Friday, September 16, 2016

Broken News For Friday, September 16, 2016


Oh my my! Oh hell yes! Time to put on...

A new installment of bRoKen nEwS

bRoKen nEwS is a randomly appearing feature here on the old blog thing bringing you news satire. Remember, satire is humor you have to be smart to understand. So if none of this is funny, well, that's your fault. 




But we're not here to judge.

bRoKen nEwS is brought to you by Wells Fargo.




Now let's get down and funky fresh with some headlines, y'all! Let's do this bRoKen nEwS thing in 5...

4...

3...

2...

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Yeah, Hillary Has Pneumonia, But Trump Is Still A Deranged Threat To America

Hey, hey, hey! No pressure, I'm still making a decision here! OK, pneumonia or deranged threat? Damn, I'm still not sure. 

The Most Common Prostate Cancer Screening Method Is Obsolete

Hey, men! Do what I do. You can get a free prostate check when you buy a new suit from Jos. A Banks.  Just ask for Pepe.  

Trump Radically Breaks From GOP With Maternity Leave Plan

For starters, Trump has a maternity leave plan.

Trump Presents Plan After Decades Of Demeaning Working Mothers

Look, Donald, working mothers are great. First of all, they're working so they have money. And secondly, they're mothers so you know they put out.  

Pence Opposed Policy Donald Is Now Trying To Sell

Pence's idea of maternity leave is letting Mommy leave the kitchen to buy groceries. 


Kentucky Governor Says Conservatives May Have To Turn To Physical Violence

Other options: kicking, screaming, holding breath until conservatives turn blue. 

Campaign Manager Says Trump Has ‘A Right To Privacy’ Concerning His Health

We really don't want to know medical details like what is up Trump's ass. Although I'm guessing Sean Hannity. 

Mike Pence Shrugs Off Concerns About David Duke, Trump Hating Women

Says Pence, "Look, for the money Trump is paying me to play along with this... uh oh. I shouldn't have said that."  

Senate Scrambles To Avert Funding Crisis

Damn it, Mitch! There's got to be some loose change in the couch cushions!

Trump Says Much Needs To Be ‘Investigated’ In Climate Science

Like why it rains every fucking time you wash your car. Let's get some climate science shit on that question. 

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Recently, bRoKen nEwS has observed that polling shows Donald Trump closing the gap on Hillary Clinton for the 2016 Presidential election. After enjoying a lead of 8 to 10 points over her Republican challenger, Secretary Clinton has seen that lead reduced to 4 points. Certain polls have the margin closer than that and a couple even have Donald Trump in the lead.

To address this trend in the polls, bRoKen nEwS presents a forum of rational and reasoned discussion that I like to call...




(Ahem!)

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, AMERICA?!?!

Do you REALLY want the dung beetle of democracy Donald Trump to be the President of the United States?!?! This orange nut sack passing for a human has the temperament of a 5 year old CHILD and has the attention span of a FLEA!




You Trump supporters say Donald says what's on his mind! So does Fred the drunk vagrant who looks like a deranged Gandalf and smells like urine! Except Fred the drunk vagrant has a consistent message that he's given some thought to! Granted that message is "The planet Neptune is controlling our minds" but still!

Trump supporters say Donald would be a great President because he's a great businessman! BULLSHIT! Donald's many business failures out number his few successes and those successes were little more than con jobs and shady deals paid with enormous tax breaks, low employee wages and outright cheating contractors from being paid!

You Trump people say you can't trust Hillary! Hillary is crooked and a liar! REALLY?!?! Look, we know more about Hillary Clinton's health than we do about Donald Trump's!

We know more about Hillary Clinton's finances than we know about Donald Trump's!

We know more about Clinton's plans as President than we do about whatever the hell Trump has planned!

We know more about the Clinton Foundation than we do about the Trump Foundation!

But you can't trust Clinton but you trust Trump?!?!?

REALLY?!?!





(Ahem.)

Sorry about that.

More headlines? 

Yes, please. 

NCAA Pulls All Championship Events From North Carolina Over Anti-LGBT Laws

Gov. Pat McCrory says, "Go on, take away your stupid ballgames with all the stupid people spending stupid money. I didn't want you to come anyway! You're stupid!" Then Pat went back to the governor's office to sulk. 

