Thursday, November 19, 2015

Going To the Ice Skate Show

This past Friday, Andrea and I ventured forth from the Fortress of Ineptitude to go see an ice skating show, specifically the Pandora Jewelry Holiday Celebrations on Ice

My wife had scored the tickets through work but there were only two of them. My daughter was cool with hanging out with her grandfather since he has better Wi-Fi and TV that we do and he’s a better cook. She’s not big on ice skating shows per se unless its Disney on Ice. She’s going on 15 years old but ice skating holds little appeal unless someone is dressed as a oversized mutant mouse creature.

I like ice skating and no, I’m not some kind of perv who likes gawking at young women in tight revealing outfits. No, I’m a middle aged man, a husband and a father and it would be wrong, WRONG I say, to regard these talented female athletes in such a degrading manner. (Am I overselling this? Just a little bit. I better pull back a bit.) No, I appreciate the skill of women (And men! Yes, there are men out there too!) on the ice who display such amazing displays of fluidity and grace.

The fluidity and grace of skaters on the ice contrasts with my awkward lumbering when I’m just walking on the ground. Do not think about putting me on ice skates or even roller skates. Thanks to my abnormally high bone density, my center of gravity is different from the average human, making it impossible for me to skate. It’s that same bone density that hinders my body’s buoyancy and prevents me from learning how to swim.

And if you’re thinking that sounds like bullshit, hey, that’s your problem, not me. Go ahead and mock me for my abnormal bone structure. See if I care. I'm so glad my suffering amuses you. (Hey! Blog title tie in!)  

Where was I? Oh yeah. Ice skating. Fluidity and grace, etc, etc.

I’m actually also impressed when a skater messes up. C’mon, if you ever slipped and fell on ice, you know it hurts. And that’s when you’re moving carefully while dressed in several layers of padded clothing. Now imagine hitting ice while moving real fast and wearing little more than a leotard, ballet skirt and pantyhose. (Not that I’m noticing what they’re wearing. Because that would be wrong! Wrong!) Yet these young ladies, when they do stumble, glide right back up to their feet and keep skating. Me, I couldn’t handle an impact like that with such style and flair, thanks to my abnormally low bone density.

Yes, I have abnormally high AND low bone density at the same time. Shroedinger’s Bone Density Syndrome, it’s called. Very rare condition. Be thankful you don’t have it. Stop questioning me!

Where was I? Right, right. Ice skating.  

It was a holiday show hosted by skating legend Kristi Yamaguchi who, sadly, did not skate. She also did not bring me any drinks or hors d'oeuvres so I can’t say she was a very good host.

Among the skaters were the couple that won gold at last year’s Olympics in Sochi, Russia. I bet it’s hard to look down your nose at coming to Greensboro NC when you’ve had Sochi, Russia on your travel itinerary. I mean, at least we have working bathrooms and stuff. There were some young girls in the crowd who were really excited to see these and other recent award winning champion skaters. I mean, OMG, we’re going to see Taylor Swift levels of excitement. I guess even ice skaters have groupies.

A couple of names I did recognize were Brian Boitano and Todd Eldridge. Andrea and I saw Todd in person a few years back at another ice skating even we went to. Nothing like realizing that Todd Eldridge is an OLD pro out there to make me feel older. Even older was Brian Boitano who won his gold medal 28 years ago. In ice skating years, that means Brian should be skating with a walker. Seriously though, both he and Todd had some really good moves on the ice to be a couple old dudes.

Watching couples ice skate is particular nerve racking. There’s a bit where the guy will hold the woman by her legs and whirl her around with her head going up and down, really precariously close to the ice. That is a level of trust and confidence I don’t think I can ever muster about anything. And I’m thinking the last thing the woman wants to do before heading out on the ice with her partner is to tick him off in some way.

Male skater (thinking): “Just a smidge closer to the ice and she’ll be out of my hair forever. And everyone will think it was just a tragic accident!”

Female skater (thinking): “Uh oh! He’s got that look in his eyes.”

Female skater (out loud): “You’re not fantasizing about smashing my head into the ice again, are you?”

Male skater (out loud): “Of course not, my precious flower.”

Male skater (thinking): “Yep, just a tiny smidge closer to the ice would do it.”

Hey, I wonder if that was ever a plot on Murder, She Wrote or Matlock?

While most of the show featured skaters performing to recorded tracks, about a half-dozen acts were accompanied by live music performed by Train. You know, the group Train? No?

“Hey, soul sister, is that Mister Mister on the radio…” 

Ah ha! Yep, that group. Seems they have a Christmas album coming out with a few songs that I haven’t actually heard before. That’s always a plus when Christmas music time rolls around. Local station WMAG began Christmas programming a week ago. They have an extensive play list of Christmas classics that’s six, maybe seven songs long.

Look for the the Pandora Jewelry Holiday Celebrations on Ice on television on ABC, Sunday, November 29th at 3 PM EST. Look for my wife and I in the upper part of the lower section on the end where the camera hardly ever gets pointed. Still, you never know. Just in case, I did wave and shout, "Hey, future me!” a few times.  You might just see me, assuming you have the Hi-Deffiest Hi-Def TV ever.

A couple of behind the scenes things. During the main performance, one of the female solo skaters took a bit of a tumble. As I noted above, she glided right back up to her feet. But since this is all for show and not a competition, after the performance they let her come back out and try it again. And she made the same fall at the exact same place. But everyone in the coliseum began really rooting for her even harder as she made the approach, took the leap and….aced the landing! Yay! 

Also after the show, Train did a run through of “Hey Soul Sister” for anyone there who hadn’t made the connection on who Train was. Like me. 

So that was that. Before I go, I would like to regale you with a song. It's to the tune of the Davy Crockett theme song (ask your grandparents) but with some different words. 


Queen of the Ice Skate Show 

When Kristi was a little girl she liked to skate 
And her family quickly realized she was very great
She practiced a lot on the ice that's very cold
And when she was ready, she won Olympic gold!

Queen of the Ice Skate Show! 

Ta da! 

OK, that's all the fun we can stand for one day. I'll be back with another post tomorrow. Until then, remember to be good to one another. And stay cool! 

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