No, wait, hold on.
(ahem)
My name is Dave-El and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the only blog that contains the FDA recommended daily allowance of whole grains and oats.
Now you may wonder what goes on here at I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You. (Also known as ISGMSAY for short. Helpful hint: If want to score with a babe at a party or bar by pretending to be a European spy/fashion model, "Isgmsay" makes a great name to use. Just don't use it in Ft. Wayne, IN. There are...people...looking for "Isgmsay" there.)
Where was I? Oh, yeah....
You may wonder what goes on here at I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You and quite frankly, your guess is as good as mine. Really, I have no idea.
But whatever it is, it don't come cheap so I need commercial sponsorship. So bear with me while I present another text commercial from American Glory! American Glory's motto is: "You need insurance? You got $5? You got insurance."
And they will insure against anything.
(I mean, really, what is their business model? How does this company actually work?)
So help me keep the lights on in this dump and follow the latest commercial from American Glory!
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Scene: a modest but tastefully decorated kitchen as a man in his mid-40’s paces the floor with a phone pressed to his ear.
Bill (on the phone, starts off a bit bored but grow more exasperated as the call progresses): My address? 123 Maple Lane. (pause) Maple. (pause) M-A-P-L-E (pause) L-A-N-E. (pause) My date of birth: 12-11-1980. (pause) The last 4 digits of my social security number? 9-8-7-6 (pause) My mother’s maiden name? Renfield (pause) My pet’s name? Really? (pause) Mr. Wiskerston. (pause) Yes, Wiskerton. Really, what’s with all these questions? I mean, I called just to transfer some funds from my savings to my checking! It seems like a very simple exercise. I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition!
[A red cloaked figure jumps into the scene bombastically.]
Inquisitor: Ah HA! No one expects the Spanish Inquisition. Because my chief weapon is Surprise! And Fear! Surprise and Fear! Two chief weapons!
Bill (a bit startled at first but quickly recovers and seems more annoyed than frightened. To the person on the phone..) I’ll call back later. (Bill hangs up, then looks thru some papers in a kitchen drawer.)
Inquisitor (continuing): Surprise and fear! And ruthless efficiency! THREE, yes three chief weapons! Surprise! Fear! Ruthless efficiency! And my bright red cape! Blast it! OK, amongst my weaponry are such diverse elements as surprise….
Bill (interrupting, barely acknowledging the Inquisitor): Could you hold on just a moment please?
[Inquisitor stops and looks puzzled as Bill is clearly not afraid of him.)
Bill (finds a sheet of paper and hands it to the Inquisitor): Here! Read this!
Inquisitor: "This is to insure the holder of this policy against any modern outbreak of, or interference by, the Spanish Inquisition as guaranteed by...American Glory?"
Spokesperson: [Entering.] That's right! American Glory!
Inquisitor: Egad! This is unexpected.
Spokesperson: In the 15th century, Cardinal Ximenez of Spain gave order for the Spanish Inquisition to seek out heresy and render immediate and terrible punishment. Of course that was 600 years ago, but you never know…maybe someone in the Inquisition did not get the memo, like this poor little fellow!"
Inquisitor (offended): Hey!
Spokesperson: That's where American Glory comes in!
Bill : And thank you, American Glory!
Spokesperson: No problem! For as little as $5.00 a month, we can offer protection from the ruthless Spanish Inquisition so you can rest comfortably without fear of persecution!
Inquisitor: Oh, nuts! [Sighs.] What’s a poor, unemployed Inquisitor to do these days?
Spokesperson: Maybe a career in telemarketing?
Inquisitor: Ah! The idea has merit! Would I still be able to use my dungeon?
Spokesperson: Why, yes!
Inquisitor (brings fingertips together wickedly): Excellent! (exits, laughing maniacally)
Spokesperson: So remember American Glory! Because we DO expect the Spanish Inquisition....and they could be everywhere!
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...
The...Spanish...Inquisition. Really.
(ahem!)
OK, thank you, American Glory, for supporting my blog and for providing such a....unique...insurance service.
(Have we checked to make sure this is legal? We're not going to get sued by Micheal Palin or haunted by Graham Chapman, are we?)
OK, thanks for dropping by I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You or ISGMSAY to your mysterious European friends. (Remember, "Isgmsay" MUST stay clear of Ft. Wayne, IN. Oh, and also avoid anyone calling himself "The Dwarf".)
Take care!
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and you can also follow me on Twitter at https://twitter.com/DayWayLo, brought to you by Summer's Eve Motor Oil. Make sure your engine is purring like a pussy cat with Summer's Eve Motor Oil, available at AutoZone and Walgreens.
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