Tuesday, December 8, 2015

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor: Nutcase Nathan's III

Hi there and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, now with extra fluoride for healthier teeth. I'm Dave-El and I keep calling to say I'm sorry but you never seem to be at home. 

Today is one of those days where I have to give over a blog post to a sponsor to help pay for the greatest blog ever on the internet. Or until the greatest blog ever on the internet ever comes along, this shit I post here.  

For a couple of weeks now, the sponsor for this blog has been....














Yes, Nutcase Nathan's! First he made you great offers on new TV and stereo equipment and after that, he was offering the best legal services for the lowest prices anywhere! What business is Nathan going to promote this week? 

Well, whatever it is, I'm sure it will be in good taste and not at all offensive. 

So stay tuned for this word from our sponsor and I'll be back at the end of the post.


______________________________


DO YOU HAVE A LOVE ONE WHO IS DECEASED?!?!
DO YOU HAVE A FAMILY MEMBER WHO HAS PASSED AWAY?!?!
DO YOU HAVE A CLOSE FRIEND WHO IS NOW DEPARTED?!?!
DOES IT DRIVE YOU NUTS THAT YOU HAVE SOMEONE IS DEAD AND YOU DON'T WANT TO SPEND TOO MUCH MONEY?!?!


HEY THERE!! I'M NUTCASE NATHAN AND I'M MORE NUTS THAT YOU!! SO IF YOU WANT TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF INSANELY LOW PRICES WHILE MOURNING YOUR LOVED ONES, THEN COME ON DOWN TO...



NUTCASE NATHAN'S 
SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER 
 SAVER SAVER SAVER SAVER SAVER
FUNERAL HOME!HOME! HOME! HOME! HOME!
WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU WHENEVER SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU IS: 

  • PASSED ON! 
  • NO MORE! 
  • CEASED TO BE!
  • EXPIRED!
  • GONE TO MEET THEIR MAKER! 
  • BEREFT OF LIFE!
  • RESTING IN PEACE! 
  • PUSHING UP THE DAISIES!
  • KICKED THE BUCKET!
  • SHUFFLED OFF THIS MORTAL COIL!
  • RUNG DOWN THE CURTAIN!
  • JOINED THE CHOIR INVISIBLE!



NO MATTER HOW SOMEONE HAS COME TO THE END OF THEIR METABOLIC BIOLOGICAL PROCESSES THAT INDICATE THE END OF LIFE, WE'VE GOT A DEAL FOR YOU!!!

WE'VE GOT A WIDE SELECTION OF CASKETS MADE FROM THE FINEST MATERIALS IN NORTH AMERICA! WE HAVE COFFINS MADE OF:

  • BRONZE!
  • COPPER!
  • STAINLESS STEEL!
  • TIN!
  • ALUMINUM!
  • VINYL!
  • RUBBERMAID!
  • TUPPERWARE!
  • CLAY! 
  • PIZZA CRUSTS! 
  • LEFTOVER TUNA CASSEROLE! 
  • DUCT TAPE!
  • AND MORE!!!!!!!


AND IF YOU NEED TO BURY SOMEONE YOU REALLY DIDN'T CARE FOR, BE SURE TO ASK FOR THE NUTCASE NATHAN'S $49.95 CARDBOARD BOX SPECIAL!!! 

AND WE HAVE SMOKING HOT DEALS ON CREMATION!!! DON'T GET BURNED BY THE COMPETITION, THEY'LL CHARGE YOU TOO MUCH!!! NUTCASE NATHANS HAS THE LOWEST CREMATION PRICES IN TOWN!!! AND TAKE ANOTHER 40% OFF IF YOU PROVIDE YOUR OWN LIGHTER FLUID!!!

AND WE HAVE A WIDE SELECTION OF URNS TO CHOOSE FROM STARTING AS LOW AS $9.95!!! THAT'S RIGHT, $9.95 FOR URNS SHAPED LIKE: 

  • ANCIENT ROMAN-GRECO STATUARIES!
  • A CAN OF CRISCO!
  • A GIANT FROG!
  • A SUPERMAN BOBBLE HEAD! 
  • A PENGUIN! 
  • DARTH VADER'S HELMET! 
  • DONALD TRUMP'S HEAD!
  • AND MORE!!!!

AND IF YOU REALLY CAN'T BEAR TO NOT SEE YOUR LOVED ONE IN YOUR HOME FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, I HAVE TWO WORDS FOR YOU:
  • TAXI
  • DERMY 
THAT'S RIGHT! NUTCASE NATHAN'S CAN PROVIDE TOP OF THE LINE TAXIDERMISTS WHO CAN HAVE YOUR LOVED ONE STUFF AND MOUNTED IN A VARIETY OF POSES DOING THINGS THEY LOVED TO DO WHEN THEY WERE ALIVE:

  • DANCING!
  • RUNNING!
  • EATING!
  • GOING TO THE BATHROOM!
  • WATCHING TV!
  • FIGHTING IN A BAR!
  • PASSING OUT DRUNK! 
  • EVEN MASTURBATING!

WHATEVER YOU WANT YOUR DECEASED LOVE ONE TO DO, NUTCASE NATHAN'S CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN FOR YOU!!!

AND ALL OF THESE WONDERFUL SERVICES IN YOUR TIME OF GRIEF AND NEED ARE AVAILABLE AT ROCK BOTTOM SUPER LOW PRICES!! HOW CAN WE OFFER SUCH GREAT RATES ON FUNERAL SERVICES?!?!

VOLUME!!!!
VOLUME!!!!
VOLUME!!!!
VOLUME!!!!
VOLUME!!!!

OTHER FUNERAL HOMES WILL CHARGE YOU AN ARM AND LEG TO PROPERLY DISPOSE OF A DECEASED PERSON!! BUT I'M NUTCASE NATHAN AND I SAY, IF YOU CAN'T PAY THAT'S OKAY! IF MONEY'S TIGHT, THEN ASK FOR A OUR "LITERALLY AN ARM AND A LEG" SPECIAL!!! YES, WE WILL ACCEPT AS PAYMENT IN FULL FOR OUR SERVICES AN ARM AND A LEG FROM THE DECEASED!! THEY'RE DEAD, THEY WON'T MISS IT AND YOU'LL SAVE HUNDREDS, EVEN THOUSANDS ON FUNERAL EXPENSES!! DOES THAT SOUND CRAZY?!?! OF COURSE IT DOES!!! I'M NUTCASE NATHAN AND I'M GONNA MAKE YOU THE BEST DEAL POSSIBLE ON THE FUNERAL OF YOUR CHOICE!!! I'VE GOT AMAZINGLY LOW PRICES TO DIE FOR!!!!

AND IF YOU'RE AMONG THE FIRST 100 CUSTOMERS TO PRE-PAY YOUR FUNERAL BETWEEN NOW AND THIS SATURDAY, YOU WILL WIN NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS TIGHT END ROB GRONKOWSKI!!!























NO OTHER FUNERAL HOME WILL OFFER YOU THE SAVINGS YOU CAN GET AT NUTCASE NATHAN'S!!! AND REALLY, IN YOUR TIME OF SORROW AND LOSS, HOW AWESOME WOULD IT BE TO SHARE YOUR GRIEF WITH NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS TIGHT END ROB GRONKOWSKI?!?! IT WOULD BE SUPER FREAKIN' AWESOME, THAT'S WHAT!!!




















SO WHETHER YOU HAVE A LOVED ONE THAT'S JUST DIED, IS ABOUT TO DIE OR YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE, COME ON DOWN TO OUR STYLISH FUNERAL HOME ALONG GRAVE STREET, BETWEEN MCBOINGY'S INFLATABLEPALOOZA AND THE NUMBER 8 PRETTY OKAY CHINESE RESTAURANT AND DRY CLEANER!!!

THAT's...

NUTCASE NATHAN'S 
SUPER SAVER
FUNERAL HOME! 

WHERE I WILL MAKE YOU THE BEST DEAL IN TOWN ON A FUNERAL!!! IF I'M LYING, I'M DYING!!! 

I'M NUTCASE NATHAN!!!!!










































_______________________________
Okay. 

So that was... a thing. 

You know, maybe that wasn't as bad as all that. 


 






 


































I feel so used. 

_______________________________


So that's it for today. And, well, damn, it's enough. I'll be back with another new post tomorrow. Will you be here to read it?

Until then, remember to be good to one another. 

Jerry Lewis, Comic Book Character

This weekend, Jerry Lewis passed away at the age of 91. In his latter years, Jerry became known more for being cantankerous and ill tempered...