Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Nick Jr presents: Life Is a Horror House From Which There Is No Escape

Announcer: You're watching Nick Jr. Coming up next is a NEW show that your kids will just love.

  • Cue visual f/x of flowers and swirling rainbows as a light airy song begins to play and the soft, sweet voice of a woman begins to sing.

Woman (very petite, dressed like fairy, swinging over the brightly colored scene below): La La La La! a Horror House--La La La La---From Which---There Is No---Escape! La La La La La La La! 

  • From the swirl of colors, the camera pans down to a set made to look like a spring time garden against a blue, sunny sky.

  • Two impossibly perky people come bounding out into the garden. Both are grinning broadly and dressed in complementary turtlenecks and matching white slacks.

Barry and Sherry: Hi, kids!

Barry: She's Sherry!

Sherry: Hi! And he's Barry!

Barry: We're gonna have fun today as we learn about letter and numbers and the total fallacy that life has any purpose or meaning!

Sherry: And we'll learn about colors too!

Barry: Oooh! Colors! What fun!

Sherry: You know what, Barry?

Barry: Ooooh, are you thinking....?

Sherry: Let's sing...

Barry & Sherry: THE COLOR SONG! 

  • The blue sky background begins to shift as different colors gain prominence as the two sing.

Sherry: There's lots of colors for you to choose!

Barry: So pick your favorite, you have nothing to lose!

Sherry: Except your soul!

Barry:  If you had one!

Sherry (speaking): Ha ha ha! Oh, Barry! You make me laugh! (Singing) Yellow is just like the sun, its shines its light on every one! Rich or poor, boy or girl, that yellow sun is for all the world!

Barry (exclaiming): Unless you work in one of those really cool coal mines!

Sherry (excitedly): Or one of those dimly lit sweatshops!

Barry (smiling): Which is OK because poor people have eyesight like moles and the yellow sun would hurt their eyes!

Sherry (singing): The color of green is so cool, it--- 

  • Sherry stops singing and the perky music stops playing then picks up a depressed trumpet sound as a strangely designed blue puppet creature carrying a coil of rope shambles into view in front of Barry and Sherry.

Barry: Hey, Gloomy Gus!

Gloomy Gus (sadly): Hi, Barry. Hi Sherry.

Sherry: Oh, Gloomy Gus! Why so gloomy?

Gloomy Gus: Life is devoid of hope, joy and any other reason for living.

Barry & Sherry: Awww!

Gloomy Gus: So I'm going to hang myself and put me out of my misery.

Sherry: No, Gus! Don't do it! Don't hang yourself with that rope!

Barry: Sherry's right! Use this rope instead!

  • Barry hands Gus a sturdier looking coil of rope.

Sherry: Yes, it's made of a stronger, more durable polymer material!

Gloomy Gus: Ah, Barry, Sherry. You're such good friends.

Barry: Oh, that's OK, Gloomy Gus!

Sherry: That's what friends are for!

Barry: Hey, let me help you with that slipknot, buddy!

Gloomy Gus: That's a pretty good slipknot, Barry. This should work quite nicely.

  • Gloomy Gus shambles off as Barry and Sherry stand there beaming broad smiles. From off stage comes the sound of a old timey truck horn as Barry & Sherry turn with a start and stare at each other excitedly.

Barry: That sound!

Sherry: That magic sound!

Barry & Sherry: Mailman Mike IS HERE!!

  • Barry and Sherry bound across the garden set to a fence where an old battered mail truck is parked and beside it stands a thin, lanky older gentleman in a post office uniform.

Barry: Yay! Mailman Mike!

Mailman Mike (spryly): Ah, Sherry and Barry! How are you young people today?

Sherry: Doing great, Mailman Mike, now that YOU'RE here!

Barry: What wonderful packages and letters do you have for us today?

Mailman Mike: Oh now, children, you know all I have these days is junk mail and bills.

Sherry: Well, anything AT ALL is a pleasure to receive from Mailman Mike!

Mailman Mike: You're sweet to say that, Sherry. But the United States Post Office is not long for the world and I may be out of a job with no pension.

Barry & Sherry (cocking their heads to one side in unison): Awww.

Barry: I hate to see you sad, Mailman Mike.

Sherry: You just need to find a bright side, Mailman Mike!

Mailman Mike: A bright side, eh? Well, if I'm lucky, the terminal cancer in my liver will kill me before I'm out of work.

Barry (brightly): That's the spirit, Mailman Mike!

Sherry (beaming): See! There's a bright side to everything!

Mailman Mike: Well, thanks for the chat, you two.

Barry: Anytime!

Sherry: No problem!

Barry & Sherry: Bye, Mailman Mike!

  • As Mailman Mike, clearly in pain, shuffles off towards stage left, Barry and Sherry turn away from the fence towards stage right to head back to the center of the garden.

Barry: That Mailman Mike is something, isn't he, Sherry?

Sherry: You betcha, Barry! Working at a dead end job in a dying industry! Wow! How neat!

Barry: And don't forget the terminal cancer!

Sherry: Ooooh, cancer! Yeah!

  • Barry and Sherry face the camera, smiling soft, pleasant smiles.

Barry (smiling warmly): Kids, it's always good to remember the blessings in life. Whether its the drudgery of working at a spirit crushing job....

Sherry (smiling sweetly): Or the excruciating pain of a life-ending disease, always....

Barry & Sherry (smiling way too much): COUNT...YOUR...BLESSINGS!

  • Barry reaches down to pick up an acoustic guitar while Sherry retrieves a tambourine.
Barry (beginning to strum the guitar): I want to share with you a very important word: options.

Sherry: Options is another word for "choices".

Barry (still strumming, looking sincere): If you're feeling low, you can just lay there and be sad...

Sherry (very energetic): Or you can decide to take action and do something about it!

  • Off camera, we hear Gloomy Guy forlornly cry out, "Goodbye, cruel world!" followed by sound EFX of SHUNK! and SNAP! Meanwhile, Barry serenely strums his guitar while Sherry stares straight ahead, eyes sparkling and white teeth blinding.

Barry: OK, kids, let's finish off with a little song! Care to join me, Sherry?

Sherry: Why, I thought you would never ask!

  • Barry & Sherry laugh.

  • Barry & Sherry singing in harmony, soft tempo.

You think you don't matter and no one listens to you.
(Barry: No they don't. Sherry: Uh huh)
You think life is stupid and you're always feeling very blue.
(Barry: Yeah you are. Sherry: Whatcha gonna do?)
Well, we've got a little news we'd like to give
And its gonna help you know just how. To. Live.

  • Music tempo is faster now

  • Barry and Sherry still singing together, faster now. And still smiling and acting perky.

Life is pointless pointless pointless!
Life is pointless pointless pointless!
Life is pointless pointless pointless everyday!

There's nothing left for you but gloom and doom!
I don't know why you bother to leave your room!

Life is pointless pointless pointless!
Life is pointless pointless pointless!
Life is pointless pointless pointless everyday!

Barry: Bye, kids!

Sherry: See you next time!

  • Barry and Sherry skip through the garden to exit the scene as the camera pans up from the garden back to the visual f/x of flowers and swirling rainbows as we hear the sweet voice of the woman singing the theme song as she swings back into frame in her fairy costume. 
Woman: La La La La! a Horror House--La La La La---From Which---There Is No---Escape! La La La La La La La! 


Please post any complaints regarding using depression and suicide as punch lines to either the comments below or come to Twitter at and tell me there. 

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