Sunday, April 28, 2013

Really BAD Comics#2

Hello, everyone!
As I mentioned in the blog on Thursday, April 25th ("Until the Cows Come Home"), I'm studying for a really tricky and boring exam on financial services management. The fact that I have not actually taken my own life by now owes a lot to the fact that I'm too damn tired to make that effort.
So in the interest of thinking about stuff other than staffing formulas, risk assessment strategies and how to screw the boss's wife without getting caught (I drifted off at one point so that last one is probably not true), I'm putting my amazing barely adequate brain power to work on creating a sequel to a blog I did back on March 21st, "Really BAD Comics".
Why come up with ideas for more really bad comic books? As a public service to the hard working guys and gals at DC Comics Entertainment who have committed to this NEW 52 thing; well, as a brand at least as the actual numbers of titles per month have recently been below 52. Still, DC has a lot of books to put out and may need some ideas. But instead of pushing "great" new series only to deliver something that sucks, my concepts streamline the process. We can save time and money by going straight to the suckitude(Hey, this management exam I'm preparing for is already paying off!)
This also benefits Marvel because they're sure as hell not gonna let DC publish more books than them as we can see from this behind the scenes transcript of Marvel's Editor In Chief. (There's no information if anyone else was actually in the room or not.)
  • Axel Alonso chomping on a cigar, a la J. Jonah Jameson: "DC's putting out about 50 books a month! Not good! NOT GOOD!. We gotta beat that number. How often is Avengers coming out? Weekly? Damn it, not good enough! Tell Hickman I want to see a new issue every 3 days. You heard me! And tell that sonuvabitch Dan Slott if I don't see Spider-Man coming out hourly, I'll hire 50 monkeys to replace him! What do you mean I can't do that? I'm the EIC of Marvel Comics! Defying the laws of physics? Ha! I never studied law! OK, different tack. We need some new books! I want 'em fast. Don't care if they're good. In fact, don't even pretend they're good.We just need to publish more comics than DC!"
So, DC and/or Marvel, if you need comic book ideas and you don't care about quality, well step right up and see what kind of selection we have for today.
1.  Immoveable     A exciting series about a young hero who will not be moved...literally. Yep, that's his super power: he will stand in one spot for as long as it takes until all innocents know peace and the guilty are brought to justice...presumably by other people, the police maybe?
+Immoveable is the grandson of that classic hero, Capt. Standstill, now known as Capt. Bed Ridden.
2.  The Inconsolable Sulk     If you think the world is doomed, the Sulk will tell you in exactly how many ways the world is in fact doomed and then will sit in a pool of his own tears. With his immense power and stupendous strength the Sulk is tell you he can't cure cancer.
+The Inconsolable Sulk is married to The Hormonal She-Sulk.
3.  Y-Men?     An action packed series set among the bars and night clubs of Manhattan, 4 super powered women (and their gay friend, Mascotti) fight against chaos and confusion as they struggle with the Cosmo chilling question: Why men? What is the big deal about having a penis? Why must they desire men so? These super females are bound by a blood oath: "We don't need men in our lives to be happy and complete."
+This series also has a spin off book set 10 years in the future called The Frantic Four as these same women decide, "Fuck this! We need a man! We need a man NOW! Hell, even Mascotti's married!"
4.  Hairless Offenders     They're BOLD! And they're BALD! Also they SMELL BAD! Bad guys beware: you do NOT want to stand down wind of these guys in pursuit of crime or they'll aim their bodacious baldness in your direction to blind you with the glare from their heads* and knock you out with their bad guy battlin' B.O. 
*Assuming it's a really sunny day.

+Let's be upfront about this, okay? This series has ZERO possibilities for any solo spin offs!

5.  The Flush     Plumbing the depths of evil, crack reporter Troy Toilet is always looking for the straight poop with the help of his super-powered alter ego, The Flush. Porcelain City is kept safe by the Brown Bolter as he fights evil villians like the Scum, the Floater and the Back Up. Never fear, citizens: The Flush will never rest until everyone is free from the clog of crime!

+Look for the debut of The Flush's new sidekick, Kid Flush! If "urine" a lot of trouble, the Golden Streak will whiz to your aid.

Well, that's 5 pretty good really bad ideas. I'm sure Bob Harras or Axel Alonso will be knocking on my door any minute now.**
**More likely it's a court official delivering a restraining order against Dave-El filed by both men.

See ya at the funny book store!

Dave-El can also be found at that spinner rack of social media, Twitter, at:

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