Friday, November 6, 2015

Broken News For Friday, November 5th, 2015

Hi there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You. I'm Dave-El and as far as I know, George H. W. Bush hasn't said anything bad about me. 

Today I'm posting a special return engagement of....Broken News!  

Broken News is my semi-occasional post for news satire. Remember, satire is a form of comedy that if you don't think it's funny, well, you're just not trying hard enough. 

Broken News is brought to you by Olive Garden. When you're here, you're family. 

Enjoy our Parmesan encrusted garlic flavored bread sticks.


OK, let's get moving with some headlines! 

George W. Bush Responds To Father's Criticism By Sticking Up For Dick Cheney
Maybe George W's not really that close to his dad but I think we can all agree that he knows Dick.

U.S. Finally Reveals Specifics Of Massive Trade Deal
Strangely enough, it's just a copy of the Netflix User Agreement. 

"Hello, my fellow Americans. Just a reminder
that I'm...still here if know, need anything.
Maybe I can help with the laundry your kids."

House GOP Seeks $17 Billion Favor For Banks In Highway Bill
It's for highways enclosed in tubes so bankers don't have to drive next to poor people.

Congressman Wants To Put Gay People On An Island To See If They Die Out
Here's an experiment: we cut off a Congressman from that sweet lobbyist money and see how long he can survive.

Broken News is brought to you by Olive Garden. When you're here, you're family and we want to know when you're going to have kids already! 

Wildlife Group Says Not To Rake Leaves, As If You Needed A Reason
Letting the leaves stay on the ground would help hide the shallow grave in my backyard.

But perhaps I've said too much. 

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders wait patiently while
whoever that guy is keeps talking about something
or another. 

Ben Carson Has A Strange Theory About The Egyptian Pyramids
They're special bathrooms for transgender people. 
(Going to Egypt is a long trip just to pee.) 

Carson On Trans People In Bathrooms: They 'Make Everybody Else Uncomfortable'
As far as I'm concerned, anybody else in a bathroom makes me uncomfortable. You know what makes me really uncomfortable? Ben Carson in my bathroom. Doesn't he kind of remind you of zombie but without the skin condition? 

'The View' Slams Ben Carson: 'Who's His Science Advisor, Nicolas Cage?'
Dressed in a white coat in his secret lab, Nicolas Cage angrily smashes a beaker on the floor, once more his deep, abiding love of science has been mocked. 

Broken News is brought to you by Olive Garden. When you're here, you're family so get your asses in the kitchen and clean some dishes, you lazy bastards. 

Congress To Honor Dick Cheney With A Statue In The U.S. Capitol
Every year, they'll drag it outside for Halloween to scare children. 

And everyone else. 

Why It's National Donut Day For The SECOND Time This Year
Because...'Merica! That's all the reason we need!
Now bring on the damn donuts! 

Paul Ryan's anti-poverty plan will provide
shelter for poor people by renaming
"prisons" as "subsidized housing". 

Syrians And Iraqis In ISIS-Held Territory Face An Impossible Choice
Supergirl or Gotham? 

Scientist May Have Discovered Alternate Universes...Yes, Really
Some of these alternate universes aren't really that different from ours. For example there's the universe that's like ours except Donald Trump says the word "huge" as "nuge" and not "yuge".

Freedom Caucus 'Rebels' Back Big Bank Giveaway
Yes, the Freedom Caucus is about freedom for everybody, not so fast, poor people. 

And that's that for this edition of Broken News!

Broken News has been brought to you by Olive Garden. When you're here, you're family but don't expect us to lend you money. 

Broken News is a production of I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Entertainment, Dave-El Productions and a horrible, horrible pact with Satan that we just didn't think through. 

If you have any complaints about this edition of Broken News, please bring them to the attention of our complaint department.  

Thanks for dropping by. Coming up this weekend is a double dose of Doctor Who posts including Sunday's review of The Zygon Inversion, this week's new Doctor Who episode.

Until then, remember to be good to one another.

"What the hell? This...guy is still talking!"

MUSICALS AWAY! Mamma Mia! AND Moulin Rouge!

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