For Your Education: Super Power Practice

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Yeah, I know it's Saturday but really, every day is a good day to learn, right?

So I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You introduces a NEW feature:

For Your Education

 

Today's installment: Super Power Practice

Part of the text for today's lesson by the interminable Professor Dave-El is derived from a smaller presentation of this vital and important subject through Twitter.
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Today, I want to present a few techiques for manipulating most energy powers that you may, against the most amazingly insurmountable odds, obtain from any number of impossible, extraordinary events but you still want to be prepared for because...you never know.


Sometimes I randomly stick my arm out as if shooting energy beams from my hand; if I ever get energy shooting powers, I want to be prepared for even the most basic use of my extremely unlikely super powers.

• It's not just about thrusting out your arm but developing a quick readiness to bring that power to use against an attacking super villian or alien threat. This is why it's important to make this exercise as random as possible. Be prepared at a second's notice to energy zap a baddie or a beastie anywhere at anytime: at the movies, in church, during an office presentation, even while dancing. (You can fold your energy blasting practice into doing a riff on John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.)  It may look strange to some people but if you should possibly against all the known laws of science and probability get energy powers and are called upon to shoot blasts at attacking enemies, those people will be glad you practiced. And so will you.

 
Sometimes I ball my hand into a fist in case those energy powers come from an alien power ring. You can't be too prepared for this sort of thing.

• Also, if the energy beams shoot from a wrist mounted advanced alien or futuristic device, still employ the fist method. It helps to minimize the risk of frying your  own outstretched fingertips as your own energy blast  shoots over your own hand.

• (There's a lot to think about which is why it's important to practice these sorts of things early and often.)

 
Stretching out BOTH arms is great for practicing my "blasting all my energy until I can't take it anymore" manuever, also called "The Marv Wolfman"* as demonstrated frequently in Crisis on Infinite Earths. Be sure to force all your will through your fingertips during this practice. Perhaps say things like "I'm...blasting with all..my power. Not sure how much longer... can go on. But must not...give...up!"

*Also acceptable is "The Chris Claremont".
 
Both arms stretched out in front is also good practice in case I get flying powers. Unlike energy powers practice, there's less butt clenching involved with flying practice.

• We'll discuss this later in the section on what to do if you get the power of flight but let me stress now: it is possible to practice for the flying powers you might however unlikely obtain without actually jumping off anything. And NO TOWELS OR BEDSHEETS FOR CAPES! You don't want to look stupid while doing your super powers practice.

 
I've been focusing on the hands as a way of practicing wielding the energy that you, however remotely impossible, may find yourself with. Pointing hands is not an exclusive way of projecting energy powers but 95% of energy blasts come from the hands**.

**Survey from August 3112, Legion of Super Heroes

But what about practicing for other means of projecting energy powers? You may ask, do I practice shooting energy beams out of other areas like armpits***, toes or belly button? No, that's just plain silly & would be a complete waste of my time. The practice of hypothetical super powers must be taken seriously.
 
***It does look stupid. See the Fairly Oddparents Darkness Trilogy.

And I don't practice shooting energy out of my penis but after years of urinating, I think I'm OK if I get energy powers that come out there. Most guys are pretty good at targeting that little bar of soap in the urinals.

• If you feel the need to improve that skill, drink a gallon of Gatorade and schedule some time at the liquid waste disposal device of your choice and/or convenience.

Now, if you are a woman and your energy powers come out of your vagina, well, that's just unfortunate.

And for men AND women, if those speculative energy powers were to come out of your ass, I have to admit I'm not well versed on practicing for that but I believe that there are Fartman videos from Howerd Stern**** that may be educational on the subject of ass directing energy blasts.

****Disclaimer: Dav-El, the blog I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You and it's attendant features including this educational program are not affiliated in any way with Howard Stern or his Fartman persona. The parties associated with this blog receive NO compensaton for this referral. Which sucks.
 
Now, there is one other area where energy beams can be shot out from your person and that is your eyes.  My favorite practice for this is where I lower my glasses***** in a firm, determined manner and give an intense gaze from my eyes; this helps with energy eye beams AND X-Ray vision practice.

• Rookie mistake: squinting. This actually impedes the output of energy in the event vision powers actually existed and could be expelled from the eyes without blasting your eye sockets to utter ruin.

 ***** You don't have glasses? Get glasses! Do I have to think of everything? 

Now as we come to the end of this session, you may ask yourself, why practice for super powers you don't have yet and in all likelihood may never get.  And remember,  I don't actually HAVE these super powers either and I know I will likely never get them. But what if....WHAT IF...I did? This practice is JUST IN CASE I get them. And that is vitally important.

• I'm not going be the guy who energy zaps his cat if I get super powers.

• Who wants to be the schmuck who blows up a museum the first time you go out to fight the forces of evil?

• And trust me, NO ONE wants the angst that goes with accidentally frying a girlfriend or boyfriend (but usually a girlfriend) and THEN only learning afterwards how to use those powers properly for the cause of justice in dedication to his or her memory. You may proclaim that they will not have died in vain but they may not have died at all if you had only put forth the time and effort to practice for the use of energy blasts or other super powers that through whatever sub-microscopic chance may be inconceivably bestowed upon you.

 
You want to be secure in the use of your energy powers from day one and these practices will help you do that. I know I want to be READY TO GO to fight evil & save Earth with the powers I might get from a meteor, radiation, chemical goo, mystic artifact, etc. Just because this is all incredibly improbable does not mean you should not make sure you're ready for it.
 
So I urge you to practice your super powers BEFORE you get them so if you do, you already have the training to be SUPER...at being SUPER!

Class dismissed.
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