Thursday, September 1, 2016

Weiner Weiner

 Hi there, world! Whazzup?

Anthony Weiner is back in the news. In 2011, Weiner was a Congressman who was forced to resign after it was discovered he was sexting and sending dick pics to people who were not his wife. 

He promised to do better. 

In 2013, Anthony Weiner ran for mayor of New York City but that campaign went nowhere because he was still in the habit of sexting and sending dick pics to people who were not his wife. 

He promised to do better. 

In 2016, Anthony Weiner shockingly continues to pursue sexting and sending dick pics to people who were not his wife. 

He promised to do better. 

His wife said fuck this and is dumping his ass. 

His wife, by the way, is Huma Abedin who is a high ranking advisor to Hillary Clinton. Man, do they have a LOT to talk about. Can you imagine if Bill Clinton had access to current smart phone tech back in the 1980s and 90s? Well, I can. He would be sexting and sending dick pics to people who were not his wife. And when he was caught...

He would promise to do better. 

Of course, Bill had to get his jollies the old fashion way. With whores. 

OK, maybe I shouldn't speak ill of the women who succumbed to Bill Clinton's charms. As they say in Arkansas where Clinton used to be governor, he could charm the stink off a razorback pig. 

Still, Bill Clinton paid for those indiscretions and I'm sure I know how it went down behind the scenes.

Hillary: Listen to me, Bill, you son of a bitch...

Bill: Squeezing...nuts...

Hillary: You are NOT going to fuck this up for me, you hear?

Bill: Squeezing...them...hard...

Hillary: I'm going to be the first goddam female President one day! 

Bill: Really... hurts....

Hillary: And you and your whoring dick are not going to shit on that, you understand me? 

Bill: My balls.... hurt...


Bill: Yes...Hillary...OUCH! 

Hillary: Good! 

Bill: Can I have... my balls back now? 

Hillary: NO! These are MINE now! 

And so it came to pass that Bill Clinton dutifully follows Hillary everywhere, serving her faithfuly in her quest to become President. The man recently turned 70 years old but he hasn't given up hope on getting his balls back and maybe taking them out for a spin. 

You see, if he had a camera phone back in the day, Bill would at least have some photos to remember them by. 

Meanwhile, Anthony Weiner can't stop taking photos of his penis. Does he get them printed up and paste them in leather bound photo albums which he carefully labels and catalogues? I can see Anthony donning a lush red robe with an ascot, puffing on a pipe as he grandly shows off his library of dick pics. 

"Ah, I see you are perusing Volume VII. Yes, a particularly good volume if I do say on myself. That was my Ansel Adams period."

So why oh why does Anthony Weiner keep going back to this same old routine of sexting and sending dick pics to people who were not his wife. Because some men just have fucked up wiring and can't help themselves.  It's like they have a selections of options.

"Behind door #1 are power and prestige. Behind door #2 is lavish wealth. Behind door #3 are women who are not your wife that you can have sex with indiscrimately. What will it be?" 

And some guys just stand there confused. And you have to ask the question again, "What will it be?" 

And the answer is, "I'm thinking it over!" 

Granted that only some guys who would have to think over between choosing power, money or sex. There are other men who would just go to door #3. 

By the way, what kind of screwy game show is this? It's not on my cable system. 

But not all guys are like that, are they? Either wavering on the precipice or completely falling in to the pit of impropriety? No, there are good guys out there who do not think with their penises. No, they think with their stomachs. They do a lot of thinking, so much thinking that they can no longer see their penises which makes it easier to resist the trouble they can lure us into. 

And there are men who do not seek out sex with women they shouldn't have sex with. These men are secretly gay and are having sex with men. 

But to be serious for a moment, there are some good men out there. Men like, well, if I may be so bold, myself. I possess the strength and the fortitude to resist the women out there who are fighting their own carnal cravings and want to make me their personal sexual plaything. I'm not that kind of a man and I choose not to engage in that kind of-

Do I hear giggling? 

Fine, I'm one of those guys who thinks with their stomachs. 

And I'm so glad my suffering amuses you. 

Weiner Weiner

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