal acts, getting past locks and subverting security systems while taking the hard won gains of honest folks?
Son, one day you'll mess up...you WILL mess up!...and the authorities are gonna make you pay for stealing other people's stuff by stealing about 20 to 30 years of your life behind the bars of a cold, grey prison where you'll become the bitch of a con named Bubba Sue! But until that day comes, you're gonna need a van!
At Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium, we make the best deal to suit your budget. Hell, we'll barter for chickens! That's how crazy we are to get you behind the wheel of a featureless motor vehicle!
Are you a social deviant whose name is on a sex offenders list and you're sneaking around a neighborhood like a furtive rat, trying to avoid the accusing stares of your neighbors while you struggle with the unclean thoughts of what you do to women and children?
You sick son of a bitch! One day the neighborhood watch is gonna watch you for the last time as they string you up from a tree, cut off your genitals, feed them to you as your last meal and then set you on fire! But until that day when good men stand up and deliver your much deserved punishment, you're gonna need a van!
At Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium, we get don't mess around. You come on the lot looking for a plain, white, unmarked van, we'll find away to get you in a van and off our lot as soon as possible because, quite frankly, you make us sick! But even so, you're gonna need a van!
And Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium has a lot of vans to choose from. So pick one, give us money (or some chickens!) and get the hell off our lot! You've got a van now; we don't want no part of your damn filthy business!
So this is Dwayne DeFontaine inviting you to come on down to Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium, off the service road 3 miles east of the Business I-97/Old Mill Road interchange, right across from Casa de Mamá María de Cien Enchiladas, formerly Hardee's.
Remember: That's Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium! We're opened until 9 PM Monday thru Saturday! We're not open Sunday because, dammit, you really need to be in church! But the rest of the week, for whatever life wasting, law breaking, Satan inspired thing you need to do, you're gonna need a van!
So come see us at Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium!
Well, that was...a thing.
OK, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You thanks Dwayne DeFontaine and Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium for their sponsorship of this blog. And while we appreciate the offer of a free, formerly used plain white unmarked van, it's just not...our style. I hope you understand.
I'll send over some chicken.
Thanks for coming by and sticking around for our sponsor's commercial. Tomorrow, I have no idea what's happening on the blog but on Friday, more Broken News and Saturday will be a new Doctor Who related post. And the long awaited Legion of Super Heroes post is coming. Eventually.
Dave-El's Twitter is sponsored by Blurmph! When you hear a cat hacking up a hairball which reminds you its time to have your tires rotated because you're going on the road trip with your younger brother who still smells like oregano for some reason to go buy a life-sized replica of Neil Diamond made entirely from old chewing gum, think Blurmph!