But you might wonder, what about Donald Trump? He's an even more smug, an extremely self-righteous promoter of hate and fear and an even bigger disregarder of truth and reason. Why don't I write about Donald?
Because I don't need to. Trust me, all the news people and the pundits and the late night talk show hosts and innumerable bloggers and so forth and so on have got this asshole covered. Meanwhile, Ted Cruz is over to the side saying the same shit as Donald and getting away with it because he has that thick viscous layer of overt sincerity that makes him seen sane compared to Trump. The only thing that has slowed Cruz down has been Trump vacuuming up the evangelical voters that Cruz figured were in his column. You know, the ones who emphatically believe Jesus should be white and so should the President.
But Cruz is not down yet as Super Tuesday added Texas, Oklahoma and Alaska to Iowa to make up a total of 4 states in the Ted Cruz win column. He's still in this thing and still counting on Trump to either implode or, if Cruz can play his cards right, hitch himself to Trump's star as VP.
Assuming Trump hasn't already promised that to Chris Christie. Oh God, what kind of deal with the devil has Christie made after endorsing Trump last week? Did you see the look on his face Tuesday night after Trump's big wins?
Is Trump holding Christie hostage? "Oh shit! What have I done?" has never been better articulated without words than Christie's expression that night.
So Donald Trump continues to gallop along, snatching up wins in state after state, rolling up delegates like so many gold plated knick knacks in a Trump casino. Can anyone stop him? What about you, Marco Rubio?
<insert sound of a roomful of hyenas>
OK, so maybe not so much Marco.
Look, I gotta give it up for Marco who actually tapped into his inner Trump to toss some zingers at Donald's orange spray tan, hair piece and small penis (really!) but man, it's too little, too late. The Trumpites have drank of the orange Kool-Aid and shall not be moved. Meanwhile in Marco Rubio's home state of Florida, Trump has a nearly 20 point lead over Marco in the polls. Maybe if former candidate and former Florida governor Jeb Bush would throw some support Marco's way by endorsing, Rubio might be able to... reduce that gap by about 5 points.
Yeah, I don't think Trump is worried about Rubio. It really doesn't help Rubio that at 44 years old, he still looks young enough to be the cast member of a Nickelodeon sitcom, perhaps a wacky sidekick known as "Weasel".
Another guy looking to his home state for a win and a way to hang on in this campaign is John Kasich. The former governor of Ohio is looking for a win in that state's primary to reverse his fortunes even as people in Ohio are on Google trying to find out who John Kasich is. So hold on to that dream, John, hold on to it tight.
Hey, remember Dr. Ben Carson?
Someone woke him up Wednesday and he was shocked to learn he's still running for President! "I thought we gave that shit up months ago," he said. "How long have I been asleep?" Apparently since last October. That's some serious sleepwalking there.
So the Republicans breakdown like this:
- Loud crazy dude nobody likes yet is incredibly winning a lot
- Quiet crazy dude disliked by even more people but who is winning a little
- Man-Boy weasel who isn't winning much and keeps getting carded every time he orders a Fuzzy Navel at Applebee's.
- Alleged Ohio person who isn't winning at all and may in fact technically not exist
- Sleepy guy who never had a chance at winning except in his several months long dream.
Hey, what's happening with the Democrats? Hillary Clinton's feeling a bit more chill as she romped through the Democratic Super Tuesday primaries, carrying all but 2 states.
Bernie Sanders took Oklahoma which has a big affinity for old, cranky Jewish guys with bad hair and his home state of Vermont which is kind of like a mini-version of Canada.
Bernie hasn't given up yet. He says the revolution is still on even as Hillary sucks on a big cigar while rolling around naked in a pile of delegates and I am truly sorry for putting that image in your head.
At this point, the delegate math for both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is adding up for both to secure the nominations of their respective parties. For Hillary, it will be a milestone accomplishment for her lifelong dream to be the United States' first female President. And for Donald, it will be a step towards the fulfillment of his lifelong dream to stamp the word TRUMP in giant gold letters over all our national parks and monuments.
And thus is the state of this Presidential election process, this campaign, this damn pain.
Everyone, be good to one another.
I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You