Monday, November 9, 2015

This (Non) Sporting Life: The Post Game Show

Hi there! You're reading I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You. I'm Dave-El and I wanna dance like Uma Thurman.

Today is another edition of This (Non) Sporting Life, a blog post about sports from a guy who does not know much about sports. This past week, the Cleveland Bengals reached an 8 - 0 record for the first time in their franchise history. 

In case you're wondering, the team is named after the bengal, a small but ferocious marsupial native to the rain forest jungles of Bora Bora Bora. Don't let their wide eyed cuteness fool you; the bengal is ready to throw down with any creature in the entire Tri-Bora area. The bengal has fangs and retractable claws, just like the wolverines native to New York, Canada and Australia. In addition, the bengal has a whip like prehensile tail with a sharp bone in the tip. Ye-ouch!  Despite their fierce savagery, the bengal does look so gosh darn cute which is why the Cleveland football team uses the image of a tiger on their uniforms instead of the bengal. But make no mistake, a bengal can rip the shit out of a tiger, especially one from Ohio. 

So to sum up:

  • Cleveland football team unbeaten
  • Bengals have retractable claws
  • Rip the shit out of tigers
  • Yada yada yada.

And we move on.

The Carolina Panthers headed into the weekend with a 7 - 0 record. One more win and they too would be 8 - 0. 

Well, they got it/they didn't get it. So, way to go, Panthers/real bummer dudes.*

*Note to self; Dave-El, please remember to check scores Monday morning and update that part before this post goes online. 

Well, that's all I have to talk about in sports today. Which means its time for....

The Bojangles This (Non) Sporting Life Post Game Show. Bojangles, home of the spicy sauchickham biscuit. Get one today and don't forget Bojangles legendary ice tea. Get two, that damn biscuit is spicy. Bojangles! It's Bo-Time!

Joining me for The Bojangles This (Non) Sporting Life Post Game Show is an up and coming internet sensation. From You Tube and Kik Chats, Randie Brooks!**

**Dad! You said I didn't have to do this! 
C'mon! I can't do a post game show bit without a second person in the booth, Miranda!
Shhh! First of all, when we're on the internet, my name is Randie...
And secondly, we are not in a booth. 
C'mon! Use your imagination! 
I'm imagining I'm somewhere else right now. 
Oh this will be fun! 
No it won't but if it will make this end faster...

Dave-El: So this was an interesting match up for today's This (Non) Sporting Life post. 
Randie: Yeah, two unbeaten teams in...what sport is...?
Dave-El: Football.
Randie: Football, right. So, unbeaten. Yay.
Dave-El: I bet no one expected something like this to come out of Cleveland, right?
Randie: I don't think anyone expects anything to come out of Cleveland. 
Dave-El: Yep, very unexpected.
Randie: So...bengals, huh?
Dave-El: A most fascinating creature. 
Randie: So the bengal is an actual thing?
Dave-El: Hey, would I make up something like that?
Randie: Let me write this down: the bengal is NOT an actual thing.
Dave-El: Hey, that's not nice! 
Randie: So I can take all the stuff about the bengal and write a science paper on it?
Dave-El: Well, er....
Randie: And I would get an "A"? 
Dave-El: You know, the world's not ready to hear about the bengal.
Randie: Right. 
Dave-El: Just want to remind folks you're tuning into the Bojangles This (Non) Sporting Life Post Game Show. Bojangles! It's Bo-Time! 
Randie: Oh sweet Jesus, this is so stupid. 
Dave-El: Moving on to the Carolina Panthers...
Randie: Wait, the Carolina Panthers? 
Dave-El: Yes. 
Randie: Which one?
Dave-El: Which one what? 
Randie: Which Carolina? There's two of them, North Carolina and South Carolina. 
Dave-El: Er, the North Carolina one.
Randie: So why aren't they called the North Carolina Panthers? 
Dave-El: I don't know.
Randie: I find that irritating, people acting as if North Carolina AND South Carolina are just one honking big Carolina. Like we have something in common with people in South Carolina!
Dave-El: Oh God, no! 
Randie: North Carolina is the cool one! 
Dave-El: Moving on to the, the Panthers.
Randie: They play....what again?
Dave-El: Football. And they had an unbeaten record as well, 7 - 0, coming into this weekend's game against...that other team they were playing. 
Randie: So how that all turn out?
Dave-El: Excellent/Badly. The Panthers did/did not win. So now they remain unbeaten/have their first loss of the season.
Randie: You are going to fix that before this posts, right? 
Dave-El: Sure! Got it covered. 
Randie: Are we done now?
Dave-El: Yep, that's a wrap for this edition of the Bojangles This (Non) Sporting Life Post Game Show. Today only, you can get a spicy sauchickham biscuit for just $1.99 plus tax. Spend an extra dollar or two for some of Bojangles' legendary iced tea. Bojangles! It's BoTime! This is Dave-El...
Randie: (she's already left) 
Dave-El: and that was Randie Brooks. So long, everybody! This is the ISGMSAY Network! 


OK, that was weird. 

And you know what? Quality blogging doesn't come cheap. Neither does whatever the hell I writing here. So occasionally, I have to seek support from sponsors. In fact, I'm overdue to have a message from one of my sponsors. That's coming up tomorrow. 

Until then, remember to be good to one another and have another cup that cool Bojangles legendary iced tea.

Greetings, Earth creatures! I am the opposite of the simpering fool who writes this blog, the one who calls himself Dave-El. I am General Todd! And as the opposite of Dave-El, I do know about sports and can tell you that the Carolina Panthers defeated the Green Bay Packers and increase their unbeaten streak to 8 and 0. 

Now kneel before Todd!  

OK, if now is not a good time for that, I'm cool. But I expect some kind of kneeling in the general vicinity of my person before the day is out! 

General Todd has spoken!    

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