Wednesday, December 30, 2015

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor: Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium


Hi there! Dave-El here, your blogger with the soul of an angel... food cake. This is I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, your flaming hoverboard of a blog.


Posting quality material on a blog everyday is not easy and neither is it cheap. Also not easy and cheap? Whatever stupid shit I post here. 


So once in a while I have to turn over some blog space to one of my sponsors. So today's post is from a long time sponsor of this blog that we haven't heard from in a while. So please give our sponsor your attention and I'll be back with a few words at the close of today's post.


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DO YOU NEED A VAN?!!?


Does it need to be PLAIN?! WHITE?! and UNMARKED?!?!!


Then I've got a deal for YOU! 


I'm Dwayne Fontaine and I'm ready to make a deal on the plain white unmarked van of your choice here at PLAIN WHITE UNMARKED VAN EMPORIUM!!!!


Are you a well armed individual with a need to transport mass quantities of guns, rifles, grenades and other death dealing devices to unleash hell on Earth against a group of people gathered in public somewhere minding their own damn business?  


Well, go on and git yer guns as is your God given 2nd Amendment right but as soon as you turn those guns on people who ain’t done nothing to you, you’re on a fast track to hell where the Devil himself will have you chained naked to a sharp spikey rock where one of his dark evil minions will shoot you in the balls which will grow back…painfully I might add…and he’ll shoot you there every damn day for eternity. But until you commit your heinous act of mass murder and be condemned to unholy eternal torment, YOU'RE GONNA NEED A VAN!!

At PLAIN WHITE UNMARKED VAN EMPORIUM, we have a vast selection of plain white unmarked vans! Why so many? Because my stupid ass son in law ordered too many!! Two zeroes after the 1 is 100! Four zeroes after the 1 is 10,000!! That's right! 10,000 plain white unmarked vans filling up my lot!! And I need to get 'em out of here! So now is the time to buy!


Are you a person filled with the burning passions and uncontrollable urges to do sick, perverted things to kidnapped women and men in a rolling dungeon of sex, torture and depravity? 


YOU SICK SON A OF A BITCH! You're the reason that hell exists!! You are a blight on society, an abomination among decent folks and one day you're going to get caught and put in the lowest cell in a pound you in the ass prison where you'll be the bitch slave of a cellmate named Bubba Mae who'll trade you like a cheap whore around the other prisoners, giving out oral sex for cigarettes until the day you take your own miserable life and descend until the hell that awaits you, an eternity of being a bitch slave to a spike covered firebreathing hell beast who looks just like Bubba Mae! But until the day you are punished by man and by God for your sickening acts of sex and violence,  YOU'RE GONNA NEED A VAN!!!


Good credit, bad credit! I DON'T CARE! You're a disgusting excuse for a human being and I want you off my lot as soon as possible behind the wheel of a plain white unmarked van!!


So come on down to PLAIN WHITE UNMARKED VAN EMPORIUM!!!! We're located off exit 42 by the interstate on Sewer Plant Road between Dollar General and Family Dollar and across the road from the County Crack-Meth Rehab clinic. We're open Monday through Saturday until 9:00 PM. We're closed on Sunday because we're in church, dammit, and you should be too if you have any chance at redeeming your sin shattered soul!


But until you do, for whatever violent, murderous, rapey, torturous, hideous, depraved, terrorizing, sick, twisted, deviant, vicious, perverted, terrible, stomach-churning, gut wrenching, God awful, God forsaken and God dammned thing you're gonna do, YOU'RE GONNA NEED A VAN!!


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So. 


It appears that Dwayne Fontaine's medication isn't working too good right now. Well, poor guy, he's under a lot of stress and he does have a lot of plain white unmarked vans to sell.


In case you're curious, for more on Plain White Unmarked Van Emporiumclick HERE and HERE and HERE 

and HERE and HERE.

OK, that's enough for me. Thanks for dropping by and I'll be back tomorrow with not one but two (TWO!!) posts looking back at the year that was, 2015.

Until then, remember to be good to one another. 

All Things Must Pass

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