Friday, July 26, 2013

Broken News For Friday, July 26th

Yo! It's Fri-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

It is I, the great and powerful Dave-El!*

*Sadly, no, I am NOT drunk.

Welcome to my blog, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog with scrubbing bubbles so you don't have to!

If it's Friday (and it IS!), that means it's time for BROKEN NEWS!

Broken News: the internet's leading provider of humorous observations on news headlines. Do you know the real reason why Jon Stewart is taking time off from The Daily Show? Shooting a movie? Ha! He fled in FEAR of the awesome comedic might of BROKEN NEWS, leaving that mewling little British guy to be CRUSHED by our quick witted insights!**

**Seriously, no, still not drunk.

Tonight, Broken News is brought to you by the Bob Filner Institute for Women's Studies of San Diego!

If you want to learn how to study women WITHOUT pawing their asses (and San Diego Mayor Bob Filner will tell you that apparently it's NOT a good idea), then attend classes at the Bob Filner Institute for Women's Studies of San Diego. Thursday night is Ladies' Night with no cover charge and drinks specials all night.

Fair warning: there MAY be a few Anthony Weiner jokes in tonight's installment. Just a few.

Sorry.

OK, Broken News gets underway in 5...

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#BrokenNews “Anthony Weiner Accused Of Engaging In New Sex Chats” Go with your strengths, bro; go with your strengths  

#BrokenNews “How This Weiner Scandal Is Different From The Last”  I'm trying not to laugh as much at the name “Weiner” now 

#BrokenNews “Woman At Center Of Weiner-“ BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! (Ahem!) Sorry, still working on this. Let’s try that again!

#BrokenNews “Woman At Center Of Weiner Scandal Tearfully Apologizes” No one want to be at the center of a weiner anything.


#BrokenNews “Weiner  Using 'Carlos Danger' Handle For New Sex Chats” The REAL Carlos Dangers swears revenge on Weiner! 


#BrokenNews “Weiner Would Orgasm In 30 Seconds During Phone Sex” Leaving his iPhone sexually unfulfilled.


#BrokenNews “NY Times Editorial Board: Weiner Should Withdraw” Dammit, NY Times! How can I do MY job if you’re going to do it for me? 


#BrokenNews “Climate Change Could Cost Global Economy $60 Trillion” Half of that is for hair conditioner because this heat is just KILLING my hair!


#BrokenNews “House Republicans Fight Obama's 'War On Ceiling Fans'” Now that’s what we call political spin.

  • Maybe Barack had some bad salsa in a cantina once so now he hates ceiling fans?
  • Perhaps he had a meeting there with….Carlos Danger!

#BrokenNews “NSA Can't Search Its Own Emails!” NSA director screams, “What the fuck is the password for the e-mail account?!?!”


#BrokenNews “Congress Disapproval Hits All-Time High” So Congress’ “Operation: Do Stupid Shit” is a success!


#BrokenNews “Judge Delays Enforcement Of Strict Abortion Law” Apparently deciding NOT to get pregnant would also be illegal.


#BrokenNews Kate Middleton And Royal Baby Released From St Mary'sApparently they had been punished enough.


#BrokenNews Meet The Royal Baby: George Alexander Louis He’s gonna be in for some royal ass whuppings when school kids start calling him “GAL”.


#BrokenNews “Majority Of Dems Rejects NSA, Majority Of GOP Sides With Obama!” This is like when Capt Kirk talks robots into exploding themselves.


#Broken News “'The Longer You're In A Relationship, The Less Sex You'll Have'” Let’s see, take how long I’ve not had sex and carry the one and..I’VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 342 YEARS!


#BrokenNews “N.C. Lawmakers Pass Bill Requiring Voter ID, Ending Same-Day Registration” Excellent priorities, bozos! How about fixing the fucked up road I drive on to work?


#BrokenNews “Damaging New Paula Deen Details Emerge” She was racist towards Mrs. Butterworth.


#BrokenNews “How To Avoid iPhone Electrocutions” Here’s how I do it: avoid having an iPhone. (I’m a cheap bastard.)


#BrokenNews “What 60 Percent Of British Women Do During Sex” I going to guess “butter their scones”? (Well, it SOUNDS naughty!)  

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And this has been the latest edition of Broken News
brought to you by the Bob Filner Institute for Women's Studies of San Diego with professor emeritus Anthony Weiner! Remember, if a woman doesn't want you to touch her butt, don't touch her butt! This and other really involved lessons for understanding women are available to you at the Bob Filner Institute for Women's Studies of San Diego. Don't forget that Saturday is WET T-SHIRT NIGHT!
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Completely Sensible Murder

So I heard on the radio recently a news item about how the police were investigating the senseless murder of a local man. "Senseless ...