Hello, everyone! Dave-El here and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, now fortified with extra calcium for strong bones and teeth.
Last week was the last new episode of Doctor Who until the anniversary special so in lieu of episode reviews, I will post...well, other stuff...for example, what I have for you today, a NEW installment of Untold Tales of Doctor Who, the first one I've done in over two months (see See Untold Tales of Doctor Who#1)
Today's installment crosses over those two venerable sci-fi powerhouses, Doctor Who and Star Trek. It is a goofy little trifle inspired by a certain photo you'll see about half way through this tale. And yeah, this idea has been done before (and probably better) but I'm just having a little fun here.
So here we go with Dave-El's.....
The Doctor Meets Captain Kirk
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Scene opens: the TARDIS console room as the 10th Doctor makes adjustments and Rose scrolls through data on a monitor.
Doctor: So, Rose, has the TARDIS database provided any inspiration where...or when...we should go next?
Rose: It's so overwhelming, all these choices. Still, after that mess with the Ood and the Beast, I think I can narrow down our search towards a...little...rest and relaxation.
Doctor: (leans against the console with a blissful smile) Ah, rest and relaxation. (Then he makes a face) Nyah! C'mon, Rose! Find some place exciting.
Rose: How about this place? Dahlforius Six seems interesting.
Doctor: Oh! Oh! Yes, Rose, I haven't been to Dahlforius Six in...in...centuries! Lots of fun stuff to do!
Rose: "Fun stuff", Doctor?
Doctor (pulls back a bit on his excitement): I can do fun stuff if I want to.
Rose (looking back at the read out): What are Vapor Jet Falls?
Doctor: Oh, what a rush, Rose! It is the most amazing ride! (pauses a second) Well, you just have to watch out for the odd mountain.
Rose: Odd mountain?
Doctor: There's this mountain that's quite...odd. Has some kind of personality disorder.
Rose: Doctor, how can a mountain..?
Suddenly the TARDIS lurches sideways as the time rotor slows down.
Rose and the Doctor (standing wobbily before falling to the floor): Whooaaaa!
Rose (slowly picking herself up off the floor): What was that, Doctor?
Doctor (springing to his feet and lunging towards the TARDIS console): Not sure. Finding out. It's OK, everything's going to be just fine.
Rose: I'm fine, Doctor. Don't worry about (she stops when she realizes the Doctor was talking to the TARDIS as he strokes the console) ...okay.
Doctor (still talking to the TARDIS): C'mon, old girl, what's got you in such a tizzy? Oh, there's the trouble.
Rose: What is it?
Doctor: Appears we're in the wake of a passing spaceship travelling at warp speed. Oh, warp speed? How quaint. Unfortunately, the TARDIS's temporal phase harmonics were out of sync with the bisecting warp field differential resulting in a spatial temporal incursion...
Rose: Doctor, can you put all that in English, please?
The Doctor turns to Rose as if to speak, then pauses for a moment's thought.
Doctor: Ah, no. No, I can't. Sorry. Anyway, it won't take long to get the TARDIS in proper working order but we will need to land for a few minutes. I can coax a short hop out of her.
Rose: Where're we going to land?
Doctor: Oh, I was thinking about...borrowing a lift from that passing spaceship. Well, they...whoever they are...caused all this trouble. It seems only fair.
Rose: We could be heading for more trouble.
Doctor (grinning broadly): Rose, we're always heading for more trouble. Still, a few minutes rest and we'll be on our way. I'll make sure to materialize somewhere inconspicuous.
As the TARDIS dematerializes where it was floating in space, the scene shifts ahead to catch up with the spaceship.
The ship...is the Starship Enterprise, model 1701, flagship of the Federation. And our point of view passes through the top of the ship and on to the bridge. Captain Kirk is signing off on a computer pad as Scotty enters the bridge.
Scotty: Aye, Captain, that strange disruption in the warp field has gone away.
Kirk: Thank you, Mister Scott. Mister Spock! Analysis!
Spock: There is very little to give, Captain. The sensors detected a faint pulse of energy that I did not recognize. Whatever it was, it has vanished completely from our sensors.
Kirk: So maybe we just a hit a pebble in the road.
Spock: A pebble in the...
Kirk: Never mind, Spock. Mr. Sulu, steady as she goes, warp factor 2.
