Broken News for Friday, July 5th 2013

Hi! Dave-El here welcoming you to my little home away from home, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that 63% more fiber than the average blog.

I hope everyone in America had a fantastic 4th of July. And to the rest of the world, please remember that while America may not be not a perfect nation, we are a nation of freedom and opportunity as we strive for the ideals put forth by our founding fathers nearly 2 and a half centuries ago. We are also a nation full of people with Attention Deficit Disorder and access to nuclear weapons.

Today is Friday and that means it's time for #BrokenNews, America's most dependable* source of lame topical humor.**

*Except for last Friday but that doesn't count. I was really, really busy.

**Please remember that this is not the Daily Show and I do not have a staff of writers. And you did not pay to get in here.

Today's edition of #BrokenNews is brought to you by Mohammed Morsi's House Party, Al Jazeera's #1 Dance Show! Overthrow your oppression & mambo with Morsi!

And by the Egypt Tourist Board: come for the turmoil; stay for the uncertainty.

Hey, blog readers! After the 1st eleven headlines look for a SPECIAL bonus!

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#BrokenNews “Leaked NSA Documents Show How U.S. Is Bugging European Allies” By moving finger near head & saying “I’m not touching you.”


#BrokenNews “Germany to US: 'Bugging friends is unacceptable'” Adding, “So stop asking us to come help move your furniture this Saturday!”


#BrokenNews “More Bad News For MSNBC” Turns out Edward Snowden’s been successfully hiding there as a news anchor.


Speaking of MSNBC #BrokenNews “Maddow: North Carolina Is Like 'Conservatives Gone Wild' Right Now” It's just like ‘Girls Gone Wild’: lots of boobs!


#BrokenNews “Obama's armored limo to have blood bank, night vision” One step closer to Obama’s dream goal: his own Batmobile!


#BrokenNews “Pope John Paul II to become saint, Vatican says” That time he pulled a quarter from behind this kid's ear? How’d he do that?!?


#BrokenNews “Paula Deen Offered 6 Figure Pay Day By Porn Company” If you have a fetish for buttered wrinkled racists, this is your lucky day!


#BrokenNews “How Obama Can Win The Sequester Fight” With his proportional strength of a spider?


#BrokenNews “Come on down! 'Price Is Right' to air all-Plinko episode” I said one day Drew Carey would bring about Armageddon!


And finally #BrokenNews on Twitter: “'The Bible' sequel is coming to NBC” This time, it’s PERSONAL! The Bible II: Evangelism Boogaloo!


And now, for even more humorous entertainment punishment, here are BONUS headlines for #BrokenNews not posted on Twitter:

1. #BrokenNews “Cher: Tom Cruise was one of my top 5 lovers” Tom Cruise: “Oh, if I could turn back time…”
2. #BrokenNews “Teenage girl invents flashlight powered by the warmth of your hand” Caution: tends to overload when used by teenage boys. 
3. #BrokenNews “Supreme Court Rejects Bid To Halt Same-Sex Weddings” Clarence Thomas: “What the hell did I vote for today?” (He asks that every time.)
4. #BrokenNews “Gun Owners Say Goodbye To High-Capacity Magazines” They won’t miss those annoying subscription card inserts.
5. #BrokenNews “Judge dismisses suits against ex-Elmo puppeteer” I would say the accused was tickled pink but that seems wrong somehow.
6. #BrokenNews “Rush Limbaugh: Fox News Tried To Censor Me” Rush wanted to use his “talent on loan from God” line but Bill O’Reilly denied lending Rush anything.
7. #BrokenNews “How To Have More Energy For Sex (And Everything Else)” I use clean burning natural gas for my sex energy.
8. #BrokenNews “Statue Of Liberty Finally Open Again” And open to everyone….NOT so fast, huddled masses!
9. #BrokenNews “Rose McGowan Stuns In Little Black Dress” Her dress is made from living electric eels.
10. #BrokenNews “Bikini Gets Woman Banned From Water Park” Wow! And I thought this only happened to me!
11. #BrokenNews “Poll: Americans say founding fathers would be disappointed by today's US” Not by everything: I’m sure Jefferson would regard Beyonce as a positive.
12. #BrokenNews "J. Lo: Sorry I sang for Turkmenistan leader”  Turkmenistan leader: “I’m sorry she sang for me too.”

Happy birthday to you!

Happy birthday to you!

Happy birthday, dear Turkmenistan President Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow…

(Gasp! Wheez! Gasp!)

Happy birthday to you.

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So that's that for today's #BrokenNews. Don't forget that Dave-El is on Twitter at https://twitter.com/DayWayLo, desperate for your love and attention.