Monday, March 14, 2016

This (Non) Sporting Life: The Ball Goes THROUGH the Hoop

Hi there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog with a wicked three point shot. I'm Dave-El and I wipe the sweat off the floor. Today's blog post is a semi-regular feature I called This (Non) Sporting Life, a post about sports written by a guy who doesn't know a lot about sports. 


It's been a rough week to be a fan of the Duke Blue Devils Men's Basketball team. Last Saturday saw Duke lose to North Carolina in the final regular season game. I wasn't too bugged about that. It was a tough game and both sides played well. 

Besides, Duke beat the Tarheels earlier in the season. 



And also, Carolina's seniors had never won at Cameron, Duke's home court, before. I almost felt bad for them so, what the hell. Let 'em have their little victory. Duke would get another chance to clean Carolina's clock on Friday during the ACC Tournament

Well, first Duke would have to get past Notre Dame on Thursday but that shouldn't be a problem. 

Yeah, about that...

So the Duke - Notre Dame match up went according to plan. For awhile, anyway. In fact, Duke had a 16 point lead over the Fightin' Irish of Notre Dame in the 2nd half. 

And then...

And then...

Hell if I know! Duke stopped playing? Somebody turned up the gravity? Fluctuations in the space - time continuum? All I know is Notre Dame started coming back. And Duke went colder than a witch's big toe. They couldn't buy a basket. They couldn't get a loan from the bank to buy a basket! 

C'mon, Duke! The ball goes THROUGH the hoop, OK? Round orange thing with the white net hanging from it. Yeah, that thing! The ball goes through the hoop!

But who listens to me? No one, that's who. And Notre Dame wins. But...

But...

C'mon! Didn't Notre Dame get the script? Duke was supposed to win this! Duke was supposed to go one and play North Carolina and show the Tarheels who's boss and make all the insufferable Carolina fans stew in their juices for awhile. 

Notre Dame was not supposed to win!!!!

Sigh. 

OK, let's change the script. 

Scrappy underdog beats major college basketball powerhouse on an improbable run for the conference championship. Another big time conference basketball force stands in their way. But this scrappy underdog will not be denied. 

Fine, I can go with this storyline. At least Duke's defeat will not have been in vain.  

Friday night, North Carolina meets Notre Dame

And then....

North Carolina beats the ever lovin' CRAP out of Notre Dame. By 40 points! 

Sigh. 

And I'm so glad my suffering amuses you.  

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Oh, and if you're wondering about how Carolina did in Saturday night's conference championship game, I really don't give a damn!*

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And now, it's time for the Bojangles This (Non) Sporting Life Post Game Show. Here's your host, Dave-El! 

Dave-El: Hi there! Welcome to the This (Non) Sporting Life Post Game Show brought to you by Bojangles, home of the Bacon/Egg/SPAM/Sausage/Egg/SPAM/Cheese/SPAM/SPAM biscuit! Bojangles! It's BO-TIME!  Joining me in the studio is Internet sensation Randie Brooks! 

Randie: ....

Dave-El: Randie Brooks! 

Randie: ....

Dave-El: MIRANDA! 

Randie: Dad! I'm "Randie" on the Internet! 

Dave-El: Well, you weren't answering! 

Randie: Oh crap! Are we doing this postgame thing again? I said I didn't want to do this again!

Dave-El: Oh, c'mon, it'll be fun! 

Randie: This is the opposite of fun. 

Dave-El: I have a chocolate milk! 

Randie: I hate you, you know that.  

Dave-El: No you don't. 

Randie: Fine, whatever, let's get this over with. 

Dave-El: Great! Today's post was about how Notre Dame- 

Randie: Wrong. 

Dave-El: What? 

Randie: That's not how you pronounce that. 

Dave-El: I'm not pronouncing anything. This is typing. 

Randie: Well, I've heard you pronounce it and you pronounce it wrong. 

Dave-El: OK, let's deal with this. I'm engaging the I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Phonetic Translator Thingy which is brought to you by Bojangles! It's BO-TIME! 

Randie: <grumble grumble grumble>  

Dave-El: OK, as I was saying, KNOW TER DAYME played against...

Randie: No, it's KNOW TRA DAHMN.  

Dave-El: No, it's KNOW TER DAYME. 

Randie: How can it be KNOW TER DAYME when it's actually KNOW TRA DAHM? You know, the Hunchback of KNOW TRA DAHM? 

Dave-El: The Hunchback of KNOW TRA DAHM? 

Randie: Yes, exactly! See, you're pronouncing right! 

Dave-El: Yes, it is the Hunchback of KNOW TRA DAHM but there's no hunchback at KNOW TER DAYME! 

Randie: It's not the same place? 

Dave-El: No, KNOW TRA DAHM is in Paris, France. KNOW TER DAYME is....well, to be honest, I'm not sure where it is but it's in America somewhere.  

Randie: So why is is pronounced KNOW TRA DAHM in Paris and it's KNOW TER DAYME here? 

Dave-El: Because... America. 

Randie: Whatever. I really don't care now. I didn't care before and now I care less than not caring. Can I go now? 

Dave-El: Well, we are out of time anyway. This has been the Bojangles This (Non) Sporting Life Post Game Show! Thanks to my co-host Randie Brooks...

Randie: ....

Dave-El: And she's already left. I'm Dave-El. That's all for today. I will be back with another post tomorrow. Until then, remember to be good to one another. 

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*Greetings, Earth creatures! I am the opposite of the simpering fool who writes this blog, the one who calls himself Dave-El. I am General Todd! And as the opposite of Dave-El, I do care about the ACC Tournament and I am quite pleased to tell you that the North Carolina Tarheels defeated the Virginia Cavaliers in a fantastic game to win the tournament championship! 

And furthermore, the Tarheels have a #1 seed in the upcoming NCAA Tournament! 

Now kneel before Todd!  

I said, kneel! 

Oh, come on, it won't kill you! 

Fine! Don't kneel! See if I care! 


General Todd has spoken!    

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