Thursday, March 21, 2013

Really BAD Comics!

Hey, Internet! Ready to go on some message board or chat room and bitch and moan about this week's new comics because as we all know, DC and Marvel haven't produced any good comics since 1982!

But it could be worse. Yes, it can be! Behold my list of ideas for 10 REALLY BAD COMICS!

  1. The Sitting Dead The never ending terror of zombies that...just sit there. Issue after issue after issue of...when the hell is something going to fucking happen, already? Soon to be a TV series on C-Span.
  3. Bat Thing It's a sort of...thing...kind of shaped like a bat, if you sort of squint at it just right. Anyway, it strikes fear in the hearts of criminals...or at least strikes a glancing blow at the heads of criminals if you throw it at one. Soon to be a major motion picture from Woody Allen.
  5. Blue Beetle No, not THAT one! This one's just a sad, lonely little bug. Awwww. Soon to be a new feature on Nick Jr or a game from the makers of Mortal Kombat...could go either way.
  7. Ironing Man Putting a crease in the fabric of crime! Flattening the wrinkles of wrongdoing! Steaming the...something or another involving ironing. Soon to be done with my damn laundry if he know what's good for him.
  9. Teen Whatevers Using their awesome powers to do stuff 'n' junk, you know, whatevs. Soon to get on my last nerve if they don't get off my damn lawn already!
  11. Frat Man! And his sidekick Kegger, The Boy Boozer! Bad guys beware when you hear their "WOO-HOO!" cry of justice! (If you hear the wretching sound of their "Battle Barf", you've got a good one or two day head start to get away.) Soon to realize their lives are a total waste.
  13. The Red Tomato or Red ToMAHto, whatever. His power is to throw bad guys into confusion as they debate whether he is a fruit or vegetable. Soon to be in a can of V8.
  15. Wander Man Villians beware: you'll never know where Wander Man will turn up. Hell, Wander Man never knows where HE's gonna turn up. Soon to be wandering outside a 7-11.
  17. Green Fungus and the awesome might of....The Green Fungus Corps Hey, kids! Let's recite the oath: "In coldest damp, in a wet dark place, let no evil get in my face; where mildew grows in a dim, moist space, beware ME, scum! Green Fungus is on the case!" Soon to be a major disappointment for Ryan Reynolds' career.
  19. The Apathetic Armadillo The mighty hero whose motto is, 'with great power comes...fuck this shit, I'm going home'. Soon to be hit by a car on a New Mexico highway. 
So the good news, comics geeks, is that comics can be worse. The bad news is that Dan Didio or Bob Harras is considering one of these ideas right now. ("Get Lobdell in here! Teen Whatevers will be HUGE!") 
Don't forget I'm also on Twitter at Today, I made a post suggesting a kinky hook up between Flo from Progressive and the Geico gekko.  Yes, it is one of my finest posts. I am (choke!) so proud!

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

We went to see Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom  and let me settle something up front: Bryce Dallas Howard does wear high heels.  For a coup...