Saturday, December 5, 2015

Kicking and Screaming Into the 21st Century

Hi there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that puts your Jehoshaphat to jumpin'! I'm Dave-El and I'm still puzzled by how a fax machine works. 

I've always been a bit slow to embrace new technology. Mostly its because I'm a cheap bastard. I have trouble spending money on the latest thing when the next to latest thing costs less money. And is the next to latest thing working just fine for me? If it is, I see no reason to change. 

Another thing, it seems that whenever I have made the plunge into some new cutting edge tech, it just doesn't work for me. "I'm sorry, Mr. El, but the Whizbanger 3000 uses a different type of electricity than what you have in your home." 

Or "The Whizbanger 3000 only works with a platinum Whoziwhatzit X20 which costs as much as the Whizbanger 3000."  

So with being cheap, easily satisfied with what I have and readily frustrated by change, the technology around the ol' Fortress of Ineptitude gets pretty out of date and a bit dodgy. 

I don't want to say that our connections to the internet were outmoded but I was using a coal burning steam powered modem. 

I don't want to suggest that our internet service was slow but the only we could watch Netflix is if they offered a trickling service. 

I don't want to indicate that our TV service was substandard but my definition of Hi-def meant cleaning off my glasses. 

I don't want to lead you to believe that our phone service was out of date but I still needed Sarah to connect me to the Mayberry courthouse.  

Remember that I mentioned being cheap? Except our old ways of getting access to phone, internet and TV was costing me more money than switching to something new. So that was a motivator to get with updating things around here. 

Remember when I said I as long as I was satisfied with what I have, I saw no reason to change? I was getting tired of what that little spinning wheel every time I wanted to watch porn cats frolic on You Tube. 

So that left "frustration with change" to deal with. I really do stress out over these decisions because inevitably whenever I finally commit to something, I will hear one of the following:

  • "I got a better package than that."
  • "I got it for less money."
  • "I got a better package than that for less money." 
  • "I got a better package than that for less money and with oral sex every day." 

I'm really afraid of getting stiffed (ha!) on a bad deal. So I can spend weeks, months, even years debating the merits of this choice or that. 

The two biggest competitors for our attention were Time Warner and AT&T U-verse. So we had to weigh our options. 

  • Time Warner is a monolith of evil.
  • AT&T is a cesspool of sin. 

What to choose? What to choose? 

Thankfully, my wife Andrea solved that problem. She was approached by an AT&T saleswoman who was canvassing our neighborhood. They've been making a full court press ever since they laid down some brand spanking digital stuff. Andrea can't say no to anybody (hello, that's the reason she's the only woman to marry me) and agreed to have us installed with AT&T U-verse. 

You know what? Sometimes you gotta make a damn choice already. And we were all excited. We were going to have true digital TV! We could all sign on the internet at the same time! We were being dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century at last! 


The morning AT&T shows up to hook us up, it seems the work order was just for TV, not internet. 

What the hell? I mean, Andrea had made it very plain to the saleswoman: we wanted better TV AND internet in our home! Screw the TV, we wanted to better internet to watch porn cat videos. So we're on the phone with the AT&T sales people who assure us we can get what we want and to their credit, we still got a pretty good package for less money. (We did not opt for the oral sex upgrade.)  But still, we are not off to a good start with our new providers of electronic based entertainment and communication. 

The process for hooking us up was supposed to take about 4 hours. It took more than 5. Mostly our tech guy named Steve was up against his own company. Seems the "last minute" nature of our "new" plan meant that someone was turning stuff off as soon as Steve turned it on. After some considerable commiseration with the folks back at AT&T, Steve finally got us hooked up with what we wanted all along. 

That was two weeks ago. So far, so good. We have a lot of cool digital hi-def channels and the internet has worked better than it ever has. Of course, now that I've written this statement, I'm sure something will go wrong. 

Sorry, that's just the way I think. 

Really, the only big problem I had was with my computer (that I call "Computer") who didn't want to join this modern revolution. 

I don't want to say I have an old computer but the CPU is powered by a hamster in a wheel. 

But a new computer is expensive, this one works just fine and I have no idea what to choose if I got a new one. 

And I'm so glad my suffering amuses you.


Tomorrow on the blog: 

Doctor Who Is NEW! looks at the epic conclusion of Series 10. Hell Bent. The Doctor is on Gallifrey once more. And it doesn't look like that's going to be a good thing...but is that a problem for the Doctor....or the Time Lords? 

We'll find out tonight and I'll write about it tomorrow.

Until then, remember to be good to one another.   

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

We went to see Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom  and let me settle something up front: Bryce Dallas Howard does wear high heels.  For a coup...