Now the Atlantic Coast Conference is pulling key sporting contests out of North Carolina. Pat is crying in his pillow, wondering why no one will play with him. 

Hold on! bRoKen nEwS is receiving an urgent news alert! 




PLEASE BE ALERT! 
Whatever you do, do NOT look into the eyes of the North American Soul Sucker Bird. It is an EVIL bird and will suck out your SOUL! (And you don't even have to be in North America!) So WATCH OUT FOR THAT BIRD!!!

This has been a....




OK, that was just... I don't know. I haven't posted a bRoKen nEwS in a while and it seems like things might be a bit out of control.

Sorry 'bout that. 

Let's just back to the headlines, all right?  

Woman Arrested For Stealing 3 French Fries

And so begins Les Miserables II: Electric Boogaloo. 

Ambushed Diver Fights Off Great White Shark With Speargun

And that, my friends, is why we need to preserve our God given 2nd amendment rights to own a fucking speargun. You never know when a great white shark could bust right through your door to steal your shit! So spearguns or death! Go 'Merica! Vote Trump!   
Ryan reported, "Yeah, there were two...no, four...FIVE! Five of them and they were armed with knives, no, guns! Guns AND knives!"  

Grandma Fights To Stay In The Treehouse She’s Lived In 10 Years

She insists that Squirrel Jesus wants her to stay.

Weird Al Yankovic wants to be called Weird Alana. 
I've always thought of Matt Lauer as more of a "Human Q-Tip".   



OH MY SWEET JESUS!! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?!

Oh great! It's a North American Soul Sucker Bird and I looked right into its eyes! I totally ignored the bRoKen nEwS   Irrational Fear Alert! Dammit! Now my soul's been sucked out! 

That's a lesson to you, kids! When you see this...


...you need to pay attention. 

Now, do we go back to headlines? 

Why do I care? My soul's been sucked. 

All right, more headlines it is! 

Lil Wayne Says There’s No Such Thing As Racism

And I think Lil Wayne is a figment of Snoog Dogg's fever dream imagination. 
Ran out of reality. Yep, that's it for reality. All used up. No more reality left.  

How To Think, According To This Winner Of The Brain Prize

First of all, peel the Vote Trump bumper sticker off of your pick up truck...

Americans Still Can’t Have A Real Discussion About Foreign Policy

Hell, we can't have a real discussion about whatever the fuck is going on season 2 of Mr. Robot. 

Other women are going to be pissed at her for always having to top their labor stories. "Fuck it, Sharon! We get it! You gave birth on a aircraft carrier! Damn!" 

How did she get pregnant anyway? She get too close to the seamen?  

Really, this thing is just packed with seamen. 

Antonio Brown Penalized For Excessively Good Twerking

His twerking was SO good, it caused a woman on an aircraft carrier to spontaneously conceive a child.  

The power of Antonio's twerking COMMANDS you!

New York Attorney General Launches ‘Inquiry’ Into Trump Foundation

"Mr. Trump, why do so many of these charities involve beautiful young women from Eastern Europe?" 

Trump Once Asked For Obama’s Help In A Trade Battle With China

Trump was sorely disappointed when the President's help did not include a tactical nuclear strike. "Well, that sucks!" Trump was heard to say. 

Kid Rock Inserts Himself Into Colin Kaepernick Drama With Three Words

Can that headline getting any more gay?

Yes. Yes it can.  

______________________

And that, boys and girls, is that for this special return engagement of bRoKen nEwS. Today's edition of bRoKen nEwS has been brought to you by Barack's School of Yodeling. 



That's not just yodeling, it's your future calling at Barack's School of Yodeling. 

If you have any complaints about the content of today's edition of bRoKen nEwS, feel free to take them up with the bRoKen nEwS complaint department. 


"Not now! I'm busy!" 
bRoKen nEwS is a production of I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Entertainment made possible by a grant from the Dave-El Foundation. Any duplication of any part of bRoKen nEwS really reflects poorly on you as a person and you should be ashamed. 

May we go now?  





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