Friday, July 5, 2013

Broken News for Friday, July 5th 2013

Hi! Dave-El here welcoming you to my little home away from home, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that 63% more fiber than the average blog.

I hope everyone in America had a fantastic 4th of July. And to the rest of the world, please remember that while America may not be not a perfect nation, we are a nation of freedom and opportunity as we strive for the ideals put forth by our founding fathers nearly 2 and a half centuries ago. We are also a nation full of people with Attention Deficit Disorder and access to nuclear weapons.

Today is Friday and that means it's time for #BrokenNews, America's most dependable* source of lame topical humor.**

*Except for last Friday but that doesn't count. I was really, really busy.

**Please remember that this is not the Daily Show and I do not have a staff of writers. And you did not pay to get in here.

Today's edition of #BrokenNews is brought to you by , Al Jazeera's #1 Dance Show! Overthrow your oppression & mambo with Morsi!

And by the Egypt Tourist Board: come for the turmoil; stay for the uncertainty.

Hey, blog readers! After the 1st eleven headlines look for a SPECIAL bonus!


“Leaked NSA Documents Show How U.S. Is Bugging European Allies” By moving finger near head & saying “I’m not touching you.”

“Germany to US: 'Bugging friends is unacceptable'” Adding, “So stop asking us to come help move your furniture this Saturday!”

“More Bad News For MSNBC” Turns out Edward Snowden’s been successfully hiding there as a news anchor.

Speaking of MSNBC “Maddow: North Carolina Is Like 'Conservatives Gone Wild' Right Now” It's just like ‘Girls Gone Wild’: lots of boobs!

“Obama's armored limo to have blood bank, night vision” One step closer to Obama’s dream goal: his own Batmobile!

“Pope John Paul II to become saint, Vatican says” That time he pulled a quarter from behind this kid's ear? How’d he do that?!?

“Paula Deen Offered 6 Figure Pay Day By Porn Company” If you have a fetish for buttered wrinkled racists, this is your lucky day!

 “How Obama Can Win The Sequester Fight” With his proportional strength of a spider?

“Come on down! 'Price Is Right' to air all-Plinko episode” I said one day Drew Carey would bring about Armageddon!

And finally on Twitter: “'The Bible' sequel is coming to NBC” This time, it’s PERSONAL! The Bible II: Evangelism Boogaloo!

And now, for even more humorous entertainment punishment, here are BONUS headlines for #BrokenNews not posted on Twitter:

  1. #BrokenNews “Cher: Tom Cruise was one of my top 5 loversTom Cruise: “Oh, if I could turn back time…”
  2. #BrokenNews “Teenage girl invents flashlight powered by the warmth of your hand” Caution: tends to overload when used by teenage boys. 
  3. #BrokenNews “Supreme Court Rejects Bid To Halt Same-Sex Weddings” Clarence Thomas: “What the hell did I vote for today?” (He asks that every time.)
  4. #BrokenNews “Gun Owners Say Goodbye To High-Capacity Magazines” They won’t miss those annoying subscription card inserts.
  5. #BrokenNews “Judge dismisses suits against ex-Elmo puppeteerI would say the accused was tickled pink but that seems wrong somehow.
  6. #BrokenNews “Rush Limbaugh: Fox News Tried To Censor Me” Rush wanted to use his “talent on loan from God” line but Bill O’Reilly denied lending Rush anything.
  7. #BrokenNews “How To Have More Energy For Sex (And Everything Else)” I use clean burning natural gas for my sex energy.
  8. #BrokenNews “Statue Of Liberty Finally Open Again” And open to everyone….NOT so fast, huddled masses!
  9. #BrokenNews “Rose McGowan Stuns In Little Black Dress” Her dress is made from living electric eels.
  10. #BrokenNews “Bikini Gets Woman Banned From Water Park” Wow! And I thought this only happened to me!
  11. #BrokenNews Poll: Americans say founding fathers would be disappointed by today's USNot by everything: I’m sure Jefferson would regard Beyonce as a positive.
  12. #BrokenNews "J. Lo: Sorry I sang for Turkmenistan leader”  Turkmenistan leader: “I’m sorry she sang for me too.”

Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday, dear Turkmenistan President Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow…
(Gasp! Wheez! Gasp!)
Happy birthday to you.


So that's that for today's #BrokenNews. Don't forget that Dave-El is on Twitter at, desperate for your love and attention. 

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