Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that makes you question your reason for living.
Dave-El here and it's Friday night! Every Friday, we do a weakly...er, weekly round up of the news and make fun of it in a little feature we call....BROKEN NEWS. Today's installment is brought to you by Zimmerman Hoodies! The latest fashion trend for black men who don't want to get shot by George Zimmerman!
Tonight we have a special guest: the former New York City district attorney and New York governor who had to take that long walk of shame after being caught playing Yahtzee with a prostitute*, Eliot Spitzer. After doing time in the wilderness of penance (hosting a show on CNN), he's back in politics, running to be elected as NYC Dog Catcher...er, NYC Comptroller. (What does that mean? He'll trolls for comps? How the hell should I know?)
*"Playing Yahtzee with a prostitute" is my euphemism for "screwing a whore".
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Anyway, Mr. Spitzer, is there anything you want to say to our readers tonight?
Yeah. Right. (Ahem!)
Let's get to them there headlines!
Broken News in 5...4...3...2...
2.
#BrokenNews “Rush Limbaugh
Escalates Battle With Fox News” I haven’t been this excited over a feud since Joanie
bitch slapped Chachi!
o
If you laughed at that, thank you. Also: you’re old.
3.
#BrokenNews “Fugitive
Captured After Taunting Police On Twitter” #UCantCatchME #UCantCatchME
#UCantCatchME #UCant—hold on, someone’s at the door
4.
#BrokenNews “Cat poop parasites may pose hazard,
study suggests” This from researchers at the WORST RESEARCH LAB
EVER!
o
One of the researchers
has a “Same shit. Different day” coffee mug. His friends thought it was SO
funny to give that to him when he started this job. His friends don’t come
around much anymore. And there hasn’t been COFFEE in that mug for a LONG time
(if you know what I mean). I mean, this guy is a Cat Shit Lab Researcher. Do I
need to spell that out for you? He takes shit from a cat and researches it! There’s
only one person in that lab with a life worse than his: the Cat Shit Lab
Researcher Assistant.
5.
#BrokenNews “House GOP united on
immigration — against Senate, Obama” “We have to protect
Americans who are already here” said not one Native American Republican.
6.
#BrokenNews “NC Sneaks Through Abortion Ban On Motorcycle Bill” You can only get an abortion if you were raped by a motorcycle.
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Now let's take a break and see
if our special guest Eliot
Spitzer has anything to say.
Is Eliot all right? He's looking more
more freaky every minute!
OK, back to the headlines....
7. #BrokenNews “Arabian princess accused of enslaving maids in home” Hey, that’s the “plot” of “Royal Lesbian Sex Slaves” III
and VII!
9.
#BrokenNews “Jim Carrey apologizes to assault-weapon owners” Adding, “I said I was sorry! Please stop pointing your guns
at me!”
Time now for a NEW
installment of WHAT THE HELL IS AMANDA BYNES UP TO THIS WEEK? Brought to you by
Clairol’s new INSANITY Hair Color.
10. #BrokenNews “Amanda Bynes's Wearing
Curious Court Attire” The fact she shows up anywhere dressed in anything is a
major achievement.
11. #BrokenNews “Blue-haired Bynes has bong-toss case delayed” Bynes: “Great! I have time to dye my hair green & get
high.”
12.
#BrokenNews “Presidential proclamation of
affinity for broccoli sparks hashtag hoopla” Joe Biden wonders if you can smoke
‘hashtag hoopla’
o FOX News reports most broccoli
comes from Al Queda. (I did not know that!)
13. #BrokenNews “Gretchen Carlson is Leaving 'Fox and Friends'; Elisabeth
Hasselbeck Her Replacement” Wait!
They’re NOT the same person?
o
I’ll miss Gretchen in the morning with her
strong impassioned defenses of true wholesome American values.
And frequent upskirt shots.
o
The person I feel sorry for at Fox News? Whoever
has to explain this to Brian Kilmeade.
o
Oh, and a correction from Fox News: broccoli does NOT come
from Al-Qaeda.
14. #BrokenNews “Devastating Train Explosion Blamed On Engineer Failing To Set Brakes
Properly” Possibly also a cause: carrying stuff that explodes.
16. #BrokenNews “The Trailer For Lindsay Lohan's New Porn-Ish Movie Is Here” She working her way UP towards actual porn.
17. #BrokenNews “Obama Awards National Medal Of Arts” To a group of very talented people…& George Lucas. (Yeah, I went there.)
o
C’mon, we’re just going to ignore the Star
Wars prequels AND Howard the Duck?
18. #BrokenNews “'King of Queens' star
Leah Remini quits Scientology” Kirstie Alley declares, "Well, I’m still here, dammit!”
Scientologists look away awkwardly.
19. #BrokenNews “Australian
gets 70 months for Wyoming bank heist” One piece of incriminating evidence against the Aussie bank robber: His name was etched on the boomerang he
used in the robbery.
o
Also incriminating: he used a boomerang.
OK, that wraps up this week's Broken News, brought to you by Zimmerman Hoodies! Tell George Zimmerman, "I am a black man but I am unarmed and don't want any trouble" by wearing a Zimmerman Hoodie with the words "I am a black man but I am unarmed and don't want any trouble" etched right on the back in glow in the dark letters so George Zimmerman won't shoot you.**
**Zimmerman Hoodies cannot guarantee George Zimmerman will NOT shoot you.
**Zimmerman Hoodies cannot guarantee George Zimmerman will NOT shoot you.
Before we go, we want to...thank...Eliot Spitzer for dropping by. Eliot, any special plans for the weekend?
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Well, this has been surreal. Thanks for stopping by! And let's do this again sometime, OK? I'll have my people call your people!
___________________________
And Dave-El can also been found on Twitter at https://twitter.com/DayWayLo
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