Sulu: Yes, Captain, warp factor two.
Kirk: Uhura, send a message to...Starfleet Command that the Enterprise is.....
Spock: Captain! The sensors are reading that unknown energy again. It's a stronger reading this time. And (Spock looks up from his station) it is heading for the Enterprise!
Kirk: Mister Sulu, screen on.
Sulu: Screen on, sir.
Kirk: Spock, can we...lock in coordinates, get a visual on this energy?
Spock: Captain, I surmise that...
Uhura: Captain, what is that strange noise?
Kirk: That...noise! Coming from everywhere...and nowhere. I've...never heard anything like it.
Spock: Captain, it seems the source of the energy..
Uhura: Captain Kirk! Look!
By the ship's flight console, the bridge crew sees a shimmering of color and light, feel a wind that is not entirely made of air and the growing sound that defies their ability to describe it. The shimmering becomes a shape and the noise suddenly ends with a loud "thunk".
Spock: The source of the energy has come here.
On the bridge of the Starship Enterprise, there now stood a quaintly designed blue box.
Sulu: "Police Box"? What's that?
Kirk (turning towards Spock): Analysis?
Spock (arching an eyebrow): Your guess is, as they say on Earth, as good as mine.
And inside the blue box, the TARDIS, the Doctor runs both his hands through his unruly hair while looking at the monitor showing the Enterprise bridge crew as Rose smirks, her back to the monitor.
Rose: Somewhere...inconspicuous, you said.
Doctor: Yeah, well, you know.
Rose: So, this is the part where I say, "What now, Doctor?"
Doctor: Well, the TARDIS still needs a little more time to finish recalibrating. And since I'm not familiar with this culture and I have no idea what their weaponry is...
Rose: You're going to talk to them.
Doctor (throwing on his long coat over his suit): I'm going to talk to them. The TARDIS only needs a few minutes more but there's no telling what kind of trouble they might cause out there in that time unless someone comes out and says "Hello". Rose, stay here. (The Doctor exits.)
Rose: Yeah, like that'll happen. Let me grab my jacket and...(Rose looks at the monitor and sees the bridge crew for the first time.) They look familiar. Wait a minute! (Rose eyes go wide.) No way!
Meanwhile outside the TARDIS, the Doctor slips through the front door and is immediately greeted by Starfleet officers aiming phasers at him.
Doctor (grinning widely): Oh, hello!
Kirk: Who are...
Doctor (immediately starts roaming around the bridge): Wow! What a spaceship you've got here! Lots of lights and colors! Gleaming metal!
Kirk: Will you...
Doctor: Very sleek! Now this is a proper spaceship! Oh, some of the relics I've been on lately...
Kirk (very forcefully): WHO are you and WHAT are you doing on MY starship?
Doctor (stops, drops the grin): Oooh, sorry. I tend to gab a bit. I'm the Doctor.
Kirk: Doctor who?
Doctor (grinning again): Just the Doctor. (Pulls out psychic paper) You will see my credentials are in order.
Sulu: Captain, he's with the Senior Admiral's office!
Spock: No, Mr. Sulu, he is not.
Uhura: But we can see his identification...
Spock: Our visitor is holding a piece of paper with psychic attributes somehow imbedded in...
Rose (comes out of the TARDIS, excited, looks wide eyed at Spock): It IS you!
Kirk: And who...is this?
Doctor: Er, Rose. Rose Tyler. Sorry. Rose, I said to stay...
Rose (pointing at Spock): But that's Spock!
Doctor (puzzled): What? Who?
Rose: Yes, that's Spock and that's Uhura and Scotty and Sulu. And the Captain of the Startship Enterprise, James T Kirk.
Kirk: How do you know who...we are?
Doctor (equally incredulous): Yes, that's what I like to know. We just got here.
Rose (exasperated with the Doctor): They're from the TV show, Star Trek. Mickey and I used to watch it all the time when were kids.
Scotty: TV show? What pray tell are you talking about, lassie!
Sulu: Could this be a Romulan plot?
Spock: Not very likely, Mr. Sulu.
Doctor: This is NOT a television program, Rose.
Rose (rolling her eyes): Of course not, Doctor. No cameras, no studio lights. But still...
Kirk: Doctor, I want some straight answers and...I want them now.
