Friday, July 19, 2013

Broken News For Friday, July 19, 2013

 Hello, Internet People!

It is I, the great and powerful Dave-El*

*Oops! Forgot my meds!

And welcome to the blog that brings ebony AND ivory together in perfect harmony, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You.

It's Friday and that means another installment of How To Inflict Pain On Total, I mean, a new installment of this weekly semi-humorous look at the headlines I like to call Broken News

Tonight, Broken News is brought to you by the newest theme park attraction in the United States, Post-Apocalyptic Adventure Land!**   

**Formerly known as Detroit. 

And now...Broken News!

In 5....



#BrokenNews “Snowden Reportedly Applies For Temporary Asylum In Russia” Ed Snowden, meet Cruel Irony.

#BrokenNews “Spitzer Misses Deadline To File Ethics Report” Easily fixed…if you know the right person to bribe.
#BrokenNews “Key Obama Nominee Moves Forward” Mitch McConnell shouts, “Seize him, you fools! He’s getting away!!”

#BrokenNews “Jury selected to try Fort Hood shooting suspectDefense says they might try that “Stand Your Ground” thing. It could work!
Hey, here's some news from Comic-Con!

” “Are you comfortable?” “Are you really comfortable?”   

We'll check in with Harrison Ford later in the post.
#BrokenNews “Commissioner Bud Selig insists baseball 'is cleaner than ever'The players are spritzed with Febreze twice a day.

#BrokenNews “Newspaper heir stole $3.6M, spent it on porn stars  I love a story with a happy ending.

#BrokenNews “Juror B37: Zimmerman 'Justified' In Shooting Trayvon” Adding, “C’mon, do the math: Black kid…In a hoodie…with SKITTLES?!”

Wake up, America! Here's the REAL danger!

#BrokenNews ”4 Jurors Distance Themselves From Juror B37 “ “No, Juror B37, we don’t think George Zimmerman is ‘dreamy’.”
#BrokenNews “Obama Calls For Review Of 'Stand Your Ground' Laws” Mitch McConnell calls for tougher restrictions for hoodies & Skittles.

#BrokenNews “56 Skulls Found Inside Man's Home” Woo-hoo! My skull collection record is still unbroken! Er! Ahem! I mean, this is so totally sick, disgusting.
 OK, let's check back with Harrison Ford at Comic-Con as he asked more questions:
“You’re sure you’re comfortable?” “You know you don’t look comfortable?”      

Mr. Ford doesn't look too happy, does he?

OK, we move on to North Korea.....

#BrokenNews “Kim Jong Un Incredibly Pleased With Mushroom Farm” He pretends the mushrooms are lots & lots of little clouds.

#BrokenNews “Doctor Diagnoses Woman With 'Ghetto Booty'” The doctor had an attack of “honky brain”.

#BrokenNews “Obama's New Health Care Offensive” Multi-vitamins shot from drones

#BrokenNews “Perry Signs Extreme Abortion Bill” You can only get an abortion while bungee jumping

#BrokenNews “GOP Lawmaker Calls For An End To Mandatory Education” Adding, “Look, the people who voted for me aren’t getting anything from it.”

#BrokenNews “White Man Guilty In Fatal Shooting Of Black 13-Year-Old” See, there’s equality: even white guys can get a sucky lawyer.

#BrokenNews “Texas Introduces 6-Week Abortion Ban” Next up for Texas: a ban on miscarriage and installing an express lane for death row.

#BrokenNews “Judge Challenges Obama Administration Over Drone Strikes” Obama challenges judge to a wrestling match: “I AM THE DRONEMASTER!”

#BrokenNews “Senators Press Putin To Send Back Snowden” Vlad Putin! Vlad Putin! Send Snowden back scootin’! (Hey, this COULD catch on.)

#BrokenNews “15 Things That Guys Are Insecure About” And no, it's not our penis. Well, not for me. I'm not bragging. At my age, I’m just happy it’s still there.

All right, let's check in one more time with Harrison Ford at Comic-Con where it appears the question and answer session may be about over:

"Why aren't you comfortable? Have you ever been comfortable? Hey, you're glowing red! Why are-"

Readers, it appears we have lost our link to Comic-Con and the Harrison Ford Q&A session. I'm sure it's just a minor glitch and Harrison Ford has not gone ballistic and killed someone. Again.


OK, that's that for tonight's edition of Broken News, brought to you by Post-Apocalyptic Adventure Land!***

***Formerly known as Detroit.  

Coming this week, it's the Main Street Trash Can Fire Parade and the debut of the new thrill ride, Run For Your Life! And coming soon: The Walking Dead!+

+Not associated with the TV show or comic book by Robert Kirkman. know, we'd rather not talk about it.

Dave-El can also be found on Twitter at where I am sure Harrison Ford is not comfortable.


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