A high level of quality intellectual discourse and witty observations don't come cheap. And neither does this crap I post on I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You.
So this blog has a commercial sponsor in the form of American Glory! American Glory is an insurance company that will insure nearly anything. Their moto: "Insure what? What the hell, why not? We'll insure it!"
Coming up next is their latest commerical. What weird ass thing will American Glory insure this time? Let's find out!
A vampire enters a dimly lit room where a young women sits in an ornate chair by a fire.
Vampire: Wook, Wenfield! A new fwesh neck to satisfy my wust for bwood!
Renfield (following): Yesssss, Master! She will be quite a tasty morsel! Heh! Heh! Heh!
Vampire and Renfield slowly approach the woman.
Vampire: This wovewy wady does not suspect the fate that is to befaw her.
Renfield: Yesssss, Master! Sssssoon you shall feasssst!
Vampire (stops short): Oh no! This can’t be!
Renfield: What isssss it, Master?
Vampire: This woman, she is pwotected.
Renfield: By garlic?
Vampire: No, worse than garlic!
Renfield: A sun lamp?
Vampire: No, worse than a sun lamp!
Renfield (pauses for a moment): Garlic under a sun lamp?
Vampire (twist his face in disgust) Eww! And no, worse than that!
Renfield: Then what, Master?
Vampire: She has (pause) an anti-vampire policy from Amewican Gwowy!
Renfield: American Glory?
Spokesperson (entering): Yes, American Glory!
Vampire (startled): Egads! Another cweature of the night!
Renfield: No, worsssssse! An American Glory spokesperson.
Spokesperson: You have insurance to protect you if your Blu-Ray player gets stolen. Why not get insurance to protect your blood from being stolen?Well, you can have peace of mind with American Glory's anti-vampire policy!
Renfield (frantic): Destroy him, Master!
Vampire holds his hands upraised as if to attack but he is warded off.
Vampire: His magic, Wenfield! It's too stwong!
Spokesperson: For as little as $5.00 a month, American Glory can protect you from Dracula....
Vampire (insulted): Ha! Dwacuwa was a hamster!
Renfield (also insulted): Hiss! And he smelled of elderberriessssssss!
Spokesperson: Or any other vampire.And if you have a teenage daughter, you can add a child rider to your policy to protect against those brooding, sexy vampires like they have in those Twilight movies.
Renfield (excited): Oooh, ooh, I really like Twilight! Let'ssssss rent one of the movies from Netflix. (hurriedly leaves the room)
Vampire (shocked): Wenfield, no! (rushes after Renfield)
Spokesperson (walks out the door to the outside): So remember American Glory!
The shadows of the Vampire and Renfield are seen running up a hill in the moonlight.
Vampire: At least tell me you you’re not on Team Jacob! Bella’s too good for him!
Spokesperson: Because vampires...are everywhere!
I'll tell you these commercials are getting lamer every week. We are cashing the checks, right? They're not bouncing or...what? What's that? We're what? We're back?
AND WE'RE BACK!
Our most sincere appreciation to our magnificient sponsor, American Glory. Anti-Vampire Insurance? Ha! I'd like to see Progressive or Geico do THAT!
From the financial support of our sponsor, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You can remain a vibrant and growing presence on the Internet in my most self-delusional day dreams!
Come back tomorrow! There's a new post EVERY day here at I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You and an actually good post every 5 or 6 days. (Your mileage may vary.)