Monday, April 22, 2013

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor#5

 Hello! Dave-El here and thanks for dropping by the blog known inexplicably as I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, a bold and daring blog that isn't afraid to "stick it to the man"*.

*Sorry, I recently watched an episode of Adam-12 on ME TV. Man, Reed and Malloy had to deal with some real far out happening cats, you dig?**

**Hopefully this will wear off soon.***

***Oh, good! It has.

Here at I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, it is my promise to you, the loyal internet reader, to provide you with high quality comedy and insightful thinking. And as anyone can tell who has actually read this blog, I am extraordinarily bad at keeping my promises.

But I do keep trying your patience but to do that, I need support, financial support from a commercial sponsor, a sponsor with a strong reputation for integrity and first class service.

Or we can run another spot from American Glory.

"American Glory: Let other guys insure your life, home and car. We'll insure the rest of your shit."

They are such a class act. And they will insure anything for as little as $5.00 a month. How can do that? They have no overhead...or standards...or values..or an actual working business model...or a clue...or...

Oh, let's run the commercial already!


Scene: a sparsely furnished room as if designed by a cost cutting animation studio.

SHAGGY (runs in frantically holding a piece of paper in his hands): Zoinks! We are in big trouble! Scoob?! Scoob! Oh, man, Scooby Doo, where are you?

SCOOBY (bounding in): Shraggy?

SHAGGY: Oh, man! This is a most, like, urgent situation!

SCOOBY: Scooby snack?

SHAGGY: No, man! I’m so messed up right now, I can’t think about a Scooby snack!

SCOOBY: No Scooby snack? Ruh-roh!!

SHAGGY: Oh man, I wish, like, Fred, Daphne or Thelma were here, man! They’d, like, know what to do.

SCOOBY (poses heroically): Scooby-scooby-dooooo!!

SHAGGY: Zoinks, Scoob! I don’t think you can, like, save the day this time, man!

SCOOBY (confused): Ru-Huh?!

SHAGGY: You know that last case we were on, man, the one with that , like, creepy phantom haunting that old amusement park?

SCOOBY (nodding agreement): Ruh-huh!

SHAGGY: And it turns out the phantom was really old man Jenkins?

SCOOBY (nodding agreement): Ruh-huh!

SHAGGY: He was just, like, pretending to be a phantom to scare off people so he could, like, buy the place dirt cheap!

SCOOBY (nodding agreement): Ruh-huh!

SHAGGY (shaking the paper in his hand): But zoinks, now old man Jenkins is, like, suing us!

SCOOBY (confused): Ru-Huh?!

SHAGGY: Turns out old man Jenkins says he had an official permit from the county that gave him, like, the a-OK to dress as a phantom and haunt old amusement parks and stuff.

SCOOBY (indignant, shaking head no): Thrat’s strupid!

SHAGGY: Oh, man, that’s like, the stupidest thing ever in the history of stupid things! But zoinks, Scoob! He had a permit and he’s going to sue us and take the Mystery Machine!

SCOOBY (in denial): Ruh-Huh!

SHAGGY: And all our Scooby snacks!

SCOOBY (really alarmed now): Scrooby snacks? Ruh-roh!! (begins to howl!)

SHAGGY: Oh, man, like…. (joins Scooby in howling)

AGENT (entering): Don’t worry! American Glory is here to help!

SCOOBY (confused): Ru-Huh?!

SHAGGY (confused as well): Like, who are you, man?

AGENT: I’m your American Glory agent! And you have nothing to worry about!

SHAGGY: I don’t, like, see how, man! Zoinks, old man Jenkins’ going to sue and take, like, all our stuff, man!

SCOOBY: Yeah! Brankruptcy!

AGENT: No, no! Early on in your career, your friend Thelma had to foresight to take out a crucial insurance policy for your group.

SHAGGY: Insurance?

SCOOBY: Insurance?

AGENT: Yes, malpractice insurance for meddling kids! (turns towards the camera). Every year, a variety of amusement parks and carnivals are beset by twisted criminals dressed as phantoms, ghosts, spirits, specters and other phantasms in convoluted schemes to drive down property values.

SHAGGY: I mean, zoinks, man, it happens more often than you think!

SCOOBY: Ruh-huh!

AGENT: And these fiends would get away with it too if it weren’t for these meddling kids. American Glory’s meddling kids malpractice coverage allows them to continue to ferret out fraudulent phantoms with security and peace of mind for only $5.00 a month!

SHAGGY: Zoinks, Scoob! $5.00 wouldn’t cover our Scooby snack budget thru lunch!

SCOOBY: Hee hee hee hee hee!

AGENT: So remember American Glory! Because fake phantoms are haunting old amusement parks everywhere…and meddling kids have to stop them.

SCOOBY (poses heroically again): Scooby-scooby-dooooo!!

SHAGGY (arm around Scooby): Yeah, like, thanks, American Glory!


So I was dating this girl who said she had a sex fantasy where she and a guy were dressed like Daphne and Fred from Scooby-Doo. Daphne would be all tied up and stuff and Fred would come to the rescue and they'd do it really hot and heavy, oh yeah. I thought it sounded kind of hot until she told me she wanted to be Fred and I would have to dress as Daphne. Yeah, that was kinda weird and I made it clear I wasn't into that freaky stuff and I wouldn't do anything like know, more than two or three--what? The commercial's over? Oh.

Welcome back, kids!

OK, once again I want to thank our...hold on, let me check something....

Banking app...enter user name....password....access account activity...looks like the check cleared...good.

I want to thank our sponsor, American Glory! Remember American Glory: If you think it's too stupid to be insured, American Glory will insure it!

Thank you for dropping by! Come back tomorrow to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You for something really cool some shit I made up at the last moment.

And I don't want to forget my other sponsor for my Twitter posts (, Summer's Eve Industrial Glue. If you want to hold on to something really tight, think Summer's Eve Industrial Glue. And look for the BRAND NEW Summer's Eve Industrial Solvent with your choice of lemon scented or classic sandalwood.


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