Doctor: A most sensible suggestion, Captain...?
Rose: Kirk.
Doctor: Yes, Kirk! Well, Captain Kirk, we're just travelers and our vessel, my TARDIS, was damaged when....wait! (looks back at Rose) Did I just say Captain Kirk?
Rose: Yeah!
Doctor: Wow! Rose, you were right! They are...
Kirk: Doctor?!
Doctor: Yes, right, straight answers. Well...Captain Kirk...we're just travelers and.... (The Doctor suddenly moves forward and shakes Kirk's hand) Oh, I must say what a thrill and an honor to meet-
Suddenly the TARDIS makes a quick VWORP noise and the light on top starts to flash.
Rose: Um, Doctor?
Doctor: Oh good! The TARDIS has finished recalibrating! Sorry for barging in like this. We'll just run along and I'll have this off your carpeting...ooh, a starship with carpeting...
Rose (smiling brightly and waving): Bye. It was fantastic meeting you for real. Oh, Mr. Spock?
Spock: Yes?
Rose (gives the Vulcan salute): Live long and prosper!
Spock gives the salute back, with a nod. Rose smiles and winks, then goes inside the TARDIS, leaving Spock arching a bemused eyebrow.
Doctor: Yeah, what she said. Alon-zy! (And he ducks inside the TARDIS which begins to dematerialize, then vanishes.)
Kirk: What...what is...going on here, Spock?
Spock: Inconclusive. But I estimate the probability at 92% that the Doctor and Rose were in fact who they said they were: merely a pair of travelers who were temporarily sidetracked to our ship. And quite probably, they were also...
Scotty: Bonkers?
Uhura: Mad?
Sulu: Off their rockers?
Spock: I believe the human idiom that comes closest to fairly and accurately describing their mental state would be..koo-koo.
Kirk: Koo-koo, Mister Spock?
Spock: It is the most logical assessment I can make
Uhura: Do you wish me to send word to Starfleet Command about-
Kirk: No, I...don't think so.
Spock: Captain, I am fascinated by their assertion that the Doctor and Rose recognized us from a fictional entertainment program.
Kirk: I...would not worry about that, Spock. As you say...koo-koo. In fact, I think...it might be best if we ...don't...mention this again.
Whole bridge crew murmurs their ascent.
Spock: A pebble in the road, Captain?
Kirk: Yes, Mr. Spock. Just a pebble in the road. Full ahead, Mr. Sulu; warp factor three.
Inside the TARDIS.
Rose: Doctor, how can there really be a Captain Kirk and an Enterprise and a Mister Spock in real life when they're just fictional characters on a TV show?
Doctor: Well, quantum variations in temporal mechanics in parallel to...
Rose: Just say you don't know.
Doctor (lowers voice as if embarrassed): I don't know.
Rose: Doctor, I was wondering: is it possible that somewhere our lives are just a TV show?
Doctor: What? A TV show about a daft old man in a box travelling randomly through time and space with a young female companion while always getting into trouble? (The Doctor pauses a moment. Then...) Nyah! Who would want to watch that?
Voice over: Annnnd..cut!
Scene shifts to a man with a head set standing next to a camera surrounded by more cameras, other TV equipment and various workers.
Director: And that's a wrap on another episode of Doctor Who. David and Billie, great job as always.
Billie: Thank you!
David (Scottish accent): Always a pleasure.
Director: Heads up, though. Russell's all frantic. Julie just told him we're over-budget on the last episode so Russell's doing a last minute re-write on the next one.
David: Uh oh! This won't be pretty!
Billie: Ooh boy! Russell and re-writes..brrrr! David, we best make ourselves scarce.
David: Right! Yeah, we can't stick around. I've got this...thing...
Billie: Yeah, me too. I've got a...thing too...
David & Billie: 'Bye!
David & Billie rush off in different directions as our view moves over to a cluster of equipment where, obscured from everyone else's view, is the Doctor and Rose.
Doctor (not happy): Well, that's rubbish! That...that doesn't even look like me!
Rose (also not happy): My butt is not that big.
Doctor: Well, you know what they say, Rose?
Rose: What's that, Doctor?
Doctor: That's show biz!
The Doctor aims his sonic screwdriver at the screen, then the screen goes black.
---fade out---
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