Monday, November 9, 2015

Starbucks Kills God

People all over the world including major theologians were shocked to discover that the Christian God, an omniscient and omnipotent deity who is widely believed to be responsible for the creation of the Earth and various miraculous upsets in a variety of sports events, was reportedly killed by the super successful specialty coffee chain Starbucks using a redesigned holiday cup as the murder weapon.  

Starbucks denied any responsibility for the deicide of He who is also known as Yahweh and the Great I Am. A spokesperson for Starbucks made the following statement: "We're just trying to sell some coffee here. Maybe sell some muffins and Ed Shearin CDs. Killing God is not part of our business plan." 

However, Evangelical Christians point to the cup as damning evidence of Starbuck's killing of the central deity of a 2,000 plus year religion. "Where are the markings of Christmas?" asked one Christian investigator. "Where is the Christmas tree? Where is the Star of the Nativity? Where are the snowflakes? Where is Santa's sleigh?" The absence of such markings is considered proof by this group that the offending cup was cleaned of all evidence of Christmas, Christianity and God himself to hide their guilt for murdering He Who Made The Heavens and the Earth.  

Commenters on social media cited that the "War on Christmas" has reached a terrible escalation with the release of this ultimate weapon reportedly used to slay Our Father Who Art In Heaven. Said one, "They took the Christ out of Christmas! They're trying to destroy Christmas! Starbucks hates Jesus and wanted God out of the picture!" 

It is important to note that at press time, the actual killing of God has not been confirmed. In fact, most people are incredulous of the news. Said a local minister, "I talk to God everyday and I'm pretty sure He can't be taken out with a Starbucks coffee cup, regardless of what color it is or what is or is not on the outside." 

Still, right wing conservative Christians are stirred up in a righteous fury over this terrible action by Starbucks and it's corporate partner, Satan.  One such Christian summed it all up: "First Obama, then homosexuals, now this! I hope they're all happy now: God is dead and they killed Him!" 

Pope Francis was consulted on this matter who assured his followers that "God is indeed alive and well" but is a bit tired after helping the Carolina Panthers beat the Green Bay Packers this past Sunday.  The Pope added, "Oh for crying out loud, it's just a coffee cup!"  

----reporting by Dave-El for the I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Post-Dispatch 

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