Wednesday, March 13, 2013

A Special Toast for a White Trash Wedding

I’ve been asked to deliver a toast at the wedding of my third cousin. There are a couple of problems with that. One is that I will not be able to attend the wedding. Actually, I don’t know when the wedding will be, I just know I will be busy…then. Still, the family is insistent that I give this toast; something about having “all my teeth” and “being articulate” and “having no restraining orders against me.” So I’ve agreed to record my toast in advance. 

One more problem: I don’t know who the groom will be. That will be determined by the paternity test and its subsequent revelation on the Maury Povich show.  So I will need to address my remarks to three different poor bastards…I mean, lucky fellows who will be joining this little corner of hell…I mean, our loving, supportive and highly armed family. This can be edited down once we know the identity of the poor sucker…I mean, well, the poor sucker.
Here we go!

It is my pleasure to make a toast to the lovely couple, to my cousin Merlina Mae Bumgardner and to her new husband:
·        John Wayne Martin or Skip to his friends

·        Junior Wayne Downer, his friends call him…Junior

·        Rodney Wayne Johnson, also known as “Snakefist

It was a fateful day when Merlina Mae first met her husband to be:
·        At the Wal-Mart outside of town

·        At the Gas ‘n’ Go convenience store in town

·        At the Killhole Bar on the edge of town

He was there:
·        Buying mud flaps for his Chevy Tahoe

·        Buying a dozen Slim Jims and an Archie Comics Digest

·        Armwrestling bikers for free beer.

Merlina Mae was quickly taken with this man when he approached her and said:
·        “These mud flaps’ll look good on my truck but you’ll look better in my truck.”

·        “Do these Slim Jims smell funny to you?”

·        “If I pay no attention to that wart on your cheek, you ain’t half bad.”

She knew this man would be her soul mate, the man she would spend her life with because:
·        He had mud flaps for his truck

·        He said he had no diseases

·        He had just killed a whole bag of squirrels. 

She knew he would be a good provider because:
·        Skip had a steady income from his unemployment checks

·        Junior had those disability payments coming from losing part of his skull at the lumber mill

·        Snakefist was starting his own business, Snakefist Squirrel Meat and Fashion Accessories.

So it is a joyous occasion as the family gathers here at:
·        The Bogtown First Baptist Church

·        The Swamp Tree Holy Tabernacle of the Bleeding Heart of Jesus Christ

·        At this lovely non-denominational chapel at the state prison

And we wish them well as they begin their life together:
·        At the Oak Pines Mobile Home Park

·        At Junior’s mom’s house at the Oak Pines Mobile Home Park

·        In 3 to 5 years with good behavior.

And begin a family with a new baby:
·        In a few weeks

·        In a few days

·        Wow, those contractions are coming closer together now.
So I raise my glass and give a toast to the lucky couple, to Merlina Mae in her daffodil yellow wedding gown from the Sears Retail Outlet and to
·        Skip in his powder blue tuxedo

·        Junior in his powder blue tuxedo

·        Snakefist in his bright orange prison issue jump suit

May your lives together be filled with love and free from:
·        Ticks

·        Misdemeanors…and Ticks

·        Squirrel Rabies
Tip of the hat to Karen Miller on Twitter and her funny hashtag, .
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