Tuesday, July 23, 2013

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor#9

Dave-El here! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the leading blog for treating pattern baldness.


Hello to all you boys and girls out there.  And a special 'allo to the royal baby of William and Kate.
Ah, think about this little tyke, third in line for the British throne. But believe it or not, it's not a done deal. No, there's rigorous training involved for the royal wee one. When he's older, he'll have to learn the family business, working in the mail room and cleaning out the dungeon. Eventually he'll work his way up the ladder from Assistant Prince to Vice-King before he gets the big job itself. But the struggle up that ladder will be worth it. I mean, he won't have the power to have people thrown in the Tower of London to be tortured or beheaded but I'm sure there will be other fun King stuff to do. 


Well, on to business. As I've noted before, producing a quality blog of witty and insightful commentary doesn't come cheap. Or so I'm told. Me, all I know is from the shit I post here. But we still need money. So that means we need sponsors. Which means we need to run a commercial once in a while to pay the bills.


So today, we present an ALL NEW text commercial from an old commercial sponsor of this blog.

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The scene opens up with footage from an MTV Music  Video Awards show. Taylor Swift has taken the stage to accept an award.
 
Taylor: First of all, I want to thank my manager and....
 
Suddenly, she is cut off as Kanye West bounds on stage.
 
Kanye: Sorry, I don't mean no disrespect but  Beyoncé's "Single Ladies" was the best video of all time!

Image pulls back and we see the awards footage is on a TV screen as Taylor Swift stands to the side.

Taylor: Hi, I’m Taylor Swift and you may recall when this happened to me at the 2010 MTV Music Video Awards. I experienced what is called "An Act of Kanye West".

Enter Mike Meyers.

Mike: And I’m Mike Meyers and I too had my own encounter with "An Act of Kanye West". Who could forget this awkward moment at the Hurricane Katrina charity event. 
 
Mike and Taylor turn to the TV screen as we see a scene of Kanye standing next to Mike.

Kanye: George Bush hates black people!
 
Mike takes a step back and looks very, very uncomfortable.

 
The shot pulls out again as Taylor and Mike turn from the screen to face the camera, both shaking their heads and looking solemn.

Mike:  It was a terrible moment but it didn’t have to be, right, Taylor?

Taylor: Absolutely! Both Mike and I could have spared ourselves this kind of anguish if we had purchased a policy protecting us from Kanye West. The kind of policy offered by…

Mike and Taylor: American Glory.

Mike: That’s right: American Glory. The world’s leading insurance provider that offers protection from whippersnappers, vampires and the Spanish Inquisition can also provide coverage against "Acts of Kanye West".

Taylor: But is Kanye West insurance right for you? You may be surprised how often "Acts of Kanye West" occur.

Scene A:  A podium at a long table with a white table cloth, elegant stem ware and dishes, everyone in formal attire.  A well dressed man in a suit is about to make a presentation to another well dressed man.

Man: So it is with pride and affection that we present this trophy to Bob on the occasion of his retirement after 38 years of loyal service to-

Kanye West interjects himself between the two men.

Kanye: I don’t mean no disrespect but we know Beyonce  should get this retirement trophy.
 
Everyone looks alarmed and the retiree looks crestfallen as his great moment has been ruined.
 
Taylor (VO): Poor Bob! 38 years of hard work to have THIS happen!

Scene B: A children’s birthday party, kids of about 5 or 6 years old as the birthday girl is sitting in front of a cake as her friends gather around.

Mike (in VO): You never know when Kanye West may strike.

Kids singing: Happy birthday, dear Madison! Happy birth-

Kanye rises up from under the table and snatches the cake.

Kanye: I don’t mean no disrespect but this birthday cake should really be going to Beyoncé!
 
Kids begin screeching with alarm as the birthday girl begins to cry.
 




Cut back to the set with Taylor and Mike as Beyoncé enters.

Beyonce: Hi! I’m Beyonce! And I urge you  to please consider American Glory as your insurance choice to protect yourself from all kinds of "Acts of Kanye West".

Scene C: Kanye West at a store opening surrounded by a large crowd.

Beyonce (in VO): Even if you know he’s there, there’s no telling what Kanye West might say or do.
 
Kanye: Before I cut the ribbon on this new Starbucks, let me just say that Barack Obama hates all white people, in case you didn't know.



Cut back to Taylor, Mike and Beyoncé.

Taylor: So be prepared with American Glory.
 
Mike: For as little as $5.00 a month, American Glory can offer you peace of mind in a world where "Acts of Kanye West" can occur at any time, at any place. 

Beyonce: Just $5.00 for protection from when Kanye might do this

Scene D:  A wedding. A bride and groom in front of a minister.

Minister: Does anyone have just cause why this two should not be joined in holy matrimony?

 
Bride throw back veil and reveals self as Kanye West,

Kanye (to the groom): I don’t mean no disrespect but you know you should be marrying Beyonce instead. (Looking at camera) And Mike Meyers has warts on his dick, y'all!




Cut back to the set.

Mike (angry): What, that lying so and-

Taylor (arm on his shoulder): Hey, Mike, don’t let him bother you.

Beyonce: Have you forgotten?

Mike (face relaxes to a smile and he holds up a card): Right! I have this! (Card  has “American Glory Kanye West Protection Plan for Mike Meyers")

Taylor (she holds out her card): And you better believe I have one too!

Beyoncé (holding out her card) : And so do I.

Taylor: So remember American Glory.

Mike: Because Kanye West is out there.

Beyoncé: And American Glory wants to help. 
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 Well, how do you like that? A new commercial from American Glory! Great to see you guys again!*
 
*Note to self: check with lawyers, make sure we're not on the hook for any of this shit.
 
In case you're curious...or masochistic...or both, here are links to the previous American Glory commercials posted on this blog.  
 
 
So remember: for $5.00 a month, American Glory will do ANYTHING!**
 
**Except that.***
 
***That'll cost you $8.00.****
 
****OK, we LIKE you. $7.00.
 
Thanks for popping by I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You. Come by tomorrow when we've something...
 
Funny?
 
Amazing?
 
Inspiring?
 
OK, it will be some...thing...more or less.
 
Be good to one another.
 
Dave-El
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Dave-El can also be found on Twitter at https://twitter.com/DayWayLo where I get my sexy back as  (Well, if it works for Anthony Weiner...) 

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