Oh my my! Oh hell yes! Time to put on...
A new installment of bRoKen nEwS!
bRoKen nEwS is a randomly appearing feature here on the old blog thing bringing you news satire. Remember, satire is humor you have to be smart to understand. So if none of this is funny, well, that's your fault.
But we're not here to judge.
bRoKen nEwS is brought to you by Wells Fargo.
Now let's get down and funky fresh with some headlines, y'all! Let's do this bRoKen nEwS thing in 5...
Hey, hey, hey! No pressure, I'm still making a decision here! OK, pneumonia or deranged threat? Damn, I'm still not sure.
Hey, men! Do what I do. You can get a free prostate check when you buy a new suit from Jos. A Banks. Just ask for Pepe.
Pence's idea of maternity leave is letting Mommy leave the kitchen to buy groceries.
Other options: kicking, screaming, holding breath until conservatives turn blue.
Says Pence, "Look, for the money Trump is paying me to play along with this... uh oh. I shouldn't have said that."
Damn it, Mitch! There's got to be some loose change in the couch cushions!
Like why it rains every fucking time you wash your car. Let's get some climate science shit on that question.
We know more about the Clinton Foundation than we do about the Trump Foundation!
What it doesn't look like is a movie.
Gov. Pat McCrory says, "Go on, take away your stupid ballgames with all the stupid people spending stupid money. I didn't want you to come anyway! You're stupid!" Then Pat went back to the governor's office to sulk.
Whatever you do, do NOT look into the eyes of the North American Soul Sucker Bird. It is an EVIL bird and will suck out your SOUL! (And you don't even have to be in North America!) So WATCH OUT FOR THAT BIRD!!!
This has been a....
OK, that was just... I don't know. I haven't posted a bRoKen nEwS in a while and it seems like things might be a bit out of control.
|Weird Al Yankovic wants to be called Weird Alana.|
OH MY SWEET JESUS!! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?!
That's a lesson to you, kids! When you see this...
Other women are going to be pissed at her for always having to top their labor stories. "Fuck it, Sharon! We get it! You gave birth on a aircraft carrier! Damn!"
How did she get pregnant anyway? She get too close to the seamen?
|Really, this thing is just packed with seamen.|
|The power of Antonio's twerking COMMANDS you!|
Trump was sorely disappointed when the President's help did not include a tactical nuclear strike. "Well, that sucks!" Trump was heard to say.
Can that headline getting any more gay?
And that, boys and girls, is that for this special return engagement of bRoKen nEwS. Today's edition of bRoKen nEwS has been brought to you by Barack's School of Yodeling.
That's not just yodeling, it's your future calling at Barack's School of Yodeling.
If you have any complaints about the content of today's edition of bRoKen nEwS, feel free to take them up with the bRoKen nEwS complaint department.
|"Not now! I'm busy!"|
May we go now?