Hi there and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, a Justin Beiber blog in an Adele internet. I'm Dave-El and I'm standing in the shadows of love.
Providing high quality blogs with a high level of wit and wisdom doesn't come cheap and neither does whatever the fuck it is that I post here. So there are times when I have to give a blog post over to one of my sponsors. Today's blog post advertisement is a sponsor that started with us last week; so please give your thoughtful attention to this message. I'll be back after this word...from Nutcase Nathan's.
HAVE YOU BEEN INJURED IN AN AUTO ACCIDENT?!?!
HAVE YOU BEEN DISABLED DUE TO A MISHAP AT WORK?!?!
HAVE YOU BEEN KILLED BECAUSE OF A MISLABELED PACKAGE OF BEEF JERKY?!?!?
DOES IT DRIVE YOU NUTS THAT NOBODY'S THERE TO HELP YOU?!?!
HEY THERE!! I'M NUTCASE NATHAN AND I'M MORE NUTS THAT YOU!! SO IF YOU WANT TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY CLEAR AND DANGEROUS LACK OF COHERENT THINKING, THEN COME ON DOWN TO...
WE HAVE A WIDE SELECTION OF LAWYERS TO HANDLE ALL OF YOUR LEGAL NEEDS!!!
- DEFENSE LAWYERS
- OFFENSE LAWYERS
- TAX LAWYERS
- TACO LAWYERS
- CRIMINAL LAWYERS
- LAWYERS WHO ARE CRIMINALS
- CIVIL LAWYERS
- RUDE LAWYERS
- DUDE LAWYERS
- HOT CHICK LAWYERS
- ANY KINDS OF LAWYERS YOU NEED!!
HOW CAN WE HAVE THIS MANY TYPES OF LAWYERS ?!! I DON'T KNOW!! PINEAPPLES, MAYBE?!! COULD BE!! WHO KNOWS?!! I'M NUTS!!
WE'VE GOT LAWYERS AT SUCH RIDICULOUSLY LOW RATES YOU'LL THINK I'VE GONE NUTSY KOO-KOO!!
WELL, I HAVE!! I'M NUTCASE NATHAN AND I'LL HELP YOU GET THE BEST ATTORNEY FOR THE LOWEST PRICE TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR ARREST FOR ARSON, THEFT, JAYWALKING, LITTERING OR MURDER!!
OR TO HELP YOU TAKE ACTION AGAINST THOSE WHO HAVE ARSONED, THEFTED, JAYWALKED, LITTERED OR MURDERED YOU!!
NUTCASE NATHAN'S NOT ONLY HAS AMAZINGLY LOW PRICES FOR LAWYERS, YOU CAN'T BEAT OUR GUARANTEES!!
- IF YOU'RE GOING TO PRISON, WE DON'T GET PAID!!
- IF YOU GET SENTENCED TO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR, WE'LL PAY OUR FEE TO YOU!!
WHAT KIND OF A LAW FIRM OFFERS A GUARANTEE LIKE THAT?!?!
A LAW FIRM RUN BY A CRAZY MAN, THAT'S WHO!! I'M NUTCASE NATHAN!!
HAVE YOU RUN AFOUL OF YOUR LOCAL DRUG LAWS?!?! NUTCASE NATHAN'S GOT A LAWYER FOR YOU IF YOU'VE BEEN ARRESTED FOR POSSESSION OF:
FATTY BOOM BLATTY
MEXICAN DIRT WEED
NEED A LAWYER BUT DON'T HAVE MONEY?!?! NO MONEY IS NO PROBLEM AT NUTCASE NATHAN'S!!
- DO YOU HAVE A CHICKEN?!?
- A SHRUBBERY?!?!
- A BALL OF LINT THAT LOOKS LIKE FORMER PRESIDENT WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT?!?!
THEN YOU'RE IN LUCK 'CAUSE WE CAN DO BUSINESS!!!
AND HOW CAN NUTCASE NATHAN'S PROVIDE LEGAL COUNSEL FOR SO LITTLE MONEY YOU DON'T EVEN NEED MONEY?
THIS SATURDAY, WE HAVE A SPECIAL "MEET OUR LAWYERS" EVENT!! BRING THE KIDS!! WE'LL HAVE:
- ICE CREAM
- WHIPPED CREAM
- SOUR CREAM
- WHIPPED SOUR ICE CREAM
- MIDGET MONGOLIAN MACARENA DANCERS
AND THE FIRST 100 PEOPLE WHO SECURE THE SERVICES OF A LAWYER WILL WIN AN OCTOPUS!!!
OTHER LAW FIRMS CAN'T BEAT OUR PRICES AND THEY WON'T GIVE YOU A FREE OCTOPUS!! BUT NUTCASE NATHAN WILL!! WHY?!!
BECAUSE I'M NUTS, THAT'S WHY!!
SO COME ON DOWN TO...
COME BY ANY OF OUR THREE OFFICES AT....
- DEWEY STREET NEXT TO THE BEN AND JERRY'S
- CHEATEM AVENUE BETWEEN THE HARDEES AND BILLY BROTHER'S TIRE CENTER & DENTAL CLINIC
- OR HOWE BLVD JUST ONE BLOCK OVER FROM ANGRY HAKIM'S HOOKA HOOKUP AND LAUNDROMAT!!
SAVE ON LAWYERS FOR ALL YOUR LEGAL NEEDS AT INSANE DISCOUNT PRICES!!
AND COME EARLY IF YOU WANNA GET A FREE OCTOPUS!!
TO OFFER RATES FOR LEGAL SERVICES THIS LOW, I'D HAVE TO BE NUTS!!
AND I AM!! I'M NUTCASE NATHAN!! AND THERE'S NEVER BEEN A BETTER TIME TO MAKE A BETTER DEAL FOR YOUR VERY OWN LAWYER THAN RIGHT NOW AT NUTCASE NATHAN'S!!!
I do have a disclaimer to read:
"While the lawyers employed by Nutcase Nathan's Attorneys At Law Econoporium are licensed to practice law in your state, Nutcase Nathan is himself not a fully accredited lawyer although he has watched every single episode of Matlock."
So that's a thing.
Thanks for putting up with that. Hey, its the shifting paradigm of the internet. Nothing's free anymore so you gotta go ad based or charge fees. And I don't see anyone paying to get in here. Maybe pay to get out but...
That's that for today. I'll be back with another new post tomorrow. Until then, remember to be good to one another.
And also that you have the right to remain